Sufferer I Need To Tell My Psychologist I Was Molested

[BreeSedgwick]

I came to this forum because I need some advice. I'm 20 and diagnosed with BPD, severe depression and anxiety. I recently saw a psychosis team because I developed psychotic symptoms, the doctor said they developed from chronic insomnia. I'm always on sleeping pills because of insomnia and I get a lot of nightmares.

I recently started seeing a Psychologist and I get on with her extremely well. And I want to tell her that I got molested when I was 6 which I have never told anyone about before. But I'm extremely discouraged because earlier I asked a question on Yahoo answers and I got a very rude response.
This memory did not just reappear years later, I always had it. I didn't realises it was molestation until I was 17. But the rude response I got was because I don't recall who molested me, and the person accused me of making this up or protecting the person.


Basically what I came here to ask is, is it normal to not remember who molested you? I know it was an older man but I can't can't see his face. The memory is very vague and short. I also can't identify where it happened. I mean, it's not like I was raped and put through physical pain and I'm going to remember it vividly, I was was inappropriately touched but obviously I didn't know it was wrong at the time and wasn't threatened.

But I started get molestation nightmares at 14, and still get them regularly now. I'm supposed to tell my Psychologist in 2 weeks, but I'm worried now she will think I'm making it up because I don't know who did it. Everyone who posts online about similar experiences knows who did it, I feel pretty alone about all this.. Is it common for people to forget who molested them? I'm so scared about telling my psychologist but I really want to tell her..

 

[Suzetig]

It's entirely possible your mind has blocked out everything that happened, including the identity of the person who harmed you. It's the way we protect ourselves against things we can't cope with. You may find that as you progress in therapy you'll remember more about what happened, but you may not and that's ok too.

You say you need to tell your psychologist in 2 weeks time - I'm wondering what the hurry is. It's your life and your trauma, you can decide what to tell and when - take it at your own pace, you might not be ready in two weeks or months or years or you might be ready to tell right now but you get to decide.

 

[BreeSedgwick]

@Suzetig I'm from England and our healthcare system is different here. I'm not in therapy, I see a psychologist. We don't get to choose over here, the psychiatrist works out the best plan. I didn't say I "need" to tell her in 2 weeks, I said I'm supposed to - there's a big difference. What I mean is for the last year the memory has really been affecting me. And in the last two months I have come to the decision to tell my Psychologist because I really trust her. I don't want people telling my I'm not ready, I know myself I am very ready to tell her. But the reason stated in my post is why I discouraged because I have been accused of lying.

 

[Suzetig]

I'm in the UK too so have some knowledge of the healthcare system. I'm sorry I misread you, I thought you were feeling under pressure to tell her but I hear that's not the case. It wasn't my intention to tell you you weren't ready which is why I said "you get to decide".

In terms of her believing you, she should be experienced enough to know there's a good chance you won't remember all the details of what happened and I'd hope she would support you with what you were disclosing.

 

[BreeSedgwick]

@Suzetig it's okay and thanks. I see her in 2 weeks and feel ready to tell her, I was just a bit discouraged after a rude response earlier today, which is why I came here.

 

[Suzetig]

Makes perfect sense, this is a good place to check things out and get support - I see this is your first thread, welcome to the forum :-)

 

[shimmerz]

People on Yahoo (or the general public) are idiots about this stuff. You don't need to worry if people believe you hear. There is a link to a thread that was just posted on the 'recovered memory' issue, if that is anything that interests you at all that I will link to.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/recovered-memory-vs-false-memory.52454/

It talks about the attitudes out there about recovered memories and what some of the people here think about it. It is a hot political topic this recovered memory thing. I hope it helps you Bree.

 

[BreeSedgwick]

@shimmerz Thanks for the link, but I did not recover this memory at all. I grew up with this memory, it's not something I ever forgot. It's when I was 16 I suddenly realised that I actually was molested. Growing up I didn't know what happened to me was wrong, obviously as I got older I became aware that what happened was inappropriate.

My question was, is it possible to not remember important details like who molested me? Because I have never been able to recall who did it, I just know it was an older man..it's hard to explain. In the memory I can see he has white hair but everything else is blurred out.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, and there are some people who talk about just that in the link to that post. I think the people who dissed you out may have thought you were referring to a recovered memory - but I am just guessing based on what you are saying in this post. Most of us well know the responses we get to having horrifying memories. People (some) of the general public get very defensive. It is never helpful.

 

[Kintsugi]

I think this is entirely normal. I knew that my abuser had at least five accomplices, which I later learned (from my primary abuser) was around a dozen other boys. I could only identify one of them, but I knew there were at least five from a memory I have always had, but the other four are just vague people-shaped blurs, and I have no idea who was involved in the dozen my abuser says were involved other than some guesses.

 

[Rumors]

Mine was more like a movie that played in my head, like Star Wars, and I thought I was just sick for having weird thoughts and dreams even though down deep I always knew it was my story ???? How weird is that and unbelievable? I was 4. I think early age trauma can manifest itself any way that the child can learn to survive carrying that burden. As we know, it can be in denial as well.
Very sorry this happened to you at such a young age. For what it is worth, I believe you. Hang in there.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi.
I am in the UK also.

If you think it might be difficult to tell your therapist (or psychologist, or psychiatrist or CPN- it's all the same - the person who is helping you) then print out your opening post from here and hand that over. It is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. I have done it myself when I could not find the words.

Your T will not judge you, nor consider that you are making it up. They will be supportive and helpful and help you find the right path to recovery.

I have been seeing my T (CPN) for 5 years now - entirely on the NHS and he has been wonderful. I was sexually abused from age 7 - 14years, so I understand how memories can be muddled and confused. So will your T. Please don't fear your next session. Opening up will be the beginning of your recovery.