I never thought i'd be here

[Punky143]

It's bad. Constantly living in both the past and present is exhausting and the loneliness at times is unbearable. Lately I've been trying to find some meaning to find a reason to continue. I honestly don't know how others do it. I'm trying to learn how to organize my parts so it's a little less chaotic in my head. The dissociation takes me away more often then not and it makes me sad knowing I'm missing out on my girl. I know from experience and it's sad. And feeds an entire parts dislike towards my T. My body has taken a toll and although my mind races physically I have nothing to give. I feel invisible and robotic knowing days are going by but little concept of how fast. And I have an upward battle to go...if I make it

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk what to say @Punky143 , because I never thought I'd be here either.

But to your little girl especially I am sure you are the world and she'd want no other mom. Do the best you can, as you are, that's all we can ask of ourselves. And try to seek out help if you can't bear it.

:hug:

 

[Chem Lady]

Do we all start by feeling this way? And do we not all feel this way from time to time when things get bad? Maybe. I know I did. I don't have parts. But I remember how difficult it was just to be alive for the first two and a half years as I fought to get properly diagnosed and just had to live with the insane symptoms moment by moment. I couldn't imagine ever finding my way out of that awful dream-like horror. But I did. One step at a time. I still struggle with understanding what I can possibly contribute to this world now that I'm no longer the person I was, but this highly restricted, non-social, impatient human being. Just keep stepping forward! We'll be here to listen and care as you fight through a very tough time.

 

[Punky143]

What adds to everything is no one knows I have DID and I will never admit it. The stigma is real and can never be untold. I also have BPD so I trust little to no one because people have left no matter how much they say they love me. And every so often some parts get the feeling that we're burning out my T and then she'll leave. 10 years of it and her reassurance she will not quit. I feel safe in her office but thats two hours a week and it can be tough in between