Relationship I Need Some Help And Some Opinions.

[Lostandhurt]

Ive posted twice before this about me and my now ex girlfriend. I am happy to report that things are getting a little better but not much. I understand her emotional numbness and tbe fact that she is distant. I know she cant help it right now. She doesnt have the willingness or energy to have conversations or make an effort to talk to people because she barly has enough willingess or energy to get out of bed. I know that inspite of all of this I am the one who still get the majority of her attention. Her one word replies through texts seem like she is being distant but she has told me she barly picks up her phone and im the only one she really talks to. I know its about all she can muster right now. I hope that hets better and I hope she starts to feel again. And I hope more than anything that her feelings come back for me. But even if they do, there is something I am still very afraid of.

She was druged and raped but after that we were able to move back to a sexual relationship with out to many issues. Then the flash back happened. Thats what brought on the recent sting of depression and now she is completely afraid of sex. Or any kind of touching at all. It freaks her out and makes her feel uncomfertable. I know its something she may not ever completely get over but i know at someplint she will be able to do those things again. What im afraid of most right now is that since im the one who caused the flashback that she will never be able to seperate me from that fear. Even if she is able to start doing those things again and wants to do them with me, im afraid that her fear will stop her. Because i am associated with the fear.
I know its a possibility, but do you think its likely? i have been resteling with this question for a few days now.

Thank you in advance.

 

[saraemerald]

I'm so sorry you are going through this and it is rough for her too. That sucks. Maybe she can learn to trust you again after the experience she had with someone taking advantage of her. Maybe you can show her that you are different from the man who raped her, and teach her that there are good people out there that care and are willing to be there for her in good times and bad. <3

 

[Virtues]

Look, I understand that sex is an integral part of a relationship (I really do), but it doesn't sound to me like your ex-girlfriend is anywhere close to ready for that type of commitment right now. If you really want to help her you will 1) give her time and space. 2) try to get her into therapy. 3) start putting her needs before your own. and 4) be there for support right now, nothing else. If somewhere down the line she gets her symptoms under control and is ready for a relationship (which trust me she is not right now, by what you have told me) then be there for her if she is still interested in making things work. That is all you can do to support her right now. I'm sorry I know that's not the answer you want, but that is the cold hard honest truth of the matter. If she is struggling to get out of bed (I've been there) and she is having flashbacks of her rape she is not ready for a sexual relationship with you. She needs help to get her symptoms under control, and only the help of a psychiatrist and psychologist can do that for her. I don't mean to be brash, but you really need to ask yourself what your motives are in this relationship.

 

[Lostandhurt]

Look, I understand that sex is an integral part of a relationship (I really do), but it doesn't sou...

I honestly dont care about the sex. That wasnt the point of my post. I probably wasnt very clear but I am worried that eventually when she thinks she is ready and if we are going to try to make things work that her fear wont let her. I just want to know if you think she can differentiate between me and her overall fear. Because if she cant then me being around will only hurt her more in the long run. I want nothing more than to help her and to be there for her. Im just afraid that it might be easier for me to cause a flashback for her than someone else now

 

[Virtues]

Flashbacks are weird and are triggered by the simplest of things (this goes for combat trauma, sexual trauma, or any other form of trauma...); it could be something subtle such as olfactory related (example: you were wearing the same cologne as her perp) and she didn't even realize what set off the flashback. It could be something more drastic like just the act of sex alone; maybe just having you on top of her reminded her of being in a vulnerable position. I'm not an expert in sexual trauma, but if you leave this post here long enough you will undoubtedly get a number of responses. I attend group 5 days a week (many members suffer from MST) and I can only speak second hand from the information they have shared with me. I'm happy to discuss generalized PTSD questions with you, but specific sexual trauma questions may be better answered by other members. I wish you the best of luck with the uphill battle you are facing right now.