Sexual Assault I Outed My Rapist To His Parents

[racheldiane]

I was at the gym today and got a snapchat from my rapist. I haven't talked to him in over a year and was really triggered and confused seeing his face again. In a disassociative episode I went to his house to confront him. When I got close, I called a friend and told him what was going on, and to call the police if he hadn't heard from me in an hour (I didn't know what was gonna happen). I went up and knocked. his father answered the door and invited me in (he seemed kinda suspicious outright, I'm not sure why). I asked if I could talk to Bryan, and he asked if he was expecting me and I said no. He asked how I got the address and I said "from the police report." He was confused and asked where I knew him from. I paused, and just said it. "He raped me." I didn't go over there with the intentions of doing anything like that. I don't even really know why I went over there. My rapist's mother and father were in the room. She didn't say anything but he told me to leave and seemed angry. So I got up and left in a haze. It was all very surreal and now I'm having second thoughts. I'm feeling like I might have just accused a totally innocent guy (the detective told me it was him, and he was suspect in a few other rape cases but I was drugged so I don't remember. I KNOW it was him, I just am having second thoughts now that I actually did something). I know he raped me, but it feels like a lot to actually say that to his parents without any concrete proof. At the same time, I think that's just my PTSD doubting me (every other person around me knows it was him based on the evidence there was). I'm feeling like an asshole because I never wanted his family to know, I know that in theory he's a rapist and everyone should know that but in practice I just don't want anyone else to get hurt any more. I left and now I'm at home, I wrote a letter and sent it in the mail to them (his parents). Here is what I said.


Dear Mr. and Ms. <last name>,

This is Emily <last name>, the girl who visited your home today.
I’ve thought about confronting Bryan for a long time now, and I’m sorry that when I finally did I dropped so much heartache on you and your family. That wasn’t how I imagined it would happen, and I never actually intended to tell you what happened to me. I’m sure that I’ve caused a lot of pain for you two, and all this time that was the exact opposite of how I wanted this to turn out. Bryan contacted me for the first time in over a year and I was so confused and triggered by the snapchat he sent me and seeing his face again. I was in such shock when I talked to you two, and the words just kind of fell out of my mouth. I’m sorry you had to hear such a thing about your son, I know it must be hard.
I hope that if any good comes out of this it is that Bryan receives help for his illness. I hope this encounter will prevent other women from suffering the way I have. For the last year and a half, what has tormented me above all else is knowing that I was not the first person to be hurt this way, and that I would probably not be the last. I hope that now he is able to receive some sort of aid for his illness, and at the very least someone will be there to look over his shoulder, and hopefully he will feel like he can’t get away with it any more.
Again, I am sorry that it happened this way. I do not want to put the burden on you two to deal with your son’s choices, and I hope to God that you two do not feel responsible for them. His decisions are his own, and if he may never face justice for them, I take solace in the fact that somebody close to him knows and may be able to intervene.
I am sorry for my outburst. This was honestly not how I wanted any of this to happen.

Sincerely,
Emily

I tried to write it as honestly as I could. I didn't actually 'outburst' at them at all, but I wrote it that way because I'm hoping it makes me sound more sorry. I honestly feel really bad but I'm also hoping that because someone close to him knows now, they'll be able to do something about it. I don't know.
I attached the phone number of the detective who worked on my case. I don't know how much she is allowed to tell them and I know she's probably going to think I'm stupid and rash for doing this. I called and left her a voicemail to give her a heads up. This is probably going to be a huge headache for her.
I feel really odd now, like I finally got closure but at the same time I'm so skeptical of it. I don't know. I really hope that this is going to prevent it from happening again, otherwise I just caused a bunch of heartache and pain for some innocent people for nothing. I'm just really feeling mixed right now.

 

[Kintsugi]

I don't know what to say except that you handled this better than I ever could have.

 

[Justmehere]

Has he faced any charges yet?

 

[racheldiane]

No. Not for any of the women he raped.

 

[racheldiane]

The most they've been able to get him on is 'giving alcohol to minors,' and a seatbelt ticket.

 

[racheldiane]

The hospitals around here suck. I know two people whose rape kits have gotten f*cked up (not including myself), five people he's raped, six rapists he's done it with . . . nothing. The drug he uses is a research chemical so it doesn't show up on a drug test either.

 

[Justmehere]

I understand your heart behind why you did this, and I think you handled it extremely well for the situation.

However - to you and to anyone in similar shoes: please do not do this again.

Please be extremely careful with this as this could be twisted into witness tampering. I worked for an attorney, and it can become a really serious issue when victims go out on their own and confront abusers that the the police are investigating or trying to build a case against. Victims can end up facing their own legal charges for really simple non-criminal stuff like this. He'd already a rapist. He (and/or his family) could try to accuse you of goodness knows what. He isn't exactly someone of strong moral character prone to tell the truth about his victims.

Please work with the victims advocate and detective. You may have raised red flags to him that they didn't yet want raised so they could build the best case against him. This could lead to a lot more than just a headache for the detective. You could inadvertently tank their case that they may be trying to build through other investigative means.

Please work through law enforcement and the victim advocates with the police an DA's office while they try to build their case against this guy. Please give them the heads up before you confront him again. I would very much suggest telling them that he contacted you - and let them handle it.

Yes, sometimes law enforcement utterly fails - I have had that happen to me in horrible ways. But they are less likely to succeed when people try to go out on their own. I know one woman here who went to jail for taping her rapist when she tried to get him to confess. All he did was get a heads up he was being investigated, got a lawyer to cover his ass, and she got thrown in jail.

Should the cases ever go to trial, every single word you wrote could be ripped apart by a defense attorney. Every word. DA's prepare their victims for testimony for good reasons. Everything you didn't say in the letter but would say later at a trial would have less credibility because now it could be twisted into - "why didn't you put it in your earlier letter?" and so much worse. You could have unintentionally and inadvertently made it harder for the DA to prove the case, maybe only in small ways, maybe not at all - but it is best to not risk it at all.

If he is a serial rapist (and I don't disbelieve you) then he will likely strike again. You giving him the heads up like this may lead to him taking more steps to make it harder for the police to catch him this next time.

I don't think you did anything wrong. I would have wanted to do the very same thing, and so much more.

But I really want you to know that the legal system is so screwed up that it can really be bad for victims - and especially bad when victims start going out on their own to confront the perps. Please be very careful.

 

[racheldiane]

):
Honestly I've completely given up on him spending time for this any time soon. I honestly think that even though it didn't end up how I wanted, this might actually be the best shot at getting him to stop. Hopefully his parents care enough to get him into a program or something. He wouldn't ever go to law enforcement for any reason whatsoever, so I think I'm safe. Man this shit is so stacked against victims . . .

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah, it is really tough on victims. Your intentions were good.

For a serial rapist like him, there are not many interventions, and it is rare for perps to reach out for help. If he is so determined to do it that he is using research drugs so his victims go under the radar, he likely needs to get caught and be monitored as a registered sex offender in order to stop him.

Maybe there is a chance his family will step in and help. Some perps come from homes of dysfunction and abuse themselves, but there are a few that don't. Maybe his parents already wonder about him. It is a very long shot, but it is possible good can come of this.

I'm not so much worried he would go to police, but his parents could get defensive of their son, hire and attorney and well, criminal defense attorney do all kinds of things. The criminal defense attorney I worked for was one of the good ones, but I saw other criminal defense attorneys have a field day with simple stuff like this.

Do save any evidence of the snapchat and send it to the DA. Maybe in some way they know of some way it could help them build their cases against him, and they likely know of ways to keep him away from you.

I wanted my rapist to get help too. He offended again, but he did finally get caught. They were able to go back and use evidence from my statements to police to finally convict him in later cases.

Don't lose hope. Hopefully this guy dies reach his bottom and/or finally screws up enough that he gets caught and/or gets help fast.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through and how the system has failed you too. :hug:

 

[Anarchy]

Wow!
First thing first, I haven't a clue what crap is or isn't admissable in courts in the united state - so I'll stay well out of that.

Ten out of ten for bravery with the aim to confront and with the letter.

Now to you and your safety and recovery from his apalling actions.
Please be aware of ownership of actions - you cannot keep others safe, you can only aim to keep yourself safe. Any future offending is his action and his alone - no blame or guilt can ever attach to you for that. He's a pathetic piece of sh!t with so little self confidence and charisma, and such a dysfunctional sense of entitlement, that he feels he needs to drug good looking women - because they'd never willingly consent to do it with such a looser.

Engagement in or with the statist legal system is your choice to take or leave. My rants about their monopoly status, whom they answer to and how they are funded and the incentives which those facts result in, are else where.

The important bit is how any engagement in that system affects your recovery of those parts your pre trauma self that you deserve to have back.

Obviously, stopping him from contacting you, and disrupting your life and rebuilt social network is a major part of your safety and recovery - but, what means are available for possibly achieving that - and what are the likely costs to you of each of those means?

every action has a cost - even if the cost is just what else you could have done with the time but didn't.

Hoping for legal retribution is one of the variants of vengence fantasies - they don't do much good - none of us is going to catch him some dark night and cut his bits off (only an example - I'm not suggesting that you think that way), and thinking about things like that gives our inner critics ammunition to tell us that we're not very nice people, and so don't deserve nice things.... rinse and repeat.

and while we're thinking about retribution - legal or otherwise, we're reminding ourselves of the perp, and making them even more powerful and untouchable in our minds, and ourselves weaker - because we're not going to do it, and we wouldn't forgive ourselves if we did. Don't beat yourself up over thinking about it - In an ideal world, I too would like to see his trace element deficeincies* corrected. Aknowledge the thoughts and let them slip away of their own accord.

and the other cost, we're not getting on with reducing the impact which the trauma memories have on us, and we're not rebuilding our lives and social connections.

Big hug if you'll have it :hug:

------------------------------------------------
*Lead, with or without additional theraputic quantities of copper

 

[Anarchy]

I'd better add, the other, much publicized, and unfortunately equally futile end of vengence fantasies are the forgiveness fantasies.

It seems there's no fast way to make things "right" and actual healing looks something like bored indifference.

 

[WillyKat]

You're very brave. I'm honored to make your (virtual) acquaintance.

You can analyze this till cows grow from trees you know. The fact is that you've, as you say, outed him. The details of how you did this don't matter so much, but when I read your post, I noticed a few of things:

• You f*ing outed him to his parents!
• Your letter was heartfelt and exceptionally diplomatic.
• You emerged as the upstanding one, the one that has their shit together.

Congratulations!

I recommend chocolate.