I Need To Say This.

[Raven]

It's bursting at the f*cking seams because I'm drunk, as usual.

I couldn't just shut down. When others could just stuff their feelings deep down inside indefinitely, I could only find the strength to do so until I had a moment to let myself feel. I never developed my emotional shields. Or maybe everyone has them but mine failed me when I needed them.

I feel a lot. I wear my heart on my sleeve about certain things. I still cry by myself about other things.

I just got done hanging out with some acquaintances and I feel... like a pussy for being so bothered and disturbed by it all. They struck me as callous.

One of them sensed my unease. He sat with me a while. I explained that I became an Army medic but now I possess no interest in the medical field. I kept repeating the same phrase:

I was just a kid.

/Okay, I'm done being an emotional girl. I'm not even kidding. I blame my gender for my pesky feelings.

 

[combatgoldfish]

I wish I had more emotions than angry. I'm jealous in a way with you and your feelings.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Raven

The only thing that I'd disagree with you about is that you blame your gender for your feelings. Be glad you have feelings, although at this point you may feel like you wish you didn't.

People who haven't been where you have, done what you have and felt what you have will be making judgement calls about you and those things for the rest of your life. I say this as it's what I've experienced in my own. You know men aren't supposed to have feelings, which is a total crock of shit. Men have just been put in this 'mold' to appear like they don't. Why do you think men are always so angry? Because it's easier to be angry than to feel sorrow. I've know people who are totally bereft of emotions, I pity them.

I'm sorry you're having a bad time. You have my numbers if you ever want to talk.

Jar

 

[reddevil1111]

Pain is just that Raven. You can drink and try to forget. I sure gave it a shot. I can tell you this: its endless. It does nothing to help you face the core problems. And its noting to do with being a woman or a man. I have noticed you talk a lot like your in a male dominated environment. I am not saying that's all bad but you don't have to be tough all the time you know.

Your feelings are keys to helping resolve the core issues your facing. Its like a street map leading you to treasure. Most of us have to talk to someone else for years to realize what you already have. That's a huge bonus for discovering how to cope with your stressors.

If you are talking to a therapist you might mention the feelings your dealing with. Maybe you can explore and find some answers to the mess of PTSD.

We were all kids. I joined the corps 3 days after my 17th birthday. Don't lose the time you have now. Its all a gift.

I am concerned about the drinking. You have to know it only leads to more unhappiness. My heart goes out to you. I know its not easy. Try to stay strong. Semper Fi.

 

[CAFTT0607]

Raven,

Thank you for your honesty. Many of us are in the same boat, with the same emotional sensitivities. Hang in there, girl.

 

[OldDoorGunner]

I am just starting to get some of my emotions back. Raven you said "I still cry by myself about other things". I would hope this is a good thing for you, to get it out. I wish I could, but I can not cry, it's been a lot of years.......Maybe one day???
I am glad you can......

 

[JarHed]

Here's a short story of an experience I had last saturday. A friend of mine's father passed away and the service and funeral was last week. He was 91, an Air Force Vet, lived a good life, was a super nice guy.

I hate funerals but went to support my friend who been there for both me and my wife at times when no one else has. Guess it runs in the family, she's a great person as well.

The service was short and then we joined the motorcade to the cemetery. Due to the weather they decided to have the last prayers at the mausoleum rather than outside. Not knowing or realizing it his friends from a local Air Base Museum that he'd been a part of got him a Military Honor Guard for his send off. The prayers were said and the Airmen folded the flag and presented it to my friend. My wife was crying and I know why, not for him specifically but for all the other soldiers that we've known and see so much about in the news. I held her hand as we sat there, now I was thinking about that as well. From the back of the room which was quiet now came the sound of a bugle playing Taps. I lost it, tears just streamed down my face. Not so much for the deceased but for all the men that I've known and also the ones that I see everyday that are lost over seas.

I was not bothered by how I felt or how I expressed it at that time. There was a time when I couldn't have done that even if I tried. So the emotions are in there maybe you just need the have the right 'day' for them come out. And if they are be glad that you have them.

Jar

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Raven, the reason they seem callous to you is, simply, you have death with reality at a level that they can only imagine.

I explained that I became an Army medic but now I possess no interest in the medical field.

You have seen, smelled and witnessed shit that they only see on TV. Your entitled to be emotional - YOU EARNED IT! What you describe to me is a woman able to feel - there is nothing wrong with that. I only wish I could feel something other that apathy, fear and anger (not necessarily in that order). I have brief glimpses of it at funerals and the like but I still feel that it is a sign of weakness that I'm uncomfortable with.

I was just a kid.

That is where we left or emotions and picked up this "Harden the f*ck-up" stuff that leaves is in an emotional waste land today.

If I could get drunk without ending up in the local jail I might enjoy a crying jag. Na, I'd leave too many other people crying then.

Ba

 

[Sarg]

I got the getting drunk and landing in jail idea figured out. Get drunk in jail!!!! Go in, give them all your valuables, your belt and shoe laces, then lock you up with a kegger! You can whoop, hollar and swing from the ceiling and have a good old time, the city saves money having not tracked you down, it's a win-win for everybody.

Tongue planted firmly in cheek!

Sarg

 

[Wagon]

Its called FEMA Camp Sarg. You get a chip implant and a t-shirt at the end.

Stay away from the juice. Just fuel for the beast, the SOB.

 

[Sarg]

Naw, it's just a one-way trip to the showers at the FEMA camps.

Sarg

 

[Spock]

You're brave Raven, keep moving forward one step at a time