General I Realize I Have My Issues Too.

[Sandi79]

I came to this site trying to help my boyfriend who has combat PTSD.

Through this process, I realize I have my issues too. I have a past that I have run from, and been running from for a long time. I never dealt with it, never told anyone the things that happened and I know now that it is the cause of a lot of my problems.

This is a big step for me. Admitting that I need to face my past, my issues and get help for me

 

[SeanCharles]

You're on the right track Sandi. :)

 

[Overcast]

Thank you for opening up to your issues and seeing your need for help. I want to encourage you to use the articles to learn how to understand your areas for help. You Are on the right track to help yourself recover by being honest.

 

[bell]

@Sandi79,I know the feeling, as I came here once looking for answers about someone else, which led to a strange odyssey of eventually realizing that I had PTSD myself. Admitting that you need to face your past, is a giant step, and one that you should be proud of, as it is far from easy. Even though I know it's painful, well done you.

 

[macca]

Well done. It's never easy to see our own stuff, because we're often so trapped in it and blind to it. It's a very big step you've made, great work!

 

[Abstract]

Well done Sandi. That is a big step.

The next step will be finding a t of your own.

 

[Sandi79]

Yes.
He and I talked last night in person. I told him that for myself, I need to find a therapist, that I have things I need to deal with and when I'm ready to tell him, if I ever am, I will.

 

[Sandi79]

Just some small sharing:

Many years ago, my ex husband and I (when we were married), hit a rough patch and separated. We got back together and I found out I was pregnant. No one we knew accepted that we had gotten back together. So I secluded myself from everyone. I didn't work, I didn';t talk to anyone, not even my family. I would only go to the grocery store, and that was every two weeks.

My ex husband worried about me, told me I was becoming a hermit and it was not healthy.

Almost 10 years later, I'm still that hermit. I have lost who I am supposed to be. In 2001, I moved to another state alone. I lived alone, I went out, and when I didn't, I had interests. I went running. I had things I did. I was happy being with myself. Somewhere along the way, I stopped doing things. I have no hobbies now. I have no interests. I need to be comfortable being me. I need friends.

 

[Chris516]

Yes.
He and I talked last night in person. I told him that for myself, I need to find a therapist, that I have things I need to deal with and when I'm ready to tell him, if I ever am, I will.

Sandi, This is how I feel about my friend's PTSD. I am not clamoring to know what is the cause of her PTSD. She will tell me, when if she is ready and wants' to.

 

[Sandi79]

I'm sad tonight and I have very little reason to be.

Things are actually great with my boyfriend. I'm in therapy, he's in therapy, we are communicating and getting along great. He said I love you again for the first time since we decided to start fresh. We are happy..

But today my sister posted a photo of her engagement ring on Facebook and I was reminded that this time last year, my boyfriend had picked a date when he wanted us to be married by. And that's all gone now.

It's foolish. I don't even want to be married. I was married twice before. I don't want that.

So why am I crying?

 

[Overcast]

You obviously have reason to celebrate your sisters engagement and it reminded you of how wonderful your relationship was. Then a change in a relationship. I would be all over the place emotionally. Celebrate your sisters happiness and recognize and work for the relationship you desire. Hang in there.

 

[Fembot]

Isn't that the truth. We are so wound up in care giving and paying the bills (effectively, being everything to everyone), that we lose who we were. I RESENT driving by yard sales and flea markets because he doesn't want to do them/gets mad if I am just browsing, I RESENT not going to the theater/musical events because he doesn't want to do them, I RESENT...blah, blah, blah. I married someone who I thought I could do these things with, not have to do these things by myself. I need a gay travel buddy!

I literally left the house early one morning and drove HOURS away, to somewhere I had NEVER been before, and went on a guided 2+ tour, and came back that night without his arse because I was so sick of the years of stagnation when dealing with PTSD. But if I leave him, what does that say about me? Didn't I promise in sickness and in health? I just feel like we are little more than roommates these past few years and just wish this long, dark tunnel would end...even if the pasture is not as green as pre PTSD manifestation at the end of that tunnel...at least all would be out in the light and we could meaningfully rebuild some semblance of a healthy home.