Childhood I need some help. i'm in highschool and confused

[Super CoolTM]

Okay so I really need some help figuring this out. A while back I started to suspect I was molested or raped as a child, but eventually passed it off as a delusion since I have schizophrenia (ever since I was a child. I will get back to that later). But I was talking with my uncle and there are TOO MANY coincidences for it to be a delusion. Delusions have no proof. This does.
I think my dad or someone raped me as a child. Why I think that:
1. My crotch burned and hurt CONSTANTLY as a child. I complained so much that my mom took me to the doctor and I had many urinary infections. I had a fear of getting naked and being in the bathroom, especially when she needed to collect my urine. That was horrible. I was too scared to use the bathroom! (While we're on the subject of bathroom, I am transgender. Born female and transitioning into male).
2. I found blood once or possibly twice in my underwear. Keep in mind I was maybe 8 or 9 at the time. I was in bad burning pain and I freaked out at the sight.
3. Sex scared me (till this day. It's taboo for me) yet I was very sexual. I would CONSTANTLY make stupid dumb sex jokes and make everyone uncomfortable (I don't pick up on cues well tbh). But have stopped because I realized that's not appropriate or funny anymore.

I would panic whenever the topic was brought up to the point I felt sick from fear. I knew what sex WAS but I didn't know it had a name. (We're gonna get embarrassing here for a moment). I would touch myself constantly. All the time. If I didn't, I would panic. It apparently cause disturbances in school. I also had bad self harming issues (well it didn't change but I was more drastic then. I would pick my skin until I saw muscle or blood). And so anxious and mentally ill I couldn't function. Hygiene was unheard of until sophomore year. Couldn't take showers for years. I was a bad bed wetter and had frequent nightmares. For a long time I couldn't sleep unless someone was with me (again, this was because I saw shadows or thought people were going to kill me. Schizo was bad then).

4. Irrational fear of my dad. We were close when I was a child. Now that I think of it, a little too close honestly. It was common for hi to give me back massages, but one day it made me panic and we stopped. A few times he went a little low to my areas for my comfort and we stopped again. He touches me (unsexually) and it makes me feel threatened and scared. It will even trigger and "arousal" (I don't get aroused. I cannot feel anything down there so it's weird to even call it that) and I will panic. I will not let anyone touch me, and when they do I shiver violently and flinch. I am sent into a trance and disconnect with reality. I passed it off as schizo and autism but who knows.

5. School was tough for me, but I blamed it on my abusive teachers and constant bullying and mental illness. But it was considerably bad even in elementary school.

So, do you think I was sexually abused as a child? Let me know. I need to know if I'm faking this or not, thanks everyone!

 

[Muttly]

Hi and welcome. It sounds like you have had a really, hard time and I am so sorry. I don't have schizophrenia but there's a lot of things I relate to in your post. I am also transgender, I transitioned years ago (female to male). A lot of what you described about your dad sounds like my dad.

None of us can tell you if you were abused. That is something, that sadly, you will have to sort out yourself. I had the same confusion in high school and didn't really sort it out for myself until I was in my 40s. A lot of the signs you've described are consistent with sexual abuse.

For the moment, let's pretend you are "faking". (I don't believe you are). All those fears and issues are still real and painful and hard to deal with. They still matter. And you are going to need support. Do you have a good therapist? Do you have supportive family? Also, do you still live with your dad?

 

[SupercoolTM]

That's interesting! We switched our doctors and therapist, so I haven't met the new one BUT we've got a doctor's appointment coming up and I will talk about this. Yes I still live with my dad. I am currently 17 and cannot drive

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that you were hurt and the symptoms you suffered are not your imagination. Can you get into copies of your health care when you were a child? Are you in therapy?

 

[Deleted member 37085]

A lot of what you described about your dad sounds like my dad.

Same here with me...regarding my "relationship" with the bio-father...and I wet the bed all the way up until late teens...and the bio-father was sexually inappropriate with me...and I always felt that if the bio-father had the chance...he would sexually harm me...and I believe because of EMDR Therapy linking the bio-father to the step-father child molester, and also looping in to the rapist gastro doc...that the bio-father did indeed sexually harm/abuse me...however, I do not have actual vivid accounts.

However, during EMDR Therapy earlier this year I had vaginal sensations re the bio-father and I strongly believe that the bio-father sexually abused/harmed me. I hope you are in trauma therapy...I am in trauma therapy at the present time...doing adult to child role-play...one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. So grateful for your post here.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am posting this merely as a one of many possible explanations.This is not based on my opinion of what may have happened, just one of many possibilities.

You mentioned you were always touching yourself down there, and that you had poor hygiene. That could have contributed to the reoccurring infections. It is a real possibility the blood was from one of the many UTI's that you mention because that is a symptom.

Now to my personal opinion. I don't think you are faking anything your symptoms are real. You clearly had a lot of things causing you stress and anxiety as a child. I am 50/50 on where you were abused because you mention a lot of other things that could have contributed to your symptoms.

 

[Super CoolTM]

I am posting this merely as a one of many possible explanations.This is not based on my opinion of wha...

I agree. That's why I'm having so much trouble! I was born with anxiety and depression. They were severe at a younger age, so they probably contributed to my hygiene and such. But what doesn't make sense to me is why I was feeling so much pain in my area, why I have a horrible fear of sex, can't be aroused or feel numb down there, why when my dad hugs me or touches me I feel "aroused" and dirty. It just doesn't make sense to me. Thank you for your reply

I think that you were hurt and the symptoms you suffered are not your imagination. Can you get into copies...

Yes I suppose I could do that. And therapy is tricky rn. We're moving soon so our doctors switched. My old therapist doesn't make me feel valid and I'm too scared to see her, and it will be a while until I meet my new therapist. My mom is scheduling an appointment with my new doctor, and there I will discuss this and try to see if she can give me a check up.

Same here with me...regarding my "relationship" with the bio-father...and I wet the bed all the way...

That sounds awful. I'm so sorry

 

[Fadeaway]

But what doesn't make sense to me is why I was feeling so much pain in my area

That would be the infection, those are painful. Burning pain is a symptom of infection. The rest? I am hoping you feel comfortable with your new therapist to discuss. It has to be difficult for you not knowing and i wish we could give you more answers.

 

[Super CoolTM]

That would be the infection, those are painful. Burning pain is a symptom of infection. The rest? I a...

Ah, thank you

 

[Deleted member 8714]

There are other conditions as well which can cause pain. It may not be an infection. I have a condition, which some doctors say develops from long term abuse, which causes itchiness and a burning sensation. There are other conditions too.

 

[Super CoolTM]

That's true. My doctors/mother just told me it was urinary infections. I also got ear infections and eye infections, but I don't know if that's related. I'm just susceptible to that stuff. Also lately, I'm getting horrible pains in my area that feels like my pelvic is being split open. It's worse when I used to get periods (I am a trans male, I take testosterone so I no longer get periods), but it would happen more so as a child. Now that I think about it, I would also find lots of "fluids" in my underwear, usually coming with pain. They were white, yellow, or bloody. Years before I could have a period. I could also just look up symptoms of infections, so maybe it's just that.

 

[Suzetig]

I was born with anxiety and depression. They were severe at a younger age, so they probably contributed to my hygiene and such.

Just to be clear, no one is born with anxiety and depression - babies aren't depressed. You may have had health issues that needed a lot of care, have been colicky, had reflux or any one of a hundred things that meant you were difficult to care for - but babies don't have the processing capacity for anxiety or depression.

You might have been a clingy baby who needed their mum, but that's still not about anxiety as we understand it. I think you're trying very hard to understand yourself and adding lots of things together to make it fit.