Sufferer I Need Help, But I Feel Like A Liar When I Tell My Story

[jellfish]

Pretty much every single day I wake up at least semi-wishing I was dead. My story is incredibly complex because I have so many gaps in my memory and I'm at least slightly confused most of the time. Nothing really comforts me except being physically held, hugged or hand holding. And even then sometimes it's painful

I'm 21 years old. My father is a physician, but when I was born he was a professor. As a young child I remember him screaming and yelling at my mom a lot and my mom calling the police on him. I don't remember much about being 5-6 except crying a lot and being quiet, but my parents didn't mind until my grades started dropping when I hit puberty. My dad would lecture me for hours, and he wouldn't let me sleep. He'd tickle me or he'd touch me (non-sexually) and tell me I couldn't stop him because he's the boss of the house and needed to learn to obey. When I'd react, at about 15 I was already on quetiapine and diagnosed with a mood disorder, so he would hover over me and watch me take the medicine and I would go to sleep. When I was raped he said he "didn't know what really happened" and I didn't have a great amount of help recovering from that. My dad would humiliate me in front of other people, or even just humiliate me at home-- asking me personal questions about my menstrual cycle which I didn't want to answer-- but he would nag until I gave in. When I was 13 he would go into these in depth talks about sexuality which only in retrospect were creepy. He'd tell me all men were rapists then climb on top of me (with clothes on) and tell me to fight back until I was a sobbing mess. I never fought back I was too afraid. He didn't hug me or anything or tell me he loved me. He would call me ugly or a bitch or useless and worthless. Every single day when I was an adolescent. I feel sick writing this. I was in so much pain and I still am but I haven't been living with him for 4 months. Do I need medication? What therapy do I need? What resources can I find on my own online?

I can't go on disability right now, I'd love to stay at home and try to heal in my new house but instead I work two jobs and go to school for piano/vocal performance. I vomit every day due to severe anxiety and sleep 4-5 hours a day. I don't really know what to do.

I have a boyfriend who I love so much but it's at times like these I have no feeling for him. I love him a lot but I feel so terrible all the time so I don't trust him and I expect him to abandon me and what's worse, sometimes I don't care-- even though I'd be devastated. To me, he is the love of my life, but I don't know how to change my awful self.

If my dad read this he'd tell me I'm a liar and I'd have to start over again.

 

[Awol2k12]

Sorry to hear about your situation and I know how difficult it is to deal with a moment of your life that is almost completely blanked from your memory. I've had difficulty talking about my situation but on the rare occasion that I have, it's helped me tease fragments of thoughts and helped claw back some of those lost moments of time, I've done some background reading on PTSD and one of the staples for treatment is cognitive behavioural therapy, but you might need to talk to a professional to make sure this treatment would be of benefit to you

 

[Sandstone]

Your father didn't behave like a dad, he behaved like someone who wanted to confuse, manipulate and belittle you. His opinions don't deserve to count for anything.

You may already know that as a concept, but believing in within yourself is one of the main things therapy would be about. So you need to find someone you can become comfortable being open with, and grow to trust. That is probably more important than than the type of therapy. Meanwhile, reading here, and asking questions is a good start. There is a lot of open and generous support from this forum.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Jellfish,
Welcome to the forum.

Your father sounds like a creepy, narcissistic...

I'm glad that you are away from him.

You've come to a really good place here. The members are really supportive, know what it's like, and there are people here 24/7.

There are varied ideas on drugs, here as everywhere else.
The studies I've seen suggest that SSRI anti depressants are indistinguishable from the placebo in treating PTSD, but have significant increased risk of suicide, and side effects which are not good, plus, they're bastards to get off (far longer withdrawal than heroin!).

Drugs don't teach coping skills, and if they numb the problem, then the problem is still to cope with when you come off the drug, except you'll have got used to not dealing with it.

Coping skills are things like "grounding" which is bringing yourself back into the present
Identifying cognitive distortions
Interpersonal skills
Distress tolerance skills
And mindfulness, though we need to do it carefully.

You'll find articles about some of these on the front page, and the search function and suggested threads will find you threads on them.

Having a therapist who understands trauma, really does help.

Sorry about going on too long on an introduction thread.
@

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum! :)

Your father's behavior is not normal at all and it is good you are out of there. Do you have access to a counselor or therapist? If you are a student, many times there are resources available for students. There is also a lot of information here and the support is really helpful.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums

There are a lot of resources here, and I hope that this place helps you in recovery

Your father's behaviour is abusive, and it's good you got away from it, but it will probably take some time to get better from it.

It's not your fault.

You had very little support

Otherwise. Antidepressants and anti anxiety meds mainly. Thats what I take. But as anarchy said

I hope that you get better and good luck in recovery

hugs :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

No, you're no a liar. I hope you can see this.

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Solstice41]

I'm also a new member. I joined to find a safe place to share my thoughts, which may seem unbelievable to people who haven't experienced what those of us with PTSD have. Your's was the 1st post I read and I think it was for the simple reason that I can relate so much to what you wrote and I needed to see it to give me courage to share. My abuse was different in some ways but my dad also made me feel like I was a liar and convinced me never to trust anyone. I know for a fact that he is a Psychopath and he is in jail for the rest of his life. He did a lot of the same things your dad did and I thought for a long time he didn't rape me. Now, I know he did and I just blocked it out.

I will also post an introduction. I just wanted you to know I can relate and I wish you hope in healing.