I Need To Give Up Trying To Find The Right One

[glass half full]

What I mean by that is I'm very attracted to looks. I guess every guy is. When I was twenty two I was...

sonic- from a woman's perspective- beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some men think I am drop dead gorgeous, others think I'm rather plain. They're all right because that's how I am to them. I am a whole lot more than my exterior. I have a pistol of a personality and am a loving caretaker. We're all studies in contrasts. Let me suggest a couple if things- you probably won't ease up on judging others, including women, until you ease up on judging yourself. Women are generally very good at emotional intelligence and quite intuitive. You are likely giving off vibes that you are unaware of. I've worked with people my entire adult life. I can get a pretty accurate read on someone in a very short period of time. Think about what kind of unintentional messages you may be sending and then think about whether that's who you want to be. Most women will pick up on negativity as well as players.

I would also suggest you lighten up about sex. Whatever happens in private between consenting adults is cool as long as both are freely- freely consenting. If your ex girlfriend was cool about whatever, it probably wasn't depraved. Sex is a beautiful and natural expression of love and devotion between two people. Its also the best way to play for adults- alone or with a partner. I believe God would not have given us toys we were not meant to play with.

Until you are more happy with yourself, you probably are not going to attract a well balanced partner into your life. Be what you want to attract.

 

[sonicwhite]

To be honest I want a pretty fickle woman. Not to pretty just a treasure and apple of my eye. Is this wrong. Am I conceited. I feel I am because I won't give anybody a chance. It's like I have to find that right one. I know it's what the heart says is what matters. I'm just try to find a Christian gal that I fall madly in love with. Not right away as to seem creepy. But something inside me says this is the right one. Is this wrong? I prayed to God every night that Anna would be saved. We broke up in 05 I got in contact with her in 09 and I said I'm over you completely, meaning I don't want your body. All I care about is to see you go to heaven.


Isn't that what matter. Even tho she is beyond beautiful I desired her soul to go to heaven before I would take a life by throwing her into confusion and I life full of sin. She quoted scripture to me to assure me she was saved. Then she said I have to go. I wish you the best.



So I got what I desired. The satisfaction that the sting of death was taken from her and my conscience. To fully rejoice in my heart that she was going o worship the Lord like me.



Now I wished I would had to try to get a little closer. Maybe she thought I was over her in the sense that I will never want her again. But out of fear because I've been rejected so many times I had to protect my heart in case she never wanted anything to do with me.


I feel I lost the apple of my eye. I wish her the best in life. To do even greater things than I will ever do. May God bless her and her family. Oh well. W

 

[mary1979]

I dont think your perception is distorted by ptsd @sonicwhite.

It would seem rather natural to most that your first thought or opinion of a woman would be based on their looks, that would be a primal instinct I believe.
Her look, smell and aura are part of how she is built in order to attract a mate.

Luckily, people aren't all attracted to one particular look or many would be screwed ahahaha

And I don't think your age, or your own looks altering with tine would really change the type of woman you are attracted to either.
For most they probably just lower their standards with age so they still get some lol

Seems to me you have changed somewhat if you think a lady would have to work much harder now to 'get in your pants'

Maybe you need to go easy on yourself a bit

 

[sonicwhite]

Smoking meth and having the most depraved animal sex for like five hours. Yes I would say that that is not in line with what sex should be. It should be two coming together to show they love each other, one thing about stimulants is that they make sex so much more better in a bad way. Like it is twisted and not what God had made for a woman and a man.



People can say that's not true but I can almost bet that all porn stars are on some type of stimulants so they can make a hour long movie. I hate porn with a passion. Sodom and Gamorrah was destroyed because of this. And it is an example to those who live like that that they will reap the same reward, now I'm on preaching but. I feel I want a solid connection between someone. Like a sign that this is the one.


I believe the God of the bible does do this for people. It's just when He moves. I have learned so much by waiting how to treat a lady. From being the way I used to be. I was killing my ex, opening doors to like drugs like meth and other things. That's not love. Love is when you care so much about a person you wouldn't want to harm them in anyway. I know many here have different views on how sex should be. As for me it should be under marriage and also to want to conceive. But also for play isn't bad as long as you two are married.



Absulatly no meth or any other stimulant. It just brings out lust, not love.

 

[mary1979]

Oh.

You're a born again sonic?

I have a friend who became Christian that way.
She pretends that all the stuff we got up to as kids never happened.
She only remembers good things she did.

I think you are doing it wrong lol

 

[sonicwhite]

You may believe and choose to think that. I believe in my heart that my conscience was seared by depraved sex. It could be the comedown and caused the psychosis. So much dopamine on the brain every other day I smoked meth.


Now I am a firm believer that sex is to become one with someone and to show how much they love each other. It's a gift from God not to be abused at all. But hey if I find a pretty lady I won't say that if we get married I won't be tempted to do that again but that is just me.

 

[hangingon]

I recently listened to a great sermon. Its pretty relevant to this. Its called Dominion and marriage by pastor Tony Evans. You can look it up online. Its for anybody in a relationship, you don't have to be married to learn from it. Its actually more beneficial to hear it before you're married. He lays down the Christian foundation for relationships and how men & women interact. It is really interesting and he relates it all back to the bible and Adam & Eve. Its about 45 min long or so. Very much worth a listen.

 

[hangingon]

To be honest I want a pretty fickle woman. Not to pretty just a treasure and apple of my eye. Is this...

I Absolutely understand how you felt in this situation. I struggle daily with what I want versus what is best and what is right. I used to think so highly of myself that I believed what I wanted was best & right. In my current relationship, I have grown to know what's best may not equal what I desire for myself. That is a hard lesson to learn. Even if what I want for myself & my man is good, it may not be what God intended or what's best. I have begun praying daily for peace & happiness for my man with or without me, that he is given the strength to live up to the potential of God's plan for him. It hurts to know it may not include me. But I truly love him & want him to have every blessing God has in store for him.

 

[Powder]

Sounds like you need closure on the past relationship before moving on with confidence.


What is at the bottom of feeling like making it all about the woman's body (looks) and sex, and ignoring your personal needs?

Do you have a psychiatrist for diagnosis evaluation and have you shared what's truly bothering you?

 

[sonicwhite]

I'm just now getting a therapist and the Prozac is taking a lot of the depression away already. Yay! I'm so thankful for this. We went thru a number of medication to try to help the depression and none worked. This one I'm on day three and already feel more confidence in myself and things don't seem so bleak.


Yes I need closure from my past relationship but also I don't need to find someone to feel that hole. It just won't work that way. It's been eleven years since it and I know I'm getting better.


I think with my mind now. I realize what my needs are as well as a woman's. So I'm improving a lot.

 

[Sideways]

When you meet a woman for the first time, before she opens her mouth, your brain is already taking in information about what she looks like, how she maintains herself, her body language, etc. There's lots of information you're receiving that your brain is processing, so it's natural that, even without speaking, your brain is going to have some concept already about whether this person is 'attractive' to you. And it's not just looks, mostly it's body language. That's a normal and healthy process, and not a bad thing.

The important thing is make sure you allow yourself to go deeper with people that you meet. Talk to them. Give your brain more information to help with your assessment about the person - the assessment you initially made may change. Again, that's normal.

Having an idea in your head about what a healthy relationship looks like, for you, is a good thing. Whether it comes from your faith, or values you've learned through your life - it doesn't matter much where your idea of a "healthy relationship" comes from. So long as the fundamentals are mutual respect, caring and love - whatever foundation you're using to fix that in your mind as what you want, that's a good thing.

There's not a lot of point pretending that first impressions (looks and body language) don't count, because that's the first piece of information you get about any new person you meet. It's the ability to look beyond that, and keep good on your decision about only settling for "healthy relationships" from now on, that's going to bring you a strong and fulfilling partnership.

I'm not a God person, but I can respect the role that God would play in helping you decide what a healthy relationship looks like for you. And I can tell you that whatever you've done in your past that you're not happy with, if you use it to learn from it and improve yourself, your self-esteem, and the quality of your future relationships, then it serves a purpose and there's no need to beat yourself up over it.

We all make mistakes and bad choices - the people that can learn and grow from those mistakes are the ones that get ahead, and get happy:)

 

[EveHarrington]

Why give up? Why not simply postpone it for now? Focus on your own healing for now and it will be easier later to find the right lady for you. I know you've been dealing with a lot lately so perhaps right now isn't the greatest time to start a relationship, right?