General I Need Help

[Damiea]

Hello Robyn, Sorry to hear your having trouble. I thought I would add a bit of insight for you!

As for the computer game.. I don't know about warcraft but I have and do off and on play online games. I do know it can be very addictive and I have used it as a "get away" from stress and place to hide in. It is a place where you can feel you are good at something.. you can make money and provide for yourself and get special things and basically live a life where you feel you have achieved what ever you desire. It is also a place where you can get away from who you are in real life and become what ever or who ever you want to be... It is also a place where lots feel "safer" socializing with others... if people are unable to get out and socialize in real life for whatever reason you are able to to do that online with out all the scary factors there. You don't feel so alone any more.

If it is possible a great way to reconnect with him would be to play with him.. that might mean you have to get two accounts so it might be something you can afford. You could see if he would be interested in teaching you how to play... lots of times you can make more then one player on the same account. If not that.. just being interested in it just might spark that closeness you get when you share something someone is interested in. Remember this game is something he is proud of.. he is proud of what he has accomplished in the game. I know this might sound silly and almost childish but these games are really geared for adults and it is something you really have to work at to get anywhere in the game. In any regard.. it would give you guys something outside your problems to talk about to help relieve the stress that is in the house.

It's hard having a desire to have something of your "own" that is basically a waste of money. He knows its something that really would be better if the money was spent else where.. but it's like stopping at the store to buy coffee in the mourning.. you really want it even though you know you shouldn't spend the money on it when your short on cash.

anyways.. hope it helps some!

 

[dust]

WOW! What an amazing person you are Robyn and your husband is VERY lucky to have you! Therapy is tough, but it will help him, and therefore both your lives, to a better place. You are obviously a fighter. I'm inspired.
dust

 

[Seaside]

hey Robyn ! Glad to hear you stood your ground and told him calmly what was what . I have been in that same argument so many times and still hear the same old with regards to money . I wish I could buy ..... how come we never have any extra money ? It's infuriating for me at times to hear this because he knows d*mn well why we don't have any "extra" .He's managed to max everything . When I'm at my best , I can remain calm & not let it get to me but the days when I've had a rough day & I hear that type of comment ........ well let's just say it's hard for me to keep my cool .:crazy:

Things have been a bit better lately but it's hard . i'm still wondering if I'll ever feel like we're a couple again . I do feel like there is a distance between us now that wasn't there before , or was it there & I just didn't see it ?? I dunno . :dontknow:. I feel like I'm always "on guard" now for what's coming next & because of that unable to feel close to him - just a thought - will have to run it by the Therapist when I see her again . Somedays I honestly feel like he is handling his PTSD better than I am .

I agree with Damiea , the game is an escape . My husband doesn't do the games but is addicted to the computer just the same - mainly cars & Ebay , but for him it is an escape of sorts & a definate distraction .He gets totally immersed in it and spends hours upon hours at it .

Hey All ! Damiea , dust , Frankie , Lucy , cyndi , txdoll ,everyone here ; sorry if I missed anyone . You are all a great source of inspiration and knowledge about the demon we are all battling in our own way as carers - I mostly read and I'm very new to this forum but extremely glad I found this place in September - it's been a sanity saver ! Thank you All !

 

[becvan]

It is also a place where lots feel "safer" socializing with others... if people are unable to get out and socialize in real life for whatever reason you are able to to do that online with out all the scary factors there. You don't feel so alone any more.

If it is possible a great way to reconnect with him would be to play with him..

Hi Robyn. Gaming has almost zero to do with socialization for someone with PTSD. (I am both a sufferer and carer.) It has to do with zoning out, shutting off and escaping. It can also help us relive some of the horror and get out our aggression. With online games where there is chats, it's mostly about how to blow this or that up. Not dude wanna have coffee and hows the weather. It's secondary to the game.

Secondly the idea of asking him to play with him to reconnect is a very bad idea! This is an escape mechanism, not a socializing event. If he brings it up and wants you to join him then great, go for it. If he doesn't I would highly suggest not even going there. It is our means of escaping the torment we go through in our heads. Having to play nice, chat, and teach someone how to play is a guarantee that you will get exploded on. I've tried and it's not pretty.

I was frankly quite amazed at how you handled the situation with your sufferer. You should be very proud of yourself. Extremely WELL DONE!:thumbs-up

Damiea: I'm not trying to be rude towards you, mean, pick a fight or anything else. I just am not sure if you are aware of how your writing comes across (at least to me, it's not like I've asked around.) Your writing is as if your a sufferer and have PTSD. You talk about how when your stressed and when your this or that. However to the best of my knowledge you are a carer. You do not have PTSD. The information you give is quite good from a non-PTSD perspective. It doesn't match up at all, from a PTSD perspective. The way the information is presented, to me, seems very misleading. As I said, I'm not trying to be rude or mean or anything else, I just wanted to point this out as I think it could really confuse someone who is not aware that you are a Carer. I hope you don't mind.

All the best,
bec

 

[Robyn]

Hello again all...thanks for your insights and compliments.

Damiea: I used to be a little bit of a gamer a few years ago, mainly in dial-up days playing the text based MajorMud. In fact, MajorMud is what drew him into computers to begin with..so I guess I'm partly to blame for his 'drowning' himself into them now. Back then, I was more computer literate than he was but he has since far outreached me on that front. He's taken apart and rebuilt more computers since those days. Back then, it was more social and we even attended the local gatherings the bbs held. So, being from that ilk, I kinda understand the draw of the games. It more that they've left me behind because they're more impersonal and less local than they were back then.
If I put rational thought into the mix, I do realize that I've developed a jealousy over the past few years as he has gotten deeper into them and started putting money into the "development" of his online self. It's my opinion that it's 'just a game' and once you buy the software to load it onto your system, that should be the end of the expense, especially when there are other more necessary things that should be considered first. Also, there's the "I'm rarely home anymore" aspect that gives him a lot of free time with little else to do. Therein, is where the problem lies, because when I AM home, he's on the game and pays little attention to us doing things together like we used to. So when it's, "We can't do anything because we haven't got the money..." I'm having to bite back the retort that jumps to my lips, being "We might have if...yadda yadda yadda...on that d:naughty:n game!"
As far as me playing the game with him, it would have to be on his system because mine can't handle it. Although he has mentioned that I should play, and even built me a character. I feel that the next step would be him doing stuff for my character. So, in effect, I'd be perpetuating the financial problem secondhand.


dust : Thank you for your kind words, but I'd have to disagree on part of it. I am far from amazing, I'm just your average carer trying to protect things that are dear to me, including my husband. Of the two of us, he's far more deserving of that word that I am. I now know that he has suffered with PTSD for more than the 18 years we have been married. Before being diagnosed with PTSD, he was suffering from rheumatoid arthritis, degenerative disc disease, neuropathy, sleep apnea, diabetes, and a few other less debilitating problems. Now, at the age of 44, only a year after being diagnosed with the PTSD, he's feeling a lot of the pressure from being unable to work and (in his mind) depending on me for his health insurance, prescriptions, and most of his basic needs. At first, I thought a lot of that pressure would ease up when he was granted his disability...but it seems to have only worsened. I think it was the final confirmation that he was deemed 'unable to take care of himself'.
We're lucky to have each other. About the only point that he's 'lucky to have me' about is the fact that we don't have any children. If there were children, the story definately would have played out a whole lot differently. My first concern would have been for them and their well-being...as in, I probably wouldn't have still been here for the discussion I posted earlier.
As for my strength, well...that has come from this forum and it's people, like you who genuinely want to help others by relating their experiences and teaching others their coping skills. Last month, the very same discussion would have ended very bad. He would have been extremely angry and I'd have been in another room crying and feeling sorry for myself. I have gained insight into his PTSD world that he couldn't relate to me himself. Knowledge that has taught me that it's best to choose my battles wisely and fight them cautiously, with one eye on the opponent (PTSD) at all times.
So, again, thank you for your kind words and, even as they increase my ego a little bit, they also humble me to the fact that he and I are both wanting our lives back...

Seaside : Always good to hear from you. We seem to run parallel lives, you and I. :Hug_emoticon:

the days when I've had a rough day & I hear that type of comment ........ well let's just say it's hard for me to keep my cool .

I've got a prayer posted in these forums somewhere that helps me on days like that. It's called A Woman's Prayer. On the bad days, I'm trying to learn to just keep my mouth shut and say it in my head. I've shown hubby the prayer so when it gets difficult to keep my mouth shut, I just tell him, "Don't make me pray for strength!"

I feel like I'm always "on guard" now for what's coming next & because of that unable to feel close to him

My only advice is to allow him his space. On days like that, find something you enjoy doing and try to do it in the same room as him, if you can. But quietly enough so as not to disturb but just loudly enough so he knows you're there. If I get up, I gently ask him if he needs a refill on his beverage or something to eat. Eventually, he will begin doing the same. Sometimes, he'll put his thoughts into words. Don't rush to put your two cents in...just let him know that you're listening. If he wants your actual input or suggestion, he'll let you know. Mine just ends his sentences with "You know?" and I'll just say, "I think so." or "I know, baby."

I mostly read and I'm very new to this forum but extremely glad I found this place in September - it's been a sanity saver !

See what I mean about parallel, I started the forums in September too! I found them while trying to look up some of the "new" stuff he had started doing, like lying to me. We built our marriage on trust and honesty so this was the betrayal of all betrayal's. I was nearly ready for the door. But, the symptom's led me to PTSD and a light bulb went off in my head. He'd been recently been diagnosed by his psychiatrist with PTSD. He and I had never really talked about the diagnosis or what it meant. PTSD lead me here...and this is where I've stayed. Like Warcraft to him, the forum has become my obsession. And it has worked out well, because both computers are in the same room!
I don't post a lot...but I am very long-winded when I do. Some days, I just sit and read and learn. Other days, I feel more opinionated and butt in on nearly every thread . And yet, other days, I just feel like sharing my experiences in the hopes of helping someone else.
Whatever you feel like doing is fine. Just know that I'm here just about every day if you need to vent, along with the rest of these wonderful people!!:Hug_emoticon:

becvan : A big hug to you!! You're insight into hubby's escapism into Warcraft has helped me to understand a lot more about the reasoning behind it than before. As always, I tend to listen more to the sufferers when I'm trying to understand hubby's mental attitude. A lot of the things he's unwilling or unable to tell me himself, I learn from here.
To be a sufferer AND a carer :eek: is beyond my comprehension right now. I give you all the props you deserve for handling the twice difficult task of both sides of the spectrum!! Thank you for your insights.
Don't feel slighted that my response to you is so short. Hubby just asked me to make him some peanut butter cookies (it's 10:30pm!) and he's in that juncture between feeling ok and feeling blah, so I want to do this for him in the hopes it'll swing him back to the ok side.
Just know that I am looking forward hearing from you again! Thanks!!:Hug_emoticon:

To all...I'll be back soon after the making the cookies. I'll try and be quiet and read for awhile. I'm about typed out at the moment.

Hugs all around and I hope the rest of your evening is filled with good events!!


Robyn

 

[Damiea]

Ohh I'm sorry for the miss understanding.. I was writing more about what Robyn was feeling not what the sufferer was feeling kind of. As in how after awhile you can forget to step back and look at things and reassess the situation and that sort of stuff. It is very hard to live your life being so stressed in a relationship and being so unsure what to do or not do that just talking about stuff helps.

As in how it is so easy to become so frustrated with someone who spends so much time and money doing things like playing games. Just hearing about other peoples experiences "regardless of who" helps sometimes.

I in no way expect or would recommend anyone actually going out and doing anything that anyone said just because they said it! Starting a conversation and developing a more wide variety of info is much more healthy to gain a total perspective of what others have experienced and how they view things. I'm not totally sure.. but I will look again.. no one actually talked and put in any info on different stuff that Robyn was talking about other than offer comfort and support. Which is all very good but sometimes if it is a topic that is brought up a few times it usually is something that they are thinking about and are bothered by it.

Bec your info was very precise and detailed and I'm sure it all is helpful for her immensely! I just wrote on the feelings I got from her posts and I got the gut feeling this was something he was proud of and I know how hard it is for a suffer to feel good about themselves when they aren't doing well. I thought that showing some interest "doesn't have to be a lot.. and doesn't mean you have to put more money into it" would be helpful at times when he needs something to feel good about.

It is very true that I didn't think about blowing things up part! It's also true that I didn't think about the back fire about him lashing out over things because of the game. But I assumed others would add there info also which is what happened!

No hard feelings Bec! Thanks for the insight and I will try and make sure I am more clear as to my perspective and that I am a carer and not a suffer so as my view point is clear.

 

[becvan]

I'm glad the information helped some Robyn. :) And after writing that book you worry that I will feel slighted? :rofl: Not bloody likely!

Thank you for understanding Damiea! You have no idea how relieved I am right now! I really really really wish we had carer or sufferer under our names. I get very tired of always typing out I'm a sufferer and carer! :rolleyes: And it would simplify what perspective someone is coming from!

After you explained it, it makes sense to me. But I swear how you write sounds like it's coming from one of us but the words don't match!

I often wonder about my different way of thinking, but that is a discussion for another day. Enough from me this evening! Have a good evening ladies!

bec

 

[Lucy Loo]

Robyn, I think you handled the situation very well. I think I would have probably blown up and started pointed the finger back at him which, of course, would have just made things 100 times worse.

You sound like you have wisdom in knowing what to say and in knowing to not be pulled in to the emotions and reacting to them. :thumbs-up That will go a loooong way in helping both of you.

 

[Frankie]

Hi Robyn,

You are really on the right track...I truly believe your relationship will only get better. Talking, making him understand how you feel, giving him space, loving him, being near him..while not invading his space, taking care of the finances, and still taking care of yourself....:)

About his computer, some of us go online to chat or play games or simply to pass time...some for an escape !

For those with PTSD it could be all of the above! We as carers have to know the difference and give them the time they need to escape !

Like Becvan, I also would tell you to leave him alone when he is "escaping" on his computer, he will surely let you know if and when he wants you to join him !

I also understand your frustration about his spending money on his computer when you can use the money for other things ! Hopefully, in time he can find a job (when he is ready for it)...even a part-time job that will be suitable for him.

Seaside, thank-you for your kind words ! Carers here have one thing in common....we all love our partners and want the best for them

We all come here for the same things....to learn more about this disorder and to share our thoughts and experiences, hoping it will help someone else and for support :)

Hugs !

 

[Robyn]

From Lucy Loo:
Robyn, I think you handled the situation very well. I think I would have probably blown up and started pointed the finger back at him which, of course, would have just made things 100 times worse.

You sound like you have wisdom in knowing what to say and in knowing to not be pulled in to the emotions and reacting to them. :thumbs-up That will go a loooong way in helping both of you.

Oh, I've had those times too. Especially those little comments under the breath that you utter as you're walking off into another room. Sometimes a little too loud but necessary, because you feel you'll explode if you don't say it...get it out of your system.

I have the wisdom to know what to say...we all do. But so often, the wisdom gets trampled on by pure reaction & inner turmoil. :wall: I've started more fights than I care to admit too, simply because I didn't have it in me to be calm and rational. When that happens, I get it out...then walk away or go for a walk to calm down and think about it. If I was wrong, I'll come back and apologize. If not, I'll come back and see if he's receptive to a calmer discussion. Sometimes, that discussion takes place a day or two after the incident, but I do try to revisit it in a calmer way at a later time.

I wish I could be the "perfect carer" (as much as I wish he was not PTSD) but unfortunately, they haven't invented the replacement parts so I'm still totally human, not a robot. I do, however, take more ibuprophen than I used to...so that I can hold back the headaches I get from all the small battles that I let slide. I'm learning to pick my fights. Arguing over "ever little thing" does him more damage than good...because it only increases his feelings of worthlessness. His "I can't do anything right" attitude that, quite honestly, makes me more angry than any other emotion.

My mom always told me: "Don't put yourself down! There's plenty of other people in the world that are more than willing to do it."

So, to make an already long post longer...I'm only human...and so is everyone else. :think:

:Hug_emoticon:
Robyn

 

[Seaside]

Hey All!

Thankfully it's been a quiet week - so far . Things are still in limbo but no big blow ups or major issues to deal with this past week . He has an appointment with his therapist today and before I left for work this morning he was not in the best of moods & he made a few nasty comments which I side stepped quite nicely ! (I can occasionally ! ) I'm hoping the mood will be different this evening .
I still find myself wondering when things will 'be normal' again - I guess I have to stop thinking this way and deal with it and stop 'waiting' . It's hard and today I find myself feeling - not so strong , very discouraged & so unsure about my families future . 'sigh' I'll post again when I've got more positive things to say - just venting - take care all .