Relationship I Really Hate Him Right Now....

[Dandelion]

We live about an hour apart. Our main communication is by phone. Between work schedules and his constant isolating, we don't talk anywhere near as much as we did pre PTSD. It's a constant struggle to feel connected to him anymore but we've managed to compromise with little things like a phone call on the way home from work. Nothing too long, but an opportunity to catch up at least.

Considering that we used to clear our schedules to have "phone dates" and constantly texted in between, it kills me that just our little 15 minute call sometimes seems to be asking too much of him.

Today, he forgot and left his phone at home so he emailed me and told me that we could talk later after work. I looked forward to it all day, had things I needed to tell him, and made sure I got all of my errands done so I'd have time to talk. Just as I was pulling into my driveway, I get a text saying, "I know you wanted to talk, but I'm struggling to keep my lid open today. Goodnight my love."

I'm sorry, what?!!! He does this and then turns his phone off. I have no idea if he just had a bad day or if he went to therapy or what happened. I get shut out completely at the drop of a hat and I have zero way of contacting him now.

It doesn't matter that I have things I needed to tell him, it doesn't matter that I looked forward to it all day, it doesn't matter that I now get to spend the rest of MY night stressed out, crying, worried, hurt, and sleepless.

I realize that sufferers need space sometimes, but I really don't think it's fair to cut me off without giving me a chance to say anything at all. I needed to at least ask him about something that's going on this weekend that I can't move forward with until I talk to him........but apparently my needs don't matter.

Am I crazy or is this unacceptable?

 

[Tinyflame]

If it's unacceptable to you, it is unacceptable. But it sound like he is trying to be honest with you, itsounds like he can't handle more. He trusts you enough to say it.

 

[Dandelion]

Yes, it's unacceptable to me. It's hard enough to make a long distance relationship work - let alone one with PTSD rearing its ugly head. I'm glad he trusts me, but cutting me off for the entire night on a moment's notice with no regard for my plans or my feelings is not ok. Had he said he needed to cool off and we could at least text later tonight - different story. Completely taking away my ability to speak - infuriating.

 

[nursenurse]

You need to act upon it if you aren't getting what you need, otherwise both you and he are in for a lifetime of heartaches, arguments, isolation and frustrations. He has been honest, give him credit, that is all all of us supporting PTSD folks want is a little honesty, and a little communication. If you can't get that, and you are already this angry, what are (more) kids, mortgages, jobs, commitments, really going to do to a long term relationship?

 

[Dandelion]

nursenurse,

I'm not new to any of this. He and I go way back. I knew who he was before PTSD and my heart aches for that person. PTSD set in about two years ago - although we didn't realize that was the problem at first. My anger right now stems from the fact that he KNOWS how much I hate being spontaneously cut off like this. I've put up with my fair share of being shut out, ignored, disappointed, and utterly confused. All the while, I try to be patient, and find some sort of understanding and leniency. I DO get that honesty and communication are key - but so is respect. I respect that he needs time to decompress right now, but I feel like he didn't respect that I have feelings and needs today too. Again, had he given me the opportunity to ask a simple question or said that we could at least text for a few minutes later tonight, I would've been ok, but cutting me off completely with total disregard for my own matters.....I'm sorry, but that's not ok. Sometimes he treats me like a television that he can just turn off when he doesn't feel like watching it. It'd be great if I did have an off button, but I don't. A little respect and compromise would've been appreciated tonight.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Respect is important in every relationship, PTSD or not. You deserve respect Dandelion.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Yes, it's unacceptable to me.

Then what are you going to do about it? IMHO, actions speak louder than words. No amount of lectures, discussions, complaining, begging, asking, etc... will motivate him to change something that is working for him.

I knew who he was before PTSD and my heart aches for that person.

He's not coming back. I'm sorry. His life has been irreparably changed forever. He may recover enough to manage symptoms and then be able to behave more like he did before, but he'll never be the same. My advice to you is to mourn the loss. Then, look at what you're left with and decide if you want to live that way or not. Can you support him through the recovery period? Is he even trying? How long can you stand it? You need to figure out when enough is enough, for you.

Personally, my dad has always lamented to me in this sad, painful voice "You changed after that..." Like I did something wrong. Of course, that's all a long story... but, it took me a long time to defend myself. OF COURSE I CHANGED! I was traumatized. All my experiences throughout my entire life have changed me. Good and Bad. I needed to be changed in order to learn from what I'd experienced, I didn't get that until I processed the traumas... 25 years later. Then, I stopped trying to be who my dad wanted me to be, and I started to be the person I am now... the person I'd become. Embracing that person, makes me feel whole again.

So, basically... you don't know who you're with anymore, because the man he was is gone; and the new man is lost right now.

Well, that's just the way I see it. I'd recommend counseling to help you accept how this has changed your life, and help you deal with the loss and face the future.

 

[Dandelion]

Honestly, I don't know what to do about it. Part of me wants to just call it quits. It hurts so much and it's been going on for so long now. I have moments where I feel like I'm at my breaking point and I just can't take anymore pain. Then, I'll remember all the happy times or we'll have a few good days and I'll feel motivated to hold on a little longer.

He just started counseling a few weeks ago. Things have been especially horrible since it began. He hates it. He's been bottled up for so long and now he's being forced to let it all out. He's moodier, more unpredictable, and even when I see him in person, he seems distant and uncomfortably tense.

I don't deny that it's a rough road right now. He's extremely shaken by his counseling; meanwhile, I'm trying to navigate my way through all things PTSD and learn what's acceptable vs what's not....what I can hope for, what I need to let go....

I know that if I left, he'd stop going to counseling. I also know that he probably wouldn't fight it because he's in the state of mind that he doesn't deserve me. He agreed to go to counseling because he doesn't want to lose me and he hates what this is doing to me. He knows and admits that there's something wrong with him, but he doesn't understand it and he hates talking about it.

I don't want to give up on him, especially now that he's finally getting help, but I also don't want to be treated like a doormat. I really don't know where to go from here.....

 

[Cult]

I wish I had some constructive advice, but all I can do is tell you that I am exactly where you are. I have accepted that the partner I loved, and came to rely on, for 10 years is gone, just as sure as if she actually died. And in a way she did die. The person I fell in love with, built a life with....no longer exists. And the person who took her place is basically an empty shell at the moment. I do not exist in any functional way to her. Everything is all about her and for the most part, I am on my own now in a way I have not been for a long time. We live together but spend most of our time apart due to her need for space and conflicting work schedules. She does throw me little bones now and then, a quick kiss here and there or an arm around my waist for a minute or two, and I do get ILY a lot, which is wonderful but hardly enough to sustain a healthy adult relationship. I am giving her space and I am willing to be patient and flexible but I know these questions will eventually become relevant to me as well.

 

[rightkindofme]

You need therapy for yourself. You have to do what is right for you and people on the internet will probably be bad at guessing what that is because we don't have a relationship with you. :)

You should not accept being treated badly. Figuring out how to have boundaries is really hard.

 

[Kkdawn]

I have been in this type of a relationship for a while and know all these crazy feelings we go through. The one thing that you have on your side is that he is at least communicating with you. Even though its not what you want, he emailed to tell you he left his phone and sent a text saying he couldn't talk. This at least shows he respects you enough to communicate with you and not just disappear for the day. I have found it helpful sometimes to respond and say "I was really hoping to talk to you cuz I had a lot I wanted to tell you. I hope we can talk tomorrow". That always seems to assure I get a call the next day. I know this is hard and I wish I had some magic solution for both of us. It's an individual decision as to how much you can take. Only you know yourself and your sufferer enough to know.

Best of luck.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I understand more than you can guess what you are going through. I've been with a man for almost 3 years. I knew him when we were teenagers and I remember how sweet and open he was back then. I understand that basically that boy I knew once is no longer around. I adored him. But I love the man he is now. We are long distance.

However, I understand the constant ups and downs, being hurt and pushing it down, being shut out. He used to keep some communication even when he was distancing. But that changed and, without going into too much detail, now I have not heard from him in 16 days. And it's the lack of respect that hurts me. It's the feeling of not being considered as a human being that hurts the most. I checked the hospitals in his area today. After almost 3 years in a relationship, with no real fights or break-ups, or even serious disagreements, I think he's just done with me. I do not know. I do not know what I will do if he comes back into my life. I do not think I can do it anymore.

I don't know if this helps at all, but you are not alone. If you every need to talk, I am here.

Hope things get better for you.