Shannon,
I'm going to open my big mouth on this thread and you're not likely going to enjoy what I have to say, but if my daughter ever had to turn to a sex abuse forum for support, I hope someone would think of her interests and not so much her feelings.
You are a child. You should not be having sex. Period. You are behaving like an adult, and so I will treat you as such, by telling it to you straight.
At 15, you have a lifetime of pain and sorrow to cope with and children will ONLY exacerbate the situation. My children are honestly, my Achilles Heal. If someone wants to hurt me they can easily use my children to cause an amount of pain that I could never otherwise imagine. You see, when your children are hurt, they cry and they don't just cry when it happens, they cry as they're healing too. If, as a parent, you take on some of the blame for their getting hurt, whether deserved or not, then every time they cry... it is like a knife in your side. Imagine if they are hurt in a way that was quite traumatic, maybe it had elements of the traumas you have faced, then that knife in your side creates an infected wound that just keeps festering until it covers your heart to protect you from your child's pain while eating away at your ability to provide empathy for your child.
What if you don't know all that you've lived through yet, Shannon? What if I told you that at MY age, 40years old, with children who have lived through my trauma ages and have more to come, I am just now coming to terms with how my parents had f*cked up so royally. I didn't know, at your age, that they were so neglectful, that they were so emotionally abusive, that they were (I honestly believe this and at the same time I truly believe that they didn't consciously want this) setting me up for failure because my being a failure made them a success. It's true. You'd have to read why me being a failure would make them justified... but just trust me. Parents don't always make the right choices for their children. I didn't know that at your age. I learned it by parenting my own children.
Further, my parents were married, planned to have two kids, were happy to have me, were financially prepared and committed to raising a family together... PLUS, my dad had graduated from college before they got married and my mom had graduated from high school and worked to help support my dad through college. They meant to have me... and they still f*cked up royally.
You are 15 years old. How can you possibly do anything other than what your mother has done for you? When your child reminds you of yourself, or when you try to respond to your child ... YOU WILL react like your mother... no matter how old you get. The only thing that will change that is analyzing it, and sometimes you won't know until you've done it that you shouldn't have done it... and then you have to deal with the consequences of That.
You know that it actually changes a child's thinking when you YELL at it? Do you know how often I've yelled at my young kids? And I want them, I love them, I can provide for them, I am married with a committed loving husband who is a good father... but I still made mistakes. It's not easy to relate to other people... and your children are going to rely on YOU and the way that you TREAT them... the way you look at them, respond to them... and in a myriad of different nonverbal ways, you will teach your children whether they are valuable, worthy, safe, loved, interesting, funny, intelligent, reliable, useful, productive, enjoyable, ... these things are not easy to teach when mom is depressed, under a lot of social pressure, being put down by others... etc.
You have a LOT of growing up to do. And I remember when that was an insult, but that is truly not what is meant here. Wisdom comes with experience and you don't have enough experience to help your children deal with bullies in school, feelings of sadness, ...etc. You need to experience how to handle those things for yourself, so you can advise your children when it is their turn. Likely it will overwhelm you to pieces when they experience similar social bullying... and likely one of them will. So,
What I'd like to suggest that you do is use this experience of almost motherhood and write down a long list of hopes that you have for your children; including but not limited to:
Educational achievement
Employment Goals
Social Acceptance
Independence
Happiness - and what would that consist of..
I expect you to turn this list on yourself, and keep in mind that at 15 your child will still be very much your responsibility. They will not be ready to move out yet, they will be seeking your approval STILL even though they may not want you to know it, and they will ALWAYS want your love.. they will not be prepared for our world of predators seeking the confidence of a young girl aged 0-25... especially. So, as I see it... really... you have at least 10 more years of being a PRIME target for sexual abuse and other schemes. Not to scare you or anything, but to alert you that you already have a child to take care of... yourself.
I will thank god for you that you had this miscarriage, and I hope you will understand that I am not unfeeling about your disappointment, but I understand what you want vs. what you will get... and it's way off.
Good luck to you Shannon. I'm glad you found this forum and I hope you will keep seeking support along your path. No one is perfect, and everyone's road is different, but you choose for yourself which direction your life takes when you decide what activities to pursue... adult activities are reserved for adults because when they go wrong they go really wrong... and they hurt so much more than losing a football game or flunking a test.
