I know this may be a stupid question, but, I need help working out if my husband raped me

[Gs172003]

Context--and please understand that some of this is quite new and I'm trying to cope with it...

Incident in question

We were up late getting ready for our daughter's birthday party the following morning. It was late, we were exhausted.

We got into a fight over something stupid--pop going into the fridge.

I was upset and tired, so I left my clothes on (because I didn't want to have sex after a fight, primarily, but I was also tired and wanted to sleep). That made him furious bc I was not unclothed and he had wanted to have sex.

He then started saying he was going to leave, end our relationship and leave our daughter (and her wake up to this instead of the birthday party she was expecting) and not come back.

I figured we were both just wiped out and begged him for half an hour to an hour not to leave and to just come to bed. He'd left once already and it was extremely traumatic to both my daughter and myself. Finally he did come to bed, and he was angry. He had anal sex (something we never did without talking about first and was an excruciatingly painful act for me and he knew that) with me while I cried the entire time, both because it hurt so much physically but also because I was hoping he would stop. I was too afraid to say anything if I am brutally honest with myself. That's why I took my clothes off when he got so angry. That was not enough. But it wasn't until 6 weeks later when I was helping him at his office and we were talking about abuse, and he said how ashamed he was of what he had done at my parents house and how easily they could have heard. What shattered me was him saying he did it because it was the worst thing he could think of to do to me (I have been raped and sexually abused before) and it was the only thing that he thought for sure would make me end our relationship. He was shocked, but later grateful, he told me, that I had not kicked him out the next morning and went on with the birthday party.

He has multiple major mental illnesses and some of them cause/contribute to this type of behaviour, but he was not diagnosed at the time. He had quit his job at the time and it was like he was trying to destroy every part of his life. I have supported him through breakdown after breakdown and repeated psych hospitalizations since then.

We are on the final stretch of trying, after him coming out of the hospital on a med that was making things so much worse a few months ago. He's now hit me twice in the last 2 months. Broken my things. Called me more names than I care to count. It's not like him, but the personality changes happen and then I'm trying to make sense of one of the most confusing experiences of my life. The verbal abuse is more consistent. Others are more rare. He had sex with me in my sleep on 2 occasions and another time he was trying to put his finger up my anus and I said no, he didn't listen, I don't know why. He was always gentle and sensitive and caring during sex and then when he started to get sick it just became this snowball effect. Everything changed. I could never reconcile that with the man I knew, I still can't.

I tried for a long time to just ignore it and hoped it would go away. But in reality I haven't been able to be sexual or have sex since then. He is and has been getting treatment, it takes a long time. Especially with borderline personality disorder. We are trying to work on things but it's hard for me because this is someone that I love, and I feel like I'm betraying him just by thinking or asking about this... but I've got to deal with this if that is what this is. I have a terrible time coping with it and I feel so guilty that I don't want sex and he knows it. And I'm always pushing it away out of my consciousness like an unwelcome jack in the box. I hope this makes sense.

I'm probably triggered but...

Leave him. He has admitted to doing it because he figured it was the worst thing he could do. He did that crap on purpose. The doing shit things then being good then doing shit things then being good ( even talking about how sorry they are. Especially talking about how sorry they are) is classic abuser style.

Leave his ass.

 

[RVA21]

He's hit you, broken your things, called you names and had non consensual sex with you at least three times by the sound of it (how do you consent if you're sleeping?) Also sexually assaulted you or attempted to. Regardless whatever mental health issues he has, you would be better away from him as he is abusing you and you don't deserve that and there's no excuse for the things he's done to you.

 

[Spacefish]

while I cried the entire time, both because it hurt so much physically but also because I was hoping he would stop. I was too afraid to say anything if I am brutally honest with myself.

Reads like rape to me. Bastard.

My ex used to get agro if I wouldn't take my clothes off, keeping my clothes on was about me not feeling safe, it was what I used to do to feel less vulnerable in a volatile situation.

 

[littleoc]

He used emotional manipulation — you wanting your daughter to have the happy birthday party she was expecting. And he used the sex as punishment — a power move; rape is about power over another person.

It doesn’t matter what justifications he has or you have for this. You deserve better. You can’t see it yet because you’re right in the middle of the forest, but he’s a classic abuser. You’ve got to get out of there. Or get him out. Whatever you need to do.

Many hugs. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m glad you came here with your suspicions.

 

[Teasel]

Thinking of you @Phoenix_Rising :)

 

[blackemerald1]

Moving on to how psychologically damaging you think him leaving you and your daughter might be.....have you considered,

it may be more psychologically damaging if you don't recover from all of this abhorrent behaviour he's inflicting on you and you cannot recover whilst he continues to behave towards you in this manner,

It may be more psychologically damaging if you died as a result of him accidentally or intentionally breaking you instead of your belongings.

It may be more psychologically damaging if your daughter sees or hears any of this behaviour.

Finally, consider if your daughter emulates you when it comes to her relationship with her father and then with other men... because that's how she saw you handle things...

So. Having your husband there for a birthday party is one thing. Having him live with you and your daughter whilst putting up with what he does regardless of why he's doing it, because him leaving is too devastating is entirely another.

I know you don't feel like you have choices but reality is - you do.

Something to consider.

 

[lil_fighter]

Phoenix_Rising, first of all thank you for sharing. I am very sorry that you have had this experience. To answer you question, yes you were raped and your husband is very aware of his actions and the cause. You are obviously in a relationship with a man who is abusive in more ways than one; sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. You have already experienced trauma and the worst thing is that your husband knows this and knows the impact. It is almost as if he takes pleasure in adding to the trauma and abuse. There should be no excuses made for him. I understand that you are saying he has mental health issues but he is clearly aware of his actions and the impact of them so that is not an excuse. As a husband he should be caring for you, supporting you and most importantly you should feel safe around him. My advice would be to leave because this is having a terrible impact on not only you but your daughter. Your daughter should not have to grow up in an unsafe, unpredictable environment. You deserve so much better and this marriage seems to be re-traumatising you.

 

[Larousse]

Dear Phoenix_Rising

Trust me on this one: You have to put your mental health first.

I know you might think it sounds selfish but out of experience, you can't save someone from their issues, it's something that they have to do on their own.
Otherwise you risk losing yourself in the process and like people have told me, if the mother isn't well the child won't be well either. You might think that staying with your husband is the best for your daughter, but being in an abusive environment with fights and unhappy parents is far from healthy for a child.

I had an abusive childhood, it got to the point that my oldest sisters begged my parents to get a divorce because it was unbearable. Up to this day, I still associate home to insecurity and feel safer outside. Unsurprisingly I ended up in an abusive relationship with the father of my child. Just like you, I thought it was better for my daughter to be raised with both parents as a "family". However it kept escalating, until he almost killed me, until I felt that I was decreasing mentally to the point that I would not be able to take care of my daughter.
Five months ago I was diagnosed with PSTD after I had an "episode" while I was working, luckily I am being treated for this. I was so focused on trying to make it work with my abusive ex for the sake of our child, that I completely ignored myself and didn't even realise I had symptoms of PTSD.

Honestly, have you ever heard of an abusive relationship that turned healthy ? Personally I haven't, however I continue to hear about women dying every day from conjugal violence. I don't want to be part of these statistics and I especially don't want you to be part of these either.

I have zero regrets having left an abusive relationship. It's obvioulsy hard in the beginning, which is why you have to surround yourself with supportive people because they are going to be your rock and pillar when you start to doubt yourself. Trust me, there are people who love you and who don't want to see you go down. You will be surprised by how much help you will get from people once they're aware of the situation, you're not alone.

I believe that you deserve better than to live in fear, pain and instabilty. I believe in your strenght to leave this abusive relationship and start a life of fullfilment, we all do.

I hope this helps you and others, take good care of yourself and your daughter.

 

[Whirlwind]

He's now hit me twice in the last 2 months. Broken my things. Called me more names than I care to count. It's not like him, but the personality changes happen and then I'm trying to make sense of one of the most confusing experiences of my life. The verbal abuse is more consistent. Others are more rare.

Phoenix,

Yes, he is abusive. I surmise that you are "waking up" to that fact. I'm glad you posted as that is a hard thing to do just putting it out there for the world but mostly admitting it to yourself.

Lundy Bancroft is an abuse expert and I would suggest reading him. You can get a book at the library for free or read it privately on the computer as an e-book. He also has a blog where he discussed why abusive men want sex at the "wrong time". It is power and control..and purposeful.

We are trying to work on things but it's hard for me because this is someone that I love, and I feel like I'm betraying him just by thinking or asking about this... but I've got to deal with this if that is what this is. I have a terrible time coping with it and I feel so guilty that I don't want sex and he knows it. And I'm always pushing it away out of my consciousness like an unwelcome jack in the box. I hope this makes sense.

For me pushing the reality...my suspicion(S) about my ex was safer for me than admitting to myself the truth. The fact is I knew deep down I just couldn't believe it was possible. I think we all "know" but avoid for as long as we can because in the end we have to leave to save ourselves or we stay. Stay .... knowing the truth. ouch.

It is like an overstuffed closet you keep trying to keep closed but it keeps popping open. I tried duct taping mine shut....finally nailing it and yet it blew open again. I would have these moments of clarity and then just desperately stuff them down. It is interesting because I wrote somethings over 15yrs ago now, and my suspicions felt crazy for lack of a better word. I never told a soul back then what I was thinking. Today I sadly congratulate myself as my gut back then was right, my "crazy" suspicions were so accurate I just shake my head today. I can't even blame myself as it does seem impossible. Today I know it is true and I mean verifiable, admissible true and just the tip of the iceberg.

The thing is our gut usually knows the score and our denial can't last. They repeat their bad behavior over and over and we get proof over and over again of who they really are. It is a pattern they will repeat for as long as they can get away with it. Ever consider going to a support group for DV? They are wonderful folks that have been there and their insights are invaluable.

Take care and remember all of this is up to you. You decide to stay, to leave....why not set with yourself and just play out the options...best and worse case? The process might be enlightening. It was for me :)

BTW You don't need to justify or explain if you don't want sex. NO is a full sentence and needs no explanation. To anyone. And you have zero obligation even to your husband. But truth is we do it to avoid tension, a fight etc and they know that too. They get away with a lot because we cover and deny deny. I thought I loved mine...I did the good part but that was a false front. The bad behavior was always him. Notice how they amazingly control themselves with friends etc? They save abuse for behind closed doors.

Take care and trust your gut...if something feels wrong then it is wrong for you. Feel afraid of him? You have reason.

Please try not to push down your fear as it is trying to warn you, your instinct is your friend, listen to it even if you can't act for now. I can't tell you how many of "us" have believed the abusive partner had limits or would only go "so far", they do escalate and yours sounds like he is doing just that.

Best wishes,

Whirlwind

 

[RVA21]

I agree with Whirlwind. I went to a DV group support for a while and it was very helpful. We all had so much in common because our partners all used very similar tactics. Some had already left and some hadn't yet. The group was based on a thing called the freedom programme (it's in the UK), they have a book out too https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0955882702/?tag=ap0f5b0f-21 that explains the sorts of abusers there are. It was after I split from my ex but it really helped me see I had made the right decision because sometimes I still had doubts and felt guilty. The other women in the group could relate and give perspective on how bad things had been for me when I told them some of my experiences.