So im new to this website and Im hoping some people can give me advice. I was in a sexually abusive relationship in high school. It didnt bother me afterwards and i thought i was fine. I fell in love with this amazing man senior year of high school and we were so strong together. We both went to different schools in the fall for college, and for some reason, my PTSD hit me. It was like it had become too intense for me to hide from anymore. I honestly had no idea what was going on, and I just shut down. Around october I was drugged and gang raped-I had no memory of this until just recently. So during the fall I isolated myself and pushed away my boyfriend, who was so incredibly kind and understanding. And I just kept pushing, and I had no idea why. I hated myself for it. But i felt so overwhelmed and panicked. And eventually I started coming around, but it was too late. I had hurt him too much. I spent all spring semester fighting for us, but he was just too hurt. And we spoke the other day, and he's willing to talk to me in person about my PTSD but he says he figured I had it the whole time. And I cant let my PTSD win this one. I can't let this be the reason I lose the man I had such a beautiful incredible past with, and who I couldve had the most amazing future with. Im going to tell him about the gang-rape...hopefully that changes his mind. I really am holding onto the hope that he'll turn around, its the only thing getting me through the day because Im barely holding on right now.
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I Lost The Guy I Love Because Of My Ptsd
- Post starter set4
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Justmehere
Sponsor
Welcome to the website. You have been through some really awful trauma. It's great you are reaching out for support. Are you working with a trauma therapist you like on the symptoms and trauma?
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- #3
Justmehere
Sponsor
That's a great step! If you are working with an effective trauma therapist, as opposed to a generalist, is quite common for symptoms to get worse for a season. Something you can do is to talk to the therapist about what it will take to get symptoms under control and work through the trauma. Be as honest with them as you can about how much you are struggling. If the support isn't enough, talk to them about adding another session or group therapy. Something like DBT group throat may help with getting symptoms under better control in the short and long run so that you can be in closer relationship with others.
The experience you describe if pushing him away makes a lot of sense. Long distance relationships are a lot of work to maintain under the beat of circumstances. When sexual assault ones into the picture, love and closeness - and the vulnerability involved - becomes scary andmanu survivors shut down or actively push people away. It's a way that the brain is trying to stay safe and not be vulnerable and at risk for more trauma.
Pushing people away or isolating from relationship is a maladaptive coping skill used thankless the pain of the unresolved trauma that you have been through. It has to be replaced with a healthier skill and the underlying trauma treated.
In therapy, the therapist should be talking with you about other ways to feel safe and to be grounded and to mindfully connect to this moment now. This will help manage the feelings that come up when trying to navigate and maintain relationships with others.
When you talk to this guy that you used to be with, it might help to tell him a little of the trauma, but only disclose what you are ready to share. It may also help to tell him what you are doing about the symptoms and that you will be building healthier ways to cope with and work through the pain of the trauma in therapy.
The experience you describe if pushing him away makes a lot of sense. Long distance relationships are a lot of work to maintain under the beat of circumstances. When sexual assault ones into the picture, love and closeness - and the vulnerability involved - becomes scary andmanu survivors shut down or actively push people away. It's a way that the brain is trying to stay safe and not be vulnerable and at risk for more trauma.
Pushing people away or isolating from relationship is a maladaptive coping skill used thankless the pain of the unresolved trauma that you have been through. It has to be replaced with a healthier skill and the underlying trauma treated.
In therapy, the therapist should be talking with you about other ways to feel safe and to be grounded and to mindfully connect to this moment now. This will help manage the feelings that come up when trying to navigate and maintain relationships with others.
When you talk to this guy that you used to be with, it might help to tell him a little of the trauma, but only disclose what you are ready to share. It may also help to tell him what you are doing about the symptoms and that you will be building healthier ways to cope with and work through the pain of the trauma in therapy.
Kintsugi
Sponsor
Welcome to the forum, Set4. Happy to have you, but so sorry you're here.
You have been through the ringer. What has happened to you is awful, reprehensible, and chilling. I am really sorry to hear that your symptoms have caused a rift in your relationship and threatened its future.
However, you are not alone.
Not only are you not alone, but you do not need a relationship with someone if PTSD is a deal-breaker issue, because it really isn't about the PTSD winning; it's about the other party's personal choice and decision whether or not your battle with your life, your trials, your adversary (PTSD/trauma) is something that they can cope with. That may be difficult to hear, but I mean it with compassion.
Unfortunately, we are stuck with ourselves and our own personal battles. Others can decide whether it's too much for them, not what they want, or whether they're prepared to support you--all of you--and be in an intimate relationship.
What I'm really saying is that PTSD will not "win" if he decides he can't handle what you're going through, and you can push forward, because this is your life, and you deserve to take it back, fill it with supportive advocates, and live it in a way that best befits you.
I know this may not be what you want to hear, but I want you to understand that there is a community here for you, and if your boyfriend is unable to cope with your arising mental/emotional turmoil, that is his decision, and it has nothing to do with you, your strength, your worth, or your opportunity to build a bright and beautiful future with those who really want to share it with you.
You have been through the ringer. What has happened to you is awful, reprehensible, and chilling. I am really sorry to hear that your symptoms have caused a rift in your relationship and threatened its future.
However, you are not alone.
Not only are you not alone, but you do not need a relationship with someone if PTSD is a deal-breaker issue, because it really isn't about the PTSD winning; it's about the other party's personal choice and decision whether or not your battle with your life, your trials, your adversary (PTSD/trauma) is something that they can cope with. That may be difficult to hear, but I mean it with compassion.
Unfortunately, we are stuck with ourselves and our own personal battles. Others can decide whether it's too much for them, not what they want, or whether they're prepared to support you--all of you--and be in an intimate relationship.
What I'm really saying is that PTSD will not "win" if he decides he can't handle what you're going through, and you can push forward, because this is your life, and you deserve to take it back, fill it with supportive advocates, and live it in a way that best befits you.
I know this may not be what you want to hear, but I want you to understand that there is a community here for you, and if your boyfriend is unable to cope with your arising mental/emotional turmoil, that is his decision, and it has nothing to do with you, your strength, your worth, or your opportunity to build a bright and beautiful future with those who really want to share it with you.
- Post starter
- #6
Wow, it seems like you have a lot of insight on this. He knows about my high school relationship, but he doesnt know about the attack in the fall. Unfortunately, I couldn't even remember the assault until I started therapy a few weeks ago. I'm hoping this will help him be more understanding and willing to give me a second chance, because those people robbed me of so much. They robbed me of my dignity, self-worth, sense of security, and to top that off they robbed me of my memory. The flashbacks comes in waves, but its enough to know what happened that night. I'm just not sure how to approach things with my ex because I did hurt him by pushing him away so much, but i mean...all circumstances considered, i feel like i responded pretty naturally. I'm not sure what i can say to him. I wish i could just forget it and move on, but what we had was so incredible, and we could've had an amazing future. I feel like i was robbed of that as well.
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- #7
Simply Simon, I blame myself for pushing him away. Even though my reaction was completely normal, I still feel like its my fault for pushing him so far away. All he did was try to give me love and understanding and I guess it got to be too much for him. I feel like its my fault because I treated him so poorly. Im just at a loss.
EveHarrington
VIP Member
The start of therapy isn't an ideal time to start/restart a relationship as therapy is quite difficult at times, bringing emotions to the surface, and so on.
If you can, I'd keep him as a friend for now and focus on your own healing until you're in a place where you are more able to control your symptoms and not put so much on him.
If you can, I'd keep him as a friend for now and focus on your own healing until you're in a place where you are more able to control your symptoms and not put so much on him.
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- #9
Well...he doesnt want me to be his friend. He said he'd "prefer not to". But he said he'd wait and see what I had to say in person (the incident in the fall). but we're going to the same school this fall and Im thinking of just telling him then. Its just really hard cuz he lives right around the corner from me in my town.
EveHarrington
VIP Member
You mean that he'd only want to be your partner again, if anything?
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- #11
the last time i talked to him he still seemed extremely hurt, but was trying to act all tough guy and was saying he didnt want us to even be friends and that he moved on (i highly doubt that though). but we've been best friends since the sixth grade. how could he just cut me out like that? we're both young so im trying to be understanding of him and letting him figure things and giving him the space he needs. my friends think he'll come around eventually, especially when he sees me in person.
EveHarrington
VIP Member
Oh wow so you have known each other for awhile!
He is likely quite hurt and will need some time to heal. I think it's good that you're giving him space.
I think he cut you out because he's so incredibly hurt.
I think it would be a good idea to be completely honest with him. Lay it all out on the table. Tell him how much you care for him. Tell him how much you value him in your life. Tell him that you've experienced trauma and are working toward getting better/healing and that you're seeking professional help. And so on-----
Since you have a longer history with him, I would leave the door open. Tell him that you understand why he's so hurt and needs space to heal, but you'd be willing to rekindle the friendship (or more) at a future point as you value his presence in your life.
Things may not work out now, but at least he'll know that you care. He'll know that you value him. He'll know that you are respectful of him and his feelings since you're willing to give him space. He'll know that you really are working on getting better. And------if at some point in the future he works through his pain and realizes he wants you in his life again, he will know that's an option.
Of course I'm not trying to tell you what to do-----this is what I would do.
Sometimes people need space apart before continuing on in a relationship/friendship. I know it hurts, but I think it's best to not try and force something now as doing so might make him angry and push him away for good.
He is likely quite hurt and will need some time to heal. I think it's good that you're giving him space.
I think he cut you out because he's so incredibly hurt.
I think it would be a good idea to be completely honest with him. Lay it all out on the table. Tell him how much you care for him. Tell him how much you value him in your life. Tell him that you've experienced trauma and are working toward getting better/healing and that you're seeking professional help. And so on-----
Since you have a longer history with him, I would leave the door open. Tell him that you understand why he's so hurt and needs space to heal, but you'd be willing to rekindle the friendship (or more) at a future point as you value his presence in your life.
Things may not work out now, but at least he'll know that you care. He'll know that you value him. He'll know that you are respectful of him and his feelings since you're willing to give him space. He'll know that you really are working on getting better. And------if at some point in the future he works through his pain and realizes he wants you in his life again, he will know that's an option.
Of course I'm not trying to tell you what to do-----this is what I would do.
Sometimes people need space apart before continuing on in a relationship/friendship. I know it hurts, but I think it's best to not try and force something now as doing so might make him angry and push him away for good.
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