I Like The Look Of This Bright Light, But...

[Shannon]

First of all, I must say a BIG THANK YOU to all of you!!! I've actually been in tears reading your reply's, It's so great to know that their are people out there, complete strangers who I am able to talk to quite comfortably, and to be able to trust you all with my experiences and emotions. You will not believe how much of a help you have all been, just getting me through the day, knowing I can come on here whenever I feel like it, and writing what I feel in 100% truth. And not be judged. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!

Muzikluvr; I think I will take your advice and get a puppy, that actually sounds like a great idea. I will speak to my mum about that. Write what you want, either it good or bad. I think It's best to know everything and try and understand everything know. and I understand completely that you are all only trying to help me in my journey to recovery.

Leanne; I am working on trying to go out with my friends, they all understand that I don't want to be out drinking and going mad right now, so last weekend was one of my close mates birthday. So we all went round to hers had a BBQ, made a fire once it got dark, (in her back garden) and had a sleepover, I felt very comfortable. I had all my friends and my boyfriend around me, I felt like a different person that night, I was able to have a laugh and not worry about anything. I'm very happy that I was able to go out, I feel like it's a step closer to being able to do more. (if that makes sense)

Thank you all again! Means so much to me!

 

[Shannon]

Now this bright light seems to be getting a lot closer to me! Not only have I had to be dealing with the trauma from my rape, the grieving of my miscarriage, now this...

My ass hole of a boyfriend asked the town's slag out!:@
I'm so angry and upset right now:'( that girl was supposed to be my 'friend' and Dean, well.. he 'loves' me. I mean 'everything' to him. some good way of showing it eh!

Every time my life seems to get better, something always has to happen to make me feel like shit again. I feel like I shouldn't even be on this earth. Nothing ever goes right for me!:'(

 

[leanne1321]

Every time my life seems to get better, something always has to happen to make me feel like shit again.

Even without PTSD, I'm fairly certain this is a little thing called LIFE. Sorry to burst your bubble, unfortunately, its part of growing up. On the bright side, (I know it doesn't feel like it now) but be grateful that he's shown his true colours now. I don't know the full details and what you're planning to do, but at least you know rather than finding out years later.

Look at it this way, you are young and resiliant and because of that, healing (although its hard and painful) will be easier. My sister once had a long term BF when she was around 17 and one night after a few drinks, he hit her. I told her to get rid of him then because he would do it again. He made the usual promises that he'd never hurt her again and that he was sorry, but she didn't listen to me and not long after he did it again. She got rid of him then, but imagine if he'd have done that later on, maybe after they'd been married.

I've never taken a man back who's cheated on me, or even showed signs. There's a lot of complications involved, especially trust, and its true, you can't have a relationship without trust.

There are instances where that trust can be built again, but IMHO, its very rare and usually, once someone cheats, they usually do it again.

I understand its a hard time for you, but I'm sure that the miscarraige had an effect on your BF too. If you two want to sort it out, then thats fine.

I feel like I shouldn't even be on this earth.

Why do you feel like this?

 

[Shannon]

There is a lot more to the story, he basically told me that those to have been seeing each other for 3months! So I asked him if it stopped when I was pregnant, but It didn't, they carried on.

Sorry to hear about your Sister!:/
I would never take Dean back now, not after this. Because he was just playing me along, he told me for the last 3months when he was with her, he didn't mean anything he had said to me, not one thing!
He is a complete ass!

and I feel that way because of everything that's happened over the years!
And I feel so lonely, I feel like I have no one in my life but my Dad, because Dad is the only person who I can talk to. I don't have a life, all I do is sit in my bedroom, I don't get invited nowhere. I only got invited to my friends party cause Dean was going, and I was with him then, I later got told that I wasn't wanted their, because I ruin everything!:'(

I just really don't see the point any more. I don't want to live my life like this. But I don't know how to change:/:(

 

[leanne1321]

My sisters strong lol! And so are you! To have survived, what you've been through at your age.

You're better off without him! Do you really want to be with someone who shows so little respect.

As for how you're feeling, it's normal. Plenty of teenagers have a tough time without going through a trauma. I know what it's like to have to go to school and see those who abused you everyday (I even got teased for it) and then to be known as the girl who got attacked. But you don't have much time left at school and these extra stresses aren't there constantly like they are now.

When I left school, for the first time since before my traumas, I felt happy and it was hard to look back and see how depressed I was (I've never been that bad since, close though!).

Have you been to see a GP or someone about therapy yet?

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Shannon,

I can only agree with what Leanne has said.
You deserve better!

I know what it is like to think you have no place on this earth. But you are here! Although life is shit, you do have people who care about you and who love you. Hold onto that.

Here's hoping for a better tomorrow!

 

[Shannon]

Yeah, I know I am way better of without him now! I don't want any thing to do with either of them any more!

Yeah, I suppose your right, about plenty of teachers feeling the same way and stuff!
I cant wait to leave school, and get rid of all those people that I don't need in my life, and knowing ill never have to see them again!:)

And no, I haven't been to see anyone!:/

 

[cherryblossom]

Shannon, I'm sorry to read all that you have been through in the last couple of weeks.

As with anything, you can't change the past, but you can look to the future, and make plans for your future. That's what you need to think about. Hang on in there. ;)

 

[Mercy]

Dear Shannon, I'm sorry you miscarried your baby. It hurts so much, the death of a baby with all the hopes and cosy dreams. For me, it helped to give my lost little one a name like Pat that can be either a girl's name or a boy's name. I hope talking about prayer here won't offend you. I dare because of your strong antiabortion stand. I could pray for my baby and commend baby to the care and love of God, Our Holy Virgin Mother, Mary and her son, Jesus who said," Bring the little children to me." Your baby can be loved in heaven and you will be together when the time comes many years from now for you to meet again.

This baby would of been the start of a new me, and I didn't just want the baby to help me recover my rape. I wanted it to love me back, love me like I would love it. Be mine, to cuddle, someone I can help, someone I can be there for, someone I can call my own.

I really understand those feelings and honor them. We all need love and to be loved so much especially after we have suffered trauma like rape. The problem is that babies cry more than they coo, demand more than they delight. What I hear as the song flowing under this is the desire to get over and heal your rape trauma and to have a happy life. That is terrific goal !!! Unfortunately, as much as we would like, having a baby isn't a way out of pain, sorrow, or not wanting to leave the house. He or she cannot help you with your fears. Yes, I agree with you, a baby may have helped push you out but felling safer? I don't know?

Sometimes I feel like I'm invisible. Sometimes I wish I was invisible.

That is a truth I can share with you. It's part of the trauma and the sadness. If I were invisible then I couldn't be hurt. But if I am invisible then no one can help me and love me.

I do realise that like I would need to concur my fears of going out and walking around if I had a baby, but the baby would be like protection against all that (and no this is not why I wanted this baby) But it would give me a lot of confidence, because I would have to. And people would stop talking about the rape, and talk about me being a 'teen-mum' instead. And I'd be a very proud Teen mum:)

I hope you can find your own strengths soon, and I sense you have many. Courage is fear dressed up for the battle of healing and growing less scared and more confident.

The great blessing, hidden in plain sight, that I see is that you know now how supportive your boyfriend's family is of you and how much they care. That is a very good thing to have when you do the hard work of therapy of healing from the rape. People who love you right where you are, people who you can be comfortable with. That is a long lasting blessing.:hug:

 

[Lionheart]

Hi Shannon,

I wish I had some really important things to say that would help you feel better, but all I can think to say is how sorry I am that you miscarried and that you were raped. As for the boyfriend, I see it as his loss as you seem really mature and intelligent given your age. I hope that you will continue to find support and encouragement here and that you will let us know how you are doing.

wishing you the best,
LH

 

[Shannon]

Thank you:)

honestly I don't think I'm doing very well.. I'm keeping myself away, not going to school, not going out or anything.. I just cant face being out right now. Everything just brings back memories of how things used to be, and I don't know why but I'm still crying like constantly. I feel so stupid about it, as I know what my boyfriend done was wrong. I now know a lot more about what was going on, and he was basically cheating on me throughout the relationship:(

I guess as many of you said, I am better of without him. Although I can't find away to stop these feelings I Have for him..:/

 

[cherryblossom]

Give yourself time. You won't just forget all that has happened. It takes time for your emotions to settle down .