I Just Want Us Back

[Cabu]

I am engaged to the love of my life. My love as PTSD from combat and childhood abuse. I have PTSD from sexual abuse and traumatic loss. I got professional help for years, but still have my moments. He thinks that books and counseling wont help. He is pushing me away. I want to help but I feel like the last 3 months I am walking on eggshells. He has made such great changes in his life since he met me. His mom says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him. She has no idea what our life is like behind closed doors. It is ugly. We are GOOD together. Like love at first sight, cant get enough of each other, and love being with each, make you sick to watch us kind of couple. Then something triggers, and I do not know what it is. He gets beyond pissed. blacks out and says he doesnt remember the argument. He gets pissed that I cry when he yells. I cry because it hurts to see him like that. I know he loves me. no doubt. I know I love him.
How do we fix us? I have been reading on websites for days and everything I have read about combat veterans and PTSD describes him to a tee. he refuses to go get help. I think he will read a book with me to help us with communication. He is not physically abusive, but he gets upset over nothing, and then says things he regrets or does not remember.

How do I help him? How do I help us? Is it possible to have a health relationship with both people having PTSD?

 

[Agi]

No, it's not possible to have a relationship with 2 people who have PTSD if one refuses treatment and is highly symptomatic. In my opinion.

You're putting everything in jeopardy that you've worked hard for.

You can't force him to get better. If he doesn't get better then I don't think there's much hope for the two of you.

Have you told him about how you feel?

I'd be out the door in 2 seconds flat if a guy got mad at me for crying after he yelled at me. It's like the wife beater who beats the crap out of his wife and then she cries and it pisses him off so he beats her more.

 

[Cabu]

No, it's not possible to have a relationship with 2 people who have PTSD if one refuses treatment and is highly symptomati...

Thank you for your honestly. I feel like in the last 2 years, our issues were not like this. We rarely argued. Something has him triggered and he is always on all of a sudden. He told me he is making an appt with a dr to get back on his meds, and then told me the meds cause him to really not care about anything. I know it sounds bad, but I dont want that either. I dont want someone who is disinterested in our life. Today he also told me that he would look into learning coping strategies while he is on the meds, then come off of them after a while. So I guess the desire to get help is there, but he lacks faith in the ability to get better. Does that make sense? He knows he has ruined 3 marriages because of this, and before we get married, I need to see him working on it. I need to stop walking on eggshells for fear I will set him off.
I dont want to lose him. I love him. I would do anything he needs to get better, except lose myself. That is what I do not want. I do not want to lose myself and the me I have fought to become, while I am helping him heal. I love myself for the first time that I can remember, and my life is future is looking bright. I want him by my side as I move into the future. I want him to get healthy and be happy.

 

[Jari]

I suggest you set some boundaries. Real boundaries.

Boundaries are kinda scary, because follow-through is a must. But I don't see how else you two can move forward together.

If you're looking for a book to aid communication, I highly recommend The Assertiveness Workbook.

 

[Uludiz]

You can't force someone to help themselves... all you can do is help yourself, help him as much as you're able, then the rest is for him. I would honestly leave any marriage date as open, until such time as he demonstrates to you that he is working on himself, and that you are truly experiencing results for a healthy period of time. Any type of quick "see, I'm working on me, lets get married" approach, is bound for failure.

Two people with PTSD can be together, in fact, two people with PTSD will have an understanding most will not... but stress surrounding anyone with PTSD affects PTSD, thus if you both aren't managing yourselves individually, then one will set the other off and cause chaos.

 

[Setu]

You don't fix him. And if he doesn't want to fix himself, it will likely become very destructive, codependent and unhealthy very quickly.

 

[Tuvilo]

he refuses to go get help.

What is his reasoning?

 

[Cabu]

What is his reasoning?

His reasoning is that he tried it before and it did not work.

Since I wrote this, he has agreed to work with me, with reading books and doing some communication work, and then move to a counselor. He just wants to be on the anti anxiety meds while he starts digging into the ptsd, then learn coping strategies, before he comes off of the meds. I also purchased a couple books, which he said he will read with me, so we can learn more about being supporters, since we both have PTSD. I am hopeful. If I do not see satisfactory improvement and effort, we will not be getting married in a year.

 

[Igetej]

Sounds like a great outcome. Congrats.