I Need To Remind Myself...

[ghost]

I need to remind myself that...

- I am disinhibited due to brain damage, and that the things that may seem appropriate for me to say or do; may not actually be appropriate.

- I am noticeably unwell, and that some people are actually repulsed by my condition.

- just because strangers are pleasant towards me, it does not necessarily mean that they like me; but possibly that they recognise that I am mentally ill, and are attempting to be 'nice'.

- now, when I notice women looking at me, it is not because they are attracted to me, but more likely because they have noticed that something is wrong with me.

- my thinking is not always true - it does not always reflect a realistic appraisal of the situation - what I perceive a situation to be, is possibly quite different to how other (mentally healthy) people might perceive it.

- I need to be temperate and congenial, and not express my rage; devastation; or terror to those who know me; because I cannot afford to lose anymore people from my life.

- people will judge me, and possibly alienate me if I expose too much of myself - even people who have had their own taste of mental illness.

- the people around me, my family; my friends; acquaintances, have no concept of what I am living with (or dying with). They have never experienced, and will likely never experience such severity of emotion.

- if I want respect, I need to conceal my condition.

- if I want friendship, I need to lose all expectations of my friends.

- while I think that I look normal, some people can tell just by looking at me that there is something wrong with me.

- while I think that I am being 'normal', some people tell within a short time of meeting me that there is something wrong with me.

- it can be uncomfortable and emotionally draining for people to be close to me. It can even place them at risk of spiralling down.

- even though I think that I am at the lowest emotional point possible, that it is still possible through alcohol, drugs, sex, conflict, rejection, and physical injury to drop further.


...I need to remind myself of these things, because I am already so destroyed, that if I am not careful, there will soon be nothing left.

 

[Deleted member 541]

While I agree with some,(very few) of the things that you stated.......I want to point out that most of them are negative, and that they only reinforce what you think/feel about yourself.

Yes, we are a bit different, in what we say, do, act, and how we react. But in no way should we continually point this out to ourselves. Instead, we should be pointing out our good qualities, the things that we admire about ourselves, We should always strive to heal ourselves, and to be accepting that not everyone is perfect...

 

[Grainne]

I'm not one to talk...not by a long shot, as I sometimes talk myself down like this too, but your view of yourself right now seems very bleak indeed. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way - I know it's not an easy place to rise from again.

Today, I'm not feeling wonderful myself but, I managed to get out of bed (it was iffy for a few minutes there), get my son and I ready for the day, got out the door and eventually arrived at work. I don't think today will be a very productive day, as I'm very preoccupied in my own head, but I'm trying to celebrate the smaller victory of actually making it here. lol...sounds silly, I know...but somedays, it's all I have to keep me going.

Find one tiny victory in your day, if you can. Things can look a bit better if you change your perspective just a little bit every day.

Best of luck xo
Grainne

 

[NarcSis]

Can u say CBT? I too have many of these thoughts (minus the 'brain damage' appraisal) and I struggle with them every day. Every cloud, despite its silver lining has a piece that is in shadow. We are allowed to be in shadow at times, as is every 'normal' person.
It is a long and difficult journey to regain a positive outlook but it is well worth the effort.
Keep reinforcing the positive, ghost.

 

[helena]

Hi Ghost,

I had to respond to you because you sound in so much despair and my heart goes out to you.

I don't know what the cause of your brain damage and trauma was and I understand how difficult it can be to open up and share something which has caused you so much pain. But, there are so many people on this site who would listen to you and talk to you be that by pm or chat... you don't have to isolate yourself when you feel this bad.

Please reach out and don't try to fight this on your own.

 

[Manic11]

I'd like to echo Helena.

I understand that its hard to trust others. A lot (if not most) of us understand that but this is why the forum is here. We're here to help one another. Like Helena said, don't go it alone when you're feeling this way. We accept you for who you are and want to help in anyway we can. That goes for everyone.

Make a new list with all positive things because those truly are the things you need to remind yourself.

Take care of yourself and do something nice for yourself.
Manic

 

[tryintobreathe]

"while I think that I am being 'normal', some people tell within a short time of meeting me that there is something wrong with me."

As my middle son says..."why be Norman?"

Jen

 

[NarcSis]

I like that Jen, your son has it down pat!

"Normal" is someone else's appraisal not your own. You are normal for you.

I have to remind myself of this all the time - I don't act like my sister, or my friends, or my hairdresser or my coworker or the girl at the cash - I act like me and my behaviour is normal for me!

I don't want to be 'Norman' either!

Fight back!

 

[suzie q]

Hey Ghost...

I think I hear you trying to reach a level of acceptance with what you are dealing with. I don't understand the need to read others mind and actions to make sense of how you think they see you. Have you ever asked? Please don't take that statement as judgmental or hurtful, I'm just speaking my reaction to your post.

For me, it was always less confusing (why I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin when I thought people were thinking of me or staring at me.) to assume the worst. How I saw myself is what others saw in me. If I was negative or down, people of that "persuasion" flocked to me.

It took me some time to understand a couple of phrases that were told to me over the years of therapy. 1) Just remember, you are different just like everyone else. 2)It's none of my business what others think or say of me.

Those two statements have helped me through a lot of unnecessary anxiety aboutme. Whenever I felt "different", I had to balance that negative with a positive. I know it sounds "cheeky and corny", but some of those things worked for me!

You are somebody good and no different than you want to be. I hear you reaching out...that is super positive.!! :thumbs-up

 

[clare]

Hi Ghost,

I don't know if your in any place to get this but I am. I'm having a god awful day and everything you guys wrote just helped pull me out of the mud a little. Hope it helps you too Ghost.

Thanks everyone!

 

[ghost]

What can I say...?

...had a rough weekend

...slapped in the face with the reality that people do not see me the way that they used to

...wanted to share

...thanks for the audience.

 

[Lionheart]

Ghost, I used to think of myself as what was left over after most of me had been destroyed, but I eventually learned that this was not true! Sometimes trauma covers over our inner self and it's beauty, with low self esteem, shame, pain, sadness, rage, etc. The deepest part of myself was hidden under a ton of garbage that other people had dumped on me when I was a child. I like to remember that I am a normal person having a normal reaction to abnormal life situations. Hope this helps you in some way.