Hi there, I'm bell.
I've been a lurker for quite awhile, not to be creepy, but just as I ease into wrapping my head around having this disorder. I'm still (literally) stunned that other people have the same problems I have, as I spent the first 36 years of my life thinking that there was something excessively wrong with me... And to see that there are so many people like me is a bit overwhelming, to be honest. (But in a really good way!)
Like many people with lives that went awry when they were very small, I have no "before" in my life. I.e., there are no memories that aren't shadowed with PTSD. I'm finding this especially hard to understand as I get better and heal as I have nothing to compare it to. Recently, I realized that I was robbed of the opportunity to give freely to anyone in my life and spent days trying to deconstruct what I was actually feeling. (Feeling is a new thing, too!) Then I felt pathetic and like a child because I couldn't figure out something so elemental to life!
Like many of you here, I also ruin relationships before they have a chance to start, push people away, and have times where all of a sudden my emotions go crazy and I don't know what's happening until it's too late.
I've lost friendships this way over the years, and last month had the meltdown to end all meltdowns (I was taken off a med - that I'm now back on - and it was the 20th anniversary of an assault, which turned me into a hot mess for weeks) and lost the one other person who knew what it was like to live with PTSD. Unlike those that isolate, I play the crazy/overcontact card because it's super effective and keeps people at arm's length. Only in the last few weeks have I realized I keep everyone far away and control how close they get by acting out. Sigh. One more thing to work on in therapy!
So, I'm signing up here to say hello and thank you for sharing your stories. While I may not post much, please know that finally knowing I'm not alone has mended a hole in my heart.
I've been a lurker for quite awhile, not to be creepy, but just as I ease into wrapping my head around having this disorder. I'm still (literally) stunned that other people have the same problems I have, as I spent the first 36 years of my life thinking that there was something excessively wrong with me... And to see that there are so many people like me is a bit overwhelming, to be honest. (But in a really good way!)
Like many people with lives that went awry when they were very small, I have no "before" in my life. I.e., there are no memories that aren't shadowed with PTSD. I'm finding this especially hard to understand as I get better and heal as I have nothing to compare it to. Recently, I realized that I was robbed of the opportunity to give freely to anyone in my life and spent days trying to deconstruct what I was actually feeling. (Feeling is a new thing, too!) Then I felt pathetic and like a child because I couldn't figure out something so elemental to life!
Like many of you here, I also ruin relationships before they have a chance to start, push people away, and have times where all of a sudden my emotions go crazy and I don't know what's happening until it's too late.
I've lost friendships this way over the years, and last month had the meltdown to end all meltdowns (I was taken off a med - that I'm now back on - and it was the 20th anniversary of an assault, which turned me into a hot mess for weeks) and lost the one other person who knew what it was like to live with PTSD. Unlike those that isolate, I play the crazy/overcontact card because it's super effective and keeps people at arm's length. Only in the last few weeks have I realized I keep everyone far away and control how close they get by acting out. Sigh. One more thing to work on in therapy!
So, I'm signing up here to say hello and thank you for sharing your stories. While I may not post much, please know that finally knowing I'm not alone has mended a hole in my heart.
