Childhood I need to get this out

[saraemerald]

I am trying so hard to Thrive, not just survive. I feel like most of my life thus far has been spent just trying to survive another day. What I mean by this, is enduring horrific childhood abuse, having PTSD, being on your own financially, being shunned by a strict religious cult and community of friends and family I grew up with just because I stopped participating, experiencing a self-destructive attitude I never had before and now trying to understand these behaviors so opposite of the typical me, trying to find my own identity outside the cult and be part of the world around me that I wasn't allowed to be a part of before, and experiencing fatigue, so stressed out, my body feel like it's so taxed and I am trying to hold on while continuing to hold down normal responsibilities, work, bills, etc and having somewhat of a social life. I want to scream!!! What the hell!!! I am so angry! I have had so many things in life taken away from me! All because I had very mean, dysfunctional parents growing up, I wasn't allowed to be friends with "worldly people" (anyone outside that religion) amongst many other restrictions including discouraging a higher education so now I am suffering financially because I held myself back from pursuing an education I wanted to pursue. Two years of college was starting to become acceptable but I couldn't even do that even though I was accepted in a program at a college and at the same time, had developed full-blown PTSD symptoms that wracked my body to the point of not being able to function very well and suddenly experiencing severe anxiety I never had before.
And now that I have left that religious cult, I am now recooperating from being self-destructive for a few years, partially due to me still believing that cult had "the truth" and I was wrong for leaving. During this time, someone also slandered me in my home congregation I grew up with, everyone thinking I was a mental case and thus suddenly stopped being friends with me. All this caused legit pain and isolation and eventually I felt like I now a legit mental case and this caused shame and confusion. I am sooo tired and trying to pick myself up again like I did before. My head hurts. What's wrong with me? =(
Why is life so complicated?!

 

[saraemerald]

On top of all this bulls##t caused by the aftermath of leaving a disgusting cult, I was already diagnosed with PTSD about a decade ago because of the effects of childhood abuse I already suffered that isolated me already from even my peers in the religious cult. I came from the weird family. They, (my parents) hurt me so badly everyday of my life growing up and I just tried to be as good of a little girl as I could. I wanted someone to care. So I just tried, from a young age to be as good and loving as a person as I could be and dreamed of having my own kids and being so good to them, not like my parents. I wanted to prove that no matter where you come from, you are YOU, and you have choices. So I chose to be positive about every situation, like Pollyanna. I loved that book, Pollyanna growing up and felt like I was similar to her because I tried to focus on the good no matter what I had to endure.
I also thought that if I followed my religion as closely as possible and believe in God and pray to him everyday and follow everything the religion wanted us followers to do, that it would eventually solve everything and that God would take care of everything. So I devoted myself and my life to this religious cult that's a bit extreme and very controlling over it's members' lives and if you leave, you get shunned.

 

[AnotherUser]

You've really been through the mill, no doubt about it, and no surprise if you need to vent. I'm also sorry for the reaction of your friends, as you describe. There are better friends out there for you, starting here. :)

And the fact that you're here means you're looking to make things better and not worse; which, far as I can tell, makes you pretty much the only responsible adult in a bad situation that you've recently emerged from! That's something solid to lean on in this dark moment.

It might not feel like it, but I think you're on a good road, even if it is hard to see at the moment.

 

[Mover2]

I am trying so hard to Thrive, not just survive. I feel like most of my life thus far has been spen...

So sorry, I to have terrible childhood sexual abuse. I just wanted to say hi and you not alone. I also have nobody to talk to and limited ability to even talk about it still - I am 53.

 

[saraemerald]

I tried so hard, for many years, since I was little, to do the best I could to not be weird like my parents, and to avoid being dysfunctional and to be positive about my future and work very hard so I could be independent financially and be a responsible adult and I tried so hard to be loving towards myself and undo the effects of being shamed by my parents every day and heal from all the abuse and rise above bullying from peers and being hurt so bad by my "best friend" growing up preventing me from being friends with the other kids in my congregation and her being so mean to me when my dad dropped me off at her house on a regular basis. Despite all this, I was still a positive person who loved people and thought life was still beautiful.
What I didn't know was a combination of being a positive person and growing up abused and having anxiety but still being resilient and healing, makes people want to hurt you or not give you a chance and talk about you without ever getting to know you?!
My true friends I ever had were always older people who are very nice and compassionate. Teachers and people who were not biologically related to me but were like parents to me. Rarely anyone my own age.
And I just got tired of being a
"good person", "nice, sweet person", etc.
So I proceeded to ruin my life and hurt myself and ruin my self-esteem. Pissed off at people who want snotty, shiny robots as friends instead of real people. Or sheep following some disgusting cult who are so insecure, that their life revolves around looking perfect and f##king gossip and judging people for being human and having lives outside the f##king cult!
I am so pissed off over everything! And it's helping me so much right now to just let it all out and get it all off my chest in a safe place.

 

[saraemerald]

You've really been through the mill, no doubt about it, and no surprise if you need to vent. I'm al...

Thank you. That's why I'm here. To get it all out and heal.

 

[saraemerald]

So sorry, I to have terrible childhood sexual abuse. I just wanted to say hi and you not alone. I also...

Yeah, it sucks.
I am so sorry you have no one to talk to about it. Having supportive people is so important. When I have no one to talk to, I will sometimes try journaling. And of course coming on here for support too.

 

[PTSDin it]

I am trying so hard to Thrive, not just survive. I feel like most of my life thus far has been spen...

Nothing is wrong with you. Something is clearly wrong with those ppl. Society has become such that those with opposing viewpoints from a group are outright shunned. I understand how you feel. In college, and in other times of my life, trauma and ptsd flashbacks would come up from my abusive childhood. Going to therapy at 18 was a godsend. Now I'm seeking EMDR therapy and coaching from narcissistic abuse counselors. Every day though is a struggle, for sure. You seem like a very strong person with your own viewpoints-these kinds of people are invariably shunned by religious cults as they don't get with the program, if you will. You are a threat in that you will not submit to their bs. It will be lonely for a time, but you will find your people and you will find peace and support with like-minded individuals. Loneliness can be strengthening, also. It's not a bad deal to be alone if you are loving yourself and treating yourself well. You'd be surprised how many people think similarly as you do, also. My heart goes out to you. Hope you find peace and support wherever you are.