I Need Everyone's Opinion

[Maryann V]

I need everyone's opinion. Why do I have to forgive my abuser? Why is that "necessary to move on". To me forgiveness would be like giving him a pass. What the f*ck did he do to deserve a pass? He very nearly ruined my life. He's probably laughing at what he got away with. I'm sorry, I can't do it. I will get better, I will continue therapy and move on. But I will never, NEVER forgive him.

 

[Saphy]

You forgive for your sake, not the abusers. You have to forgive so that you can have the relief of not holding onto a terrible memory. Forgiveness doesn't mean you do not learn. Learn from the experience and take note of red flags. This has proved most beneficial to me in my journey with PTSD. I always try to learn something positive from the experience even if it tears my soul apart.

 

[Rumors]

I wasn't aware that you had to forgive them. Hope not! However, I can see the benefit of not harboring hatred bc the ill effects it can have on your mind and body. I haven't gotten there yet either so don't feel bad! I am totally ok owning my disdain for them. I can live with that for now!
Best wishes on your endeavor. I hope, when YOU are ready, you are able to make a choice in how you want to deal with that. In due time I imagine! Hang in there!

 

[ms spock]

I don't believe in forgiveness. I think that makes other people feel better anyway.

I don't believe forgiveness is required for healing.

Forgiveness is part of a religious mindset. You don't have to worry about it, really, IMHO.

 

[Maryann V]

It is so nice to hear that. Maybe in time, I will, or feel the need to. But right now there is just no friggin way I can or will forgive him.

 

[Saphy]

You might just not be ready. When I "forgave" I didn't forgive him for his wrongdoing. I forgave the event from happening. I forgave myself more so than the abuser. I said, "It's okay, this happened. It hurt. It was traumatic. But you did everything you could and the proof of that is that you're still alive! You did everything you were supposed to in order to stay alive and that's what makes you stronger."

Hope that helps clarify the issue.

 

[discarded]

When you workout how to forgive I would really like to know.

 

[Sues]

Hi Maryann V! I've always had a problem with this too. My main thing is that I think of forgiveness as saying 'I'm ok with what you did. I forgive you, lets be friends' or something of that sort.

Others say it's not about forgiving them, but about moving on and being ok with what happened. Not that what happened is ok, but that you are in spite of it.

Great, I want to do that, but that is not what I think of forgiveness.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I go by the Alexander Pope quote "to err is human; to forgive divine" but I put my own spin on it. Most say it means that we need to forgive, but I see it as meaning that humans make mistakes, this is what makes us human. Forgiveness is divine...man is NOT divine so there is no requirement for man to forgive. That would be God's job and if someone wants to rival God in the job department, be my guest but it's inevitable that you'll fall short. I forgive when I can, when I can't I throw it up to God and move on. I'm not a lesser human because I can't forgive.

 

[Pencil]

You don't have to.

 

[Shellbell]

As forgiveness is an emotive subject, which most people here will say is not necessary, I will give the other opinion to balance this issue and say that for 'some', not 'all' - it may be something to be considered for healing.

And people IMO should not say it is absolutely in every case is 'not' necessary. That is like saying your opinion and your own experiences are the only ones worth considering.

But, I clarify, it should not be something anyone needs to feel obliged to do, or pushed into doing, or because someone - whether that be therapist, parent, friend, pastor or anyone - told you to do it. It is not an obligation in any way.

Also, I clarify, forgiveness does not have to be about religion. It is not only for religious people. But some people will jump to it being a 'religious only issue' to dismiss it and boost their argument against it.

If considering forgiveness - it is healthy to see it as being 'for the sufferer' to let go and move on and 'nothing to do with the abuser'. For some, it can be a very freeing and liberating experience.

I don't believe people 'have' to do it, or are failing if they don't, but I don't think everyone should be pushed into thinking it isn't possible 'at all', as for some 'it is'.

It is a very personal choice which shouldn't be pushed either way IMO.

People shouldnt be made to feel bad for wanting to forgive, or feel bad for not needing/wanting to.

 

[AS1975]

I said, "It's okay, this happened. It hurt. It was traumatic. But you did everything you could and the proof of that is that you're still alive! You did everything you were supposed to in order to stay alive and that's what makes you stronger."

Hmmm, I'm normally dead against forgiveness insofar as normally it places the victim in the position of trying to work out the how, what, why or when of why someone deliberately did something to injure them. As far as I am concerned that is not only irrelevant to their recovery, it actually further traumatizes and victimizes them, this time with their 'informed' consent.

That said, what you are talking about, or what I feel you are talking about, is close to what I call acceptance of the event, it happened, nothing is going to change that and the fact you are alive means you have done things and responded appropriately to the situation as it was (not as you may imagine it could have been).

Your conception of forgiving oneself for ones response in that situation is interesting, I am haunted by what I did or didn't do, what I could have done different, what would have been the outcome if (the dreaded "what if's") and am actually using the trauma diary I've started to actually examine what did and did not happen (and what I and others did and did not do), as a mechanism to allow me to understand what was done, the how, what, when, where and why and hopefully forgive myself for my actions. That I can see the value of.