I Just Want To Stop Feeling Pain

[Ociv]

I am at the point where I've realized that a majority of what I believed was my personality is actually learned behaviours as a C-PTSD survivior. And that knowledge, coupled with my obvious failure after 31 years to maintain a healthy relationship is overwhelmingly painful. I can't STAND to be alone. I repeatedly try to look to the future, only to arrive at that point and NOTHING goes accordingly.

I can't undo whats happened to me, and from what I have now come to see, ignoring it didn't work either. I'm tired...I'm tired of trying to appear, behave normal. (whatever that means). I mean I love myself, After 31 years of not knowing how, I realize and believe that I do. But, this is pain. Meeting someone who you did everything "by the book" and have them reject you because you've pushed them away, is hard. I want to start my life over anew. This one is an utter failure. I have no identity because I spent my years being what others wanted me to be so that they'd accept me and hopefully want me. -That doesnt work!

And now being myself, I've still lost. FML.

 

[Ojuj]

From great pain, great beauty. The lows can be matched by the highs: imagine that. You have a wealth of knowledge from your abuse, your failures, your suffering. You are uniquely poised to achieve happiness, knowing despair so intimately. Find someone to help you, or something. A therapist, a group, a class, an online resource, whatever you can. You deserve it.

 

[Ubiw]

Today is a new day. You can start life from this moment. It doesn't have to continue what it once was. It takes work, but so did that other life. Hang on. You can do this.

 

[Ura]

Wow post #2 is something. :)

 

[Acu]

And #3 too.

 

[Sysiphus]

Ojuj, thankyou! I thankfully have an awesome therapist, and this site is my online resource.