Relationship I Lost My Fiancé To Ptsd...

[nz16]

I am beyond grateful for this site. It has brought peace to me the past few days and a better understanding of the ugly beast PTSD.

My ex-fiance and I began our relationship about a year or so ago. We immediately connected, shared the same interest, etc. He is my other half, my best friend, and we are deeply in love with each other although he has pushed me away. He is a former Marine who was deployed to Afghanistan. From the bits of pieces he tells me, he was involved in an explosion which has cause him serious back problems, and his battalion experienced a lot of casualties, among other graphic events. He had been out of the military for 3 years, got his degree in film, worked in the entertainment industry in LA(how we meet), and seem to be put together flawlessly.

In the beginning of our relationship, we would text throughout the day almost everyday, saw each other often throughout the week, most weeks. I'm a strong, independent woman with my own career, so I never saw anything out of the ordinary. Everything was going great and suddenly in June, we did not speak for two to three weeks. Things were getting more serious and intense. He told me he had not felt this way for anyone else in a while or said I love you. He felt very intimate and connected to me. Which now looking back, red flag!! He returned to my life, claiming he loves me a lot and needs me in his life. That he needed time alone to figure things out. Basically wanted to work things out. I just thought it was normal guy behavior, getting cold feet. No biggie. He also dropped a bomb on me saying he had sign up to do military contract work and had to fly to Texas to beginning training immediately. Although I was blinded sided by his hasty decision, I supported him. I flew to Texas one weekend to spend it with him were he proposed. Everything was great. Although he was going to be deploying soon, our relationship was in a great place. We talked everyday and FaceTime all the time. Talked about the future, all the plans we were going to do when he returned, building a life together, traveling, etc.

The first two months in Iraq were good. Yes, we missed each other dearly, but we were lucky enough to be able to text and FaceTime here and there. Plus, I'm busy with work and my life. Then October came, and wow was I not ready. I felt him withdrawing from me. He was not my fiancé. His text were different, short, and cold. No more I love you or if he did say it, it was because I said it first. He was emotionless. I causally mentioned it to him that I felt him far away, emotionally and mentally. I thought he was just under a lot of pressure (which he did mention it to me), and just tired. We did not speak for a week, until he contacted me. I knew something was wrong. Our relationship started to feel different, I was scared. He mentioned feeling numb, that there was an explosion the night before and all he wanted to do was scream. All I could do was offer him my support and love. Luckily, he was going to be returning to the states to break his lease, considering he wasn't going to be in LA for the next year, and because he wanted to spend time with me. I was so excited!!

Last Thursday, I picked him from the airport- a moment I looked forward too!! It had been three months since I had last seen him. What I thought was going to be the best two weeks, suddenly turned to a living nightmare. I picked him up and because has very bad spasms, we literally drive to the ER immediately. This is were I learned that he came back with serious PTSD. Flashbacks of his time in Afghanistan, night terrors, sudden triggers, sleeping problems. He also had began smoking. He is incredibly into living a healthy lifestyle that I was shocked. The ER nurse even said "good luck with him, you are going to need it." Didn't think much of it. I told him, if he wanted me to go to the VA with him, I would. I love this man very much, and I told him that we were going to get through this together. I wasn't going to leave. Thursday and Friday was great. We had made plans of getting away for the weekend. Those plans never happen. He was not answering my texts or calls half of Saturday, following into Sunday. I was worried. So I gave him until the afternoon to respond. I couldn't take the silent treatment anymore, so I showed up at his apartment. He was in town, Im his fiancé, and he's ignoring me?! Wasn't adding up. I was hurt and angry. I had waited for him for 3 months faithfully.

He had a cute above his eyebrow, apparently he was attacked while pumping gas? My heart hurts so bad. For him. There is nothing I can do to help him. We talked and he said he thinks it wasn't going to work out. I deserve better. Its not you, its me break up talk. He had made up his mind already and I had to let him go, that he was moving forward, and that i had no choice. He didn't want to hurt me. That he prefers living in a tent with guys, and had trouble adapting to civilian life. He talked about going on this journey to find himself, and that he could not meet me halfway. That I didn't deserved him, and he didn't want to hurt me. That he didn't want me living a life of worry and waiting. He was numb and had no feeling. I did not know this man. He had a blank stare, no emotion. My world was turned upside down. What happened to the loving, amazing, motivated, goal-oriented, full of life man I fell in love with? Where did he go?!! I was devastated. I told him Im still going to be here and Im not going to give up on us. That he needs to heal first. How can he heal, when he is going to go back to Iraq in a week for another 6 months and rethinking of renewing his contract for another year?! Im scared for him. He said he went to the VA everyday this past week. I hope it is true. I do not know what else to do.

I feel like someone punched me in the face repeatedly and took away my love/my best friend/my soulmate. All the plans, gone down the drain. He said he loves me, but its not "in" love with me? Which I know its not true. Im beyond devastated. This week was supposed to have been amazing, not a living hell. I had no appetite all week. Today, I had my first full meal. I dyed my hair black from blonde. My doctor recommended me a psychologist which Im going to go see next week. I have no energy, I haven't gotten out of bed or the house since I came from wok yesterday. Im still trying to comprehend everything that has transpired. I asked if there was another girl or if he cheated on me when he was away, and he said no. I have never in my life been so broken before. I just want the man I feel in love with back.

What do i do? Im a fighter, I don't easily give up. We remained friends and he doesn't want to let me go fully because he said we are still going to be in each others lives. Im still going to text and FaceTime you? UGH beyond confused. Help!

 

[Sweetpea76]

It sounds like he is isolating, which is common with sufferers when they are going through rough periods. There is not much you can do, especially true if your sufferer is not getting the help he needs. If you try to keep contacting him, or demanding an explanation from him, it will irritate him more, and he will want to talk to you even less than he does now. All you can do is leave him alone and be there for him when he contacts you. This is the nature of the PTSD beast.

It sucks, and from a supporter's perspective, it's probably worse than any other behavior that your sufferer will have. You worry yourself sick, blame yourself, and have a roller coaster of emotions. You have no clue if you even still have a relationship since there is no closure. Just remember, it is not healthy to put your life on hold for your sufferer if he is isolating for long periods of time. Only you can decide if you are going to tolerate this behavior. You have to take care of you, because you cannot cure him or help him get "better."

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Your scenario is fairly common. I advise reading other supporter stories to get more insight.

 

[nz16]

Thank you sweetpea76!! It is still all sudden to me. Im coming to the realization that although it is painful, I may need to move on. In the past with other relationships, I grieve for a day, and move on, but this time is different. I know he needs his space, and although it is difficult for me not text me, Im not. Im so used to him in my life. You are right. I need to focus on my health and me. I know he doesnt want me to worry, but thats exactly what I can't help but to do. The more I educate myself on PTSD, the more I find peace. It still hurts.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The more I educate myself on PTSD, the more I find peace.

That is my comfort as well. All you can do is educate yourself. It's a huge learning process. You have to learn about the disorder in general, then learn about the type of PTSD your sufferer has (like combat PTSD), then you have to learn about his specific PTSD and what stresses or triggers him. Then you have to understand any treatment he is going through and figure out ways to manage your relationship.

It is also very important to take care of yourself too. If you are an emotional wreck (which is easy to be at times when you are a supporter), it is not going to help the situation at all. During rough patches your sufferer cannot deal with his own emotions, much less yours. Sometimes you have to think of your own well being before you can worry about his.

 

[StrongHeart]

nz16, I am going to go a little different direction with this and give you another option.

My survivor is also a veteran of some really bad things in Iraq and Afghanistan. He has told me more within the past few days, and the things that these survivors have seen are well and beyond anything most people in the civilian world have seen. We're talking apocalyptically gruesome scenes where their job was to participate or clean up the aftermath, day after day, week after week, with live shelling happening constantly. Coming down from that is nearly impossible for them once they reach the civilian world, and most want to return to the "sandbox" because that world makes sense to them. Our world does not; the adrenalin level is way too high in them.

If you really want this man, you will have to be prepared to offer him another option, and you also have to be prepared to accept him the way he is. If that doesn't work for you, you will have to move on. If you can do it, try to set up an appointment at the VA for you to go with him for counseling. If you want to try this, you will have to convince him that he can trust you not to run away. The things I have dealt with with my survivor are awful as far as his angry behavior, and I do not believe we will survive as a couple. We may already be over. If he were more the type to isolate, I think I could probably handle that better than the anger. I recommend that you buy a book about wartime family members who deal with their partner's ptsd. As a friend of mine whose husband went through WWII said to me, "once a service member goes to combat, their entire brain and thought processes change. You are then dealing with an entirely different person." It's doable, but it takes a whole lot of work and understanding on your part, and trust on his. This man was trained to see bombs everywhere, in the most innocent of places, and to trust no one. It's a tough road to travel.

 

[nz16]

Thank you for your advice @StrongHeart!!
My veteran would share some stories here and there although I would never pushed him for info. He opened up because he said he felt a trust in me he had never felt before with anyone else. Just from the bits of pieces he would tell me from his time as an infantry with the Marines, it was something so much worst than any Hollywood War movie could portrayed. Horrible and scare is an understatement.

I love this man very much, and this does not scare me. I have tough skin. I knew what I was getting myself into. My grandfather was in WW!! and my uncle fought for vietnam- both have "issues." Its a hard lifestyle. I told him i was going to be here for support and unconditional love. I cannot phantom moving on and leaving him in this state of mind. When he was in the states for a week and half he did go to the VA everyday, and I made sure of that, even though he was avoiding me. He does isolate himself because he says he doesn't wan to hurt me and I don't deserve him. That I could do much better. He goes back to Iraq for another 6 months, which scares me. I fear for his safety. I know he needs space and time right now, and I am giving him that, but I am also letting him know Im here for him. He tells me I have to let go and move forward, but he still wants to be part of my life. we still text here and there, initiation coming from him, but its still painful. The texts are cold and brief, not loving. I just wish I can get the man I fell in love with before the deployment =( The more the days past, Im coming to realize I may never get him back or maybe our relationship can never be again. He is emotionally unavailable. The thought its painful. All the dreams and hopes we had, are gone.
I hope your situation improves and you find peace. Remember take care of yourself first! =)

 

[StrongHeart]

The more the days past, Im coming to realize I may never get him back or maybe our relationship can never be again. He is emotionally unavailable.

He may be for right now, but he also may need you later. You sound like you are still on the fence about this relationship, and like you still care about this man. I understand this totally. He sounds like he is trying to reach out but still holding back because he is afraid of the changes in himself.

Yes, the war scenes described by my sufferer in Iraq and Afghanistan are beyond thinkable. And we get the story second hand, it is somewhat sterilized by the teller's filters. My sufferer saw and smelled and experienced, and had to help with the recovery, of many horrific scenes that were not localized - they were all around him. And this continued day after day after day. My heart bleeds for him. But on the same line, I cannot trust him completely because the fact is that he is different than someone who has not seen this kind of carnage. If you can, hold back to a certain extent. Give him space but be available for him.

 

[nz16]

At this point thats exactly what I'm doing, giving him space. Thats all I can do. Hope space does help. It is all still recent. Its only been a week since I last saw him. The only reason as to why I am still somewhat on the fence is because of all the what ifs that play in my head. What if he never comes back. what if I never hear from him again? Which its too soon for me to really grasp. I'm still going to be here for him no matter what. Period. I told him that and I gave him my word and plan on keeping it. The what ifs and my sanity are killing me. I need hope. I just wish he could reach out to me and tell me how I can help. The strong bond we have is what keeps my faith going. That this is just a rough patch in our road. He is my other half. The man that can read my mind and know exactly how I feel and what Im thinking without me having to say a word, and vice versa.

Oddly enough, my horoscope ( i know i know) said that I have a friend who is suffering some way. That my natural instinct would be to rush in and help (I'm a leo) and which is what I want to do so bad bc I'm a fixer. That I may not be invited to help, so just sit it out and wait for this individual to call on me, and then be ready and willingly to offer my support. Im keeping the faith and hope alive, until then keeping busy and focusing on me.
Thank you for your advice =)

 

[dimplesg520]

Hi NZ,

I went through a similar situation when my boyfriend was deployed and came home. He was unexpectedly deployed (we got the phone call 2 weeks before he left) and we had been dating 9 months at the time. While he was there, he had a very difficult time and tried to isolate himself as well. He was a nurse at the hospital in Afghanistan but because of his Special Ops background, they made him go on missions that he had been told he wouldn't have to go on, with basically no time to prepare. His best friend got shot right in front of him, and my boyfriend was the one who had to stick his hand in his chest to stop the bleeding. He had only 2 more months left in his deployment at that point, but he really started pulling away, questioning everything about himself and us, saying that he felt like he should just die too, etc.

Even after he got home, it was almost non-stop him telling me I deserved someone better, I shouldn't be with a man like him who is so messed up, I deserve to be happy, he should have just stayed over there, he wished he had died too, etc. All the things that your bf was saying, I heard. The only advice that I can really give is to just be persistent. If you really care about him, keep caring and keep going. He is trying to push you away because he thinks it will be easier for you to live life without him. He thinks it is easier for himself to stay there for another tour than to have to come home and face how different he is, and how different life is for him. It's a self-preservation/survival mode, and he doesn't want you to get hurt so he thinks the best way to do that is to push you away. If you truly think you want to be with him through all of this (and think hard about it, and do your PTSD research because it is a VERY tough and long road), then don't give up. Send him little messages every other day, that you're thinking about him or you love him. Remind him every single time you talk to him that you love him, that you're not going anywhere, that you are there for him no matter what. He may feel that because of your busy life, his needs aren't a priority, or that he is only bringing you down. Make sure you tell him that's not how you feel, that you care about him and will do whatever it takes.

It's not easy. It's a lot of repeating, over and over how much you love and care for them. It's frustrating. Sometimes you wonder why you keep trying, why he's not understanding, why you have to keep repeating the same thing over..and over..and oveeerrrr. But if you care, it's worth it. Two years into my relationship, he finally believes me that I love him, I care about him, and I'm not going anywhere. He isolates less and less, and talks more and more. There is hope, but you have to fight for it.

 

[nz16]

Yes my vet was also in spec ops! He has seen unthinkable things. I love him a lot!! Sadly, he goes back to Iraq next week. =( for another 6 months. He is thinking of resigning the contract saying the same bs that he prefers that lifestyle ugh. We got thrown into the military lifestyle and deployment in July. I knew it wasn't going to be an easy lifestyle and road, but I was more than ready of the challenge. I hate how they talk down on themselves- "I'm not good enough" "you deserve better" "I'm damaged/broken person". I just wish he can get the proper treatment instead of going back for another 6 months.

Right now, it is all still fresh and I'm just trying to cope with the sh*t storm that happen. It hurts because when we do text it feels like I'm talking to a friend. =( Its not the same, and so many thoughts go through my mind. Has he moved on with another girl, etc? But i still love him, and I know he does too under all the layers of fear, and numbness. Its just a hard choice to make. Somedays I miss him terribly, today being one of those days. I say to myself: Just be ready for him to be slightly different than he was before, still the man you love, but with a few changes to the man he was. Be patient and think positively. Other days, I realize that I deserve better. I deserve someone that is willingly to meet me half way, to fight for us. To reciprocate the love. That I need to move on, which is not an easy choice, but a healthy one.

 

[Sandi79]

I am in a similar situation and in fact, my ex/not ex/I have no clue anymore..also isolated before admitting he had feelings. At the time, I thought wow how sweet and powerful, now I am thinking wow, how very strange.

I hope you are doing well.