I Need Advice Please

[ZZZ]

My boyfriend and I have been together for the last 2 years. He served in Iraq for 5 years and got back from combat a few years before we met. He is now a photographer and is no longer serving.

We had a great relationship, extremely in love and very close to one another. He started getting depressed and feeling down in March. He didn't talk much about what he was feeling and I did not want to push him to tell me. Suddenly at the beginning of May he told me that he was not well, that he needed to see a doctor and that he could not be with me. I could not believe it, I was in complete shock. He no longer wanted to see me or talk to me anymore.

It's been 2 months now. I can say I have been to hell and back with this. It's a roller coaster of emotions. On the one hand he says he doesn't want to be with me because it's not fair and because all he does is hurt me. But on the other he will not let go. His clothes are still at my apartment. He doesn't want to take them back but has not slept here in over a month. He wont go a week without texting or calling me but when we see each other it's very dramatic and we both end up crying. He says I make him feel sad and that is the only emotion he can feel, otherwise he is numb.

Every week is the same routine: I don't hear from him or see him, finally one of us texts or calls the other. We see each other and get really sad and then he pushes me completely out of his life again.

He has been seeing a therapist since this all started. Recently he finally started to see his friends again. It made me happy at first but then I realized that he continues to see his friends and makes an effort with everyone else except for me. I was the closest person to him and now I am, what feels like, the only person left out of his life. I thought maybe he was over me and did not want me in his life anymore but anytime I try to leave he would bring me right back in. As soon as I am back in he would push me away again.

I don't know what to do. I feel frustrated and can no longer give excuses for his actions. It seems simple to me: if you love me then you would be with me. If you can hang out with your friends, then why can't you hang out with me? I know it's not that simple but I do not know what to do anymore. I am so confused. I love him very much but I feel like I have hit rock bottom. I asked him to take his stuff out of my apartment this week. I do not know if this was a good idea or not. I obviously do not want him to but I don't know what else to do. Is this normal ? Is what he is doing normal ? Should I not have asked him to do that ? Am I pushing him further away ?

 

[Nerdanna]

ZZZ,
Perhaps something has happened to him around the same time of year. I have been married for a long time to a PTSD sufferer and I know what you mean by the emotional roller coaster. I also have experienced feeling "left out" though he tells me different. I have come to believe it is about fear of hurt on his part. It is as though if he gets too happy he is afraid of the potential pain that can occur particularly if he gets "too close" to me. I have hit rock bottom a number of times over the years and am suprised we are still together.
It's probably a good idea to get support from close friends if you have them. That always helps me. And this forum has been helpful too. I realized two years ago when I became a member that I am not alone and that my husband is not alone in his pain either.
Be good to yourself. I hope things get better for you.
Nerdanna

 

[ZZZ]

Thank you Nerdanna ! I appreciate your help :)

I am lucky in the sense I have a lot of friends that surround me and support me through this hard time. The only problem with that is that they have not and are not going through the same thing so they do not fully understand my boyfriend's actions. Sometimes they give me the wrong advice, telling me that he is mistreating me and that there is no excuse for him to cut me out of his life like that. It's plays with my emotions and I start to believe things that actually aren't true at all. It's nice to hear from someone who is going through a similar situation.

I feel lost a lot of the time. He seems to act somewhat normal with his friends which makes me feel like I am being left behind or that he actually doesn't want to be with me and is not willing to put the effort. I understand why he is avoiding me though, every time we are together it is just so dramatic and we both get really sad. I think it's healthier for both of us to take a step back and give each other space. I don't think it's healthy for him to see me crying all the time - he feels like it's all his fault and that he is not good enough for me or something. What do you think ? At the same time I don't want him to feel like I am deserting him because I am not...

Thanks again for your advice.

 

[Nerdanna]

Well, in my case my husband has always felt and behaved worse if I cry and in the early days I cried alot until I began to understand combat induced PTSD . He hated to see me hurt...but was unable to react with anything else but more anger...out of his own fear of losing control. Don't get me wrong I still cry occasionally when I let myself go downward in negative thinking. But, I have learned to get myself out of it by turning toward taking care of myself rather than obsessing on trying to fix him.
This forum has a wealth of good credible information. At the beginning I read all the information I could get my hands on which helped me. Also I realized I needed to reconnect with friends which initially I let go of because I was always emotionally exhausted from the "battle". It's been very hard and still is.
Hope this helps a bit.

 

[ZZZ]

Thank you Nerdanna, you have been a great help !