I Really Hope I Can Fast Forward My Life To The Time 10min Before My Death

[blackandwhite2017]

I don't want to kill myself, yet I don't want to live my life if I really have a choice. I don't want to avoid my responsibilities and cause harm to other people because of my suicide, yet I can't this life anymore. I really wish there is a fast forward button somewhere for life.

I don't want to kill myself because killing myself would leave a big mess behind. My mother despite being neglectful will be traumatized if I were to kill myself; my biological father despite being narcissist might be traumatized and might be revengeful towards my mother if I were to kill myself; and as a result of the stresses on my mother and her already abusive current husband, my half brother and step sister who are still children will be even more traumatized if I were to kill myself; and as a result of the further abuse at home, my half brother and step sister might traumatize other children in their schools by bullying if I were to kill myself; ... the list goes on, thus I conclude by killing myself, I would be shifting my pain towards other innocent people, and I don't want that.

Plus if I were to kill myself, I would have to make sure I die clean from debts. But currently I am indebted to Canadian tax payers for the student loans; to my mother for the money to raise me; to my dog for I have not resolved her training issues that are the results of my inconsistency; to my previous cats for I promised their new owners when they were re-homed that if the cats need money for vets anytime in the future, I would help pay for them; and to all the support and patience from all the people who have helped me along the way for not being a useful member of the society and passing along the favour as they have hoped I could.

If I were to kill myself, I would have to make sure I die clean without leaving debts and messes to other people, I just feel way too proud to dump my messes onto others like that, thus I don't want to die. Yet I see absolutely no joy in living, I am in university yet I don't feel young; I used to love computer science yet I no longer feel a passion for it; I have many acquaintances and I finally managed to conquer the social anxiety I once had yet I can't bring myself to trust people and allowing myself to connect with them; I no longer experienced panic attacks and social anxiety yet I just got diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, attachment disorder, PTSD, and major depressive disorder.

My step father is abusive, my biological father is narcissist, and my mother was neglectful though currently wishing to change (sorry but a bit too late for me to trust you again!). I don't trust any of them and I have no other family members that I trust: I have no family. The last friend I have ever had was from when I was 12 years old, I am now only acquaintances to my old friends in childhood because I moved from Asia to North America at the age of 13: I have no friends. I loved math, computer science, and general nerdy stuff while I was in school and that was what supported me to get into a good university, but I am no longer interested in those anymore: I have no personal passions.`I am autistic and highly introverted and because of bullying in middle school very uncomfortable around people, thus all fun party things are out of the windows: I enjoy no social fun.

In conclusion, I have no family nor friends nor personal passions nor social fun, thus I really hope that after I finish this post and go to sleep, I would wake up in the morning and find myself really old and 10min away from dying. I would use those 10min to absorb memory of what I have done in this life and hopefully I have fulfilled all the responsibilities that I want to fulfill, then I would die clean without having to live the life.

I really hope that can happen, I hope there is a fast forward button for life.

 

[Ocin]

If you need these thoughts/aversives to prevent your death, ok.
That said, with ASD plus attachment disorder on your diagnosis list I'd wonder whether the ASD diagnosis is secondary to avoidant insecure attachment, and if so, you may have the potential for a vastly different experience if you can find a therapist who works well with your unique personality. I work regularly with both diagnoses in kids and grownups, hence I feel it might be important to share my thoughts and encourage you to imagine that there might be opportunities and pleasure that you cannot see today due to your experience of abuse, neglect, and social challenges that understandably traumatized you and make you question the point of living. Your brain is not yet fully matured (in terms of pruning that ends in our mid 20's) so you have time on your side to rework the attachment piece. Look for a mentor whose work/drive/personality/hobbies you admire-- this might give you a foothold out of the abyss.
I personally get the impression you are quite thoughtful, yet have been hurt and are struggling to find meaning and connection in your present setting. If achieving these academic goals is only for your family perhaps that is something to wonder about.

 

[Bloomy]

Praying for both of us and everyone else with these thought that we can manage to hheal our lives and make it worth living. Take well care.

 

[ladee]

Anyone with a heart as thoughtful as yours, has purpose.. I really hope you check into what @Ocin shared.... even if the thought of it makes you feel more tired or defeated... please give yourself that chance. And you are the only one I have ever read that had any consideration to what you would be leaving behind..... that takes a powerful amount of love and compassion... whether it feels that way to you or not....You know you would be transferring your pain. And the ripple affect stretches far....

There is no fast forward button... but there is slow and steady movement that changes our lives....things do change... we change.. time has a way of giving us a different perspective on things.... what you wrote is very powerful... yet so full of concern for others.. you have too much love and compassion for it to be wasted....

Your childhood was rotten... so was ours... so know you are not alone... and most of us have been right where you are, but I was never as selfless as you are... I could have cared less what impact it had on others.... but things change... we change...

Thank you for sharing this... I have read many powerful things on this forum... but never such a powerful message of what would be left behind. You have a lot of love in you... hoping you find a way to find some purpose in your life...

 

[blackandwhite2017]

Hi thanks for the replies + encouragements guys:)

I felt particularly down yesterday night and that post was the result of my depression attack (I made that word up!) lol. I hope nobody got triggered by the negative energy, and if there anyone was saddened and triggered by this piece, please accept my apology and I hope you feel better.

If you need these thoughts/aversives to prevent your death, ok...

Yes I am currently in therapy. I contacted a local psychologist (let's call her C) after hitting rock bottom at the end of last year and that psychologist realized I might have Asperger's after our email communication and phone interview thus she referred me to another psychologist (let's call her R) who specialized in treating people with both developmental disabilities and mental illnesses. R seems to be very good with her work and she also works full time at a mental hospital so she is able to provide sliding scale payment option to me so I am able to afford weekly therapy. I guess I really am really lucky --- despite all the traumas I have been put through, there have always been unrelated nice people who are willing and able to help me when I needed it the most.

Achieving these academic goals is not for my family, I want to achieve them because I want them for myself, yet I don't have the motivation to do many work these days... I really hope I can at least regain my motivation. All the social scenes and connections are secondary --- I have never had those when I was in middle/high school yet I still managed somewhat fine, what matters the most to me is my passion. I did well in middle/high school because of my passion for learning and knowledge, and I terribly miss that passion! That is such a central part of my identity.

Anyway, I do believe things will change so will my perspectives, thus I won't die unless I try absolutely everything possible to get better first. I hope I can live to feel that passion for science again. And I hope others in similar situations as mine are able to find/re-claim their passions as well, be it friends, family, or academic passion like mine. All the best to all of us:)