I Need Your Help With My Signifcant Other. The Quandary That Tortures Me.

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Thank you @scout86 for listening and responding.:happy::hug:

I think you are correct.

 

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Update:

As you'll recall, I put myself back in Therapy.

I negotiated a significant reduction in cost with my T.:wideeyed::happy:
I am VERY proud of myself:smug::smug::smug::smug:
Normally, I would be too afraid to raise that as an issue and would suffer in silence, paying far more than I actually could afford.
But I did it!!!!:smug:
I told her the truth, confidently, no fawning, no guilt, some fear....but I did it anyway.
It feels SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good.

My T. is the kind of T. I have always needed and never had.
I have HOPE:wideeyed::wideeyed::wideeyed::wideeyed::wideeyed:....and trust me, that never happens:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

Life has rewarded my courage to ACT. I am grateful.

 

[void]

Update: I have never been more sure. I see the exit before me.

I think I can resolve this quandary by being be true to my self for the first time. Being what someone else wants me to be instead of being my true self, has had many painful consequences. I can face this. I can be me. Facing the truth is soooo hard.

I so badly wish I could prevent this all from hurting her.:nailbiting::cry:
I don't know how to keep it at a minimum but I will try.
It will hurt me too, but not as much as I have already suffered these many years.

If any of you have any advice on how I can spare her from some of the pain, please let me know.

Thanks for listening:notworthy:

 

[scout86]

If any of you have any advice on how I can spare her from some of the pain, please let me know.

There probably isn't a way. I think all we can do is be responsible for ourselves.

What are your reasons for worrying about causing her pain? (I'm not saying that's a bad thing!) Explore your reasons a little and maybe it would help.

With my ex, I pointed out that neither of us were happy. (I KNEW I wasn't and he'd SAID he wasn't.) I pointed out that he'd said he was unable to change. I put splitting up as being an opportunity for both of us to move on to something better. I also accepted that this was probably not going to have a fairy tale ending. I was sure of my decision, but I was equally sure he was going to try to change my mind. He was a narcissist at least, maybe a little beyond that. He knew how to manipulate me (make me feel guilty, in other words). So, I set it up so I had someplace to go that night. If I'd had to stay in the house, I suspect things would have turned out differently. (It crossed my mind that he might hurt himself, but I decided that he liked himself WAY too much for that to be an actual risk.)

Good luck with this! Maybe someone else will have some better ideas for you.

 

[Stickler]

...Marriage ( and long relationships ) challenge us to grow, push us to become better. Not changing may not feel like a choice for a partner...but it is a choice.
If our significant others are crushing us like outgrown shoes because they refuse to change? They are choosing to prioritize their own old patterns over our happiness.

I very much doubt that most of us walk away lightly.

I think making it as clean a cut as possible...going no contact as much as you reasonably can? That's best. She does not need to see you, see your stuff, hear from you, et cetera.

 

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@scout86 and @Stickler

both great comments...thank you!

one of us would have to move out...will take many:nailbiting: days to do...even the arranging... let alone the packing and dividing, etc....:wideeyed::nailbiting::tdown:
we would be together during ALL of that!!!
YIKES!!

no one to help at all.


should be fun...sarc/

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You can get through this. Endings are often difficult, especially with someone who does not accept us as we are. There is going to be hurt feelings on both sides I think. The transition will take as long as it takes but I personally think that you deserve to be loved and accepted for who you really are. Be true to you, and I hope that it can be as painless as possible for you.

 

[void]

You can get through this. Endings are often difficult, especially with someone who does not accept us as w...

Thank you @gizmo
It will hurt us both, no doubt.
I wish it were not so.
If I could take all of it I would.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Please try to remember that you are only responsible for you. You must love her so very much.

 

[void]

Please try to remember that you are only responsible for you. You must love her so very much.

I struggle with that.
I know deep pain, I don't want her to feel that.:cry:
I will face the fact(dreading same) that I cannot shield her from reality.
I simply cannot prevent her suffering:cry:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have learned painfully and costly lessons in my life that we cannot protect another from reality happening to them. I have learned and am still learning that lesson.

 

[scout86]

It will hurt us both, no doubt.

I don't know your partner, so you might be right about this. But, other people don't necessarily feel the way we think they do. For a start, it sounds like neither of you is totally happy with the relationship. You having the courage to face that gives both of you the chance to move on and find something better.

My ex was extravagantly grief stricken, at first. Said he "didn't want to live without me" etc. (He also said he wouldn't let me go and then that he'd stalk me.... :rolleyes:) A week later, it was all my fault and he was spreading crazy stories to explain the end of the marriage. About a year later, he was remarried. What I came to understand with HIM (not saying it's this way with YOUR partner), but what I came to understand with him was that the whole relationship was about him all along. HE was grief stricken be HE wasn't getting things his way, for pretty much the first time in the relationship. People like that bounce back pretty fast because they don't experience any guilt and the "grief" they feel is mostly about not getting their way.

Actually, now that I think about it, the longest term relationship I've been in since the marriage was one I ended too. Long story & I'll try to do the condensed version. We worked at the same ranch, which went out of business so we all need to relocate. "We" came up with a plan, that he was more enthused about than I was, but I was ok with it. When the day came to move, he couldn't make up his mind and decided to back out. And then not back out...... And then we moved and he was in & out of here every couple weeks for several months. I didn't want to leave him with no place to go and I didn't want to be the bad guy and be the one to end things. But he was clearly not ok with moving 1000 miles from the place he grew up. Finally, he asked if he could come back and I said "No". Told him he was driving me nuts, needed to make a decision and get on with his life. He could live anywhere he wanted, but he couldn't live with me. If he wanted to move back HERE, he was going to have to find his own place, at least until he knew what he wanted. He stayed where he was and was married to someone else in less than a year.

Again, I'm not making predictions, just saying it's easy to assume that other people feel and respond like we do and that's not always true.

Oh......... Because we had a farm and I didn't trust him to take care of the livestock and it took awhile to sort out who got what, my ex & I lived in the same house for 5 months. Obviously we both survived, but I wouldn't recommend it if you can avoid it. I know other people who've had similar situations too. It helps if you have different schedules and a big house!