I Messed Up And Cut...

[mrsmegan]

I posted yesterday about how I was re-traumatized from a medical procedure - and ended up relapsing yesterday and cutting. I just couldn't stand the feelings/memories any more - I needed something to make it go away! It had been 225 days since I last cut and I am so sad and disappointed that I threw that away. I feel like absolute garbage :(

 

[SeptemViginti]

I'm so sorry that you cut.

I know it can be hard to feel like you are resetting your clock with how many days it has been since you cut, is there any way you can look at it differently?

You are not garbage.

 

[digger]

It had been 225 days since I last cut and I am so sad and disappointed that I threw that away. I

You didn't throw that away. Those 225 days - they're still yours, you still get to keep them, you still get to be proud of them, you still get to draw strength and hope from them.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Ok, start over and count again!

I had not cut for a few months, nor gotten high, nor did any rituals, nor looked at porn, but I "messed up" recently, had cutting urges, got high, looked at porn, got majorly triggered due to finding child porn by accident, ended up cutting down there a ton.

But its ok. Don't beat yourself up as that just adds to it. Just dust yourself off. Take a deep breath. And start counting days again.

That was yesterday. Yesterday is gone. It's now today. So 1 day of no cutting. Yay!

I understand the feeling! But ask yourself what coping skills could you have used instead and then keep them handy to deloy the next time you have a cutting urge. Start collecting or finding coping skills and start using them now and developing them. And then you will have them the next time you want to cut.

It's ok! :hug:s

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Definitely don't negate the success of the 225 days without cutting. That's not to say you can't be disappointed that you did cut, but I want to encourage you to be proud of how long you went without cutting because that's quite an accomplishment.

 

[Heather]

@mrsmegan I'm sorry you are having such a touch time.

What coping skills have you used in the past that have helped you not cut?

 

[mrsmegan]

Thanks so much for your encouragement. I know this doesn't change what I have gained in the 225 days - and I am certainly not in the same place that I was back in June. Not even close. I just wish I could really soak that in - that I could let that knowledge inform my feelings and beliefs - but that is so hard. That inner voice gets so loud - so demanding and insistent - I just can't give myself a break.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

I know how you feel right now. I started cutting when I was five. I quit when I was 27. I tried several times to quit. One thing that helped me break out of the despair/grief/guilt cycle was to frame it differently. Instead of saying, "I just threw away 225 days of not cutting" I would force myself to say, "I only cut once in 226 days." Maybe it would help you to look at it that way. You didn't throw away the days. They still count. Every one of them. All the times you said "No" to the urges are still there. I'll be honest - in the last 6 years that I haven't cut, I have been SO tempted many times. There was even a time this last December where I had a blade against my skin, ready to do it, before I was able to overcome the urge. You're not alone in this.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

That inner voice gets so loud - so demanding and insistent - I just can't give myself a break.

Yeah, that inner voice does get really loud. I guess you can acknowledge it. "I feel really angry at myself for cutting again." and then challenge it with something like "However, it was really great that I could go so long without cutting and maybe this time I can go for more than 225 days."