I Sense A Rift Forming...

[Orglethorp]

Alright, so, I can't go into a whole lot of detail about what happened last night or why it's such a big deal because it's sorority business, but I'll do my best to summarize the situation. A rule common to most sororities involving the conduct of sisters while hosting an event was broken by two of our girls. I'm really feeling apprehensive about how this is going to play out in terms of certain people maintaining friendships once the dust settles.

One girl (let's call her A) is being honest and apologetic, and has a good track record. The other (let's call her B) is throwing accusations, badmouthing everyone else, and threatening to leave but then saying she doesn't want to be kicked out.

A was already a friend of mine outside of sorority life. We're both "older than average" students in the same faculty, gravitating toward the same social circle within the faculty. So far, the other ladies in the sorority want to let her off with a warning, and I'm thrilled, because I don't feel that she deserves a harsh punishment for a first-time offence - especially since she was at least discreet about it. I didn't even know she'd done it, and I was with her most of the night.

B has a long track record of doing stupid things - things that A and I recognize as signs that she needs help - but the others are angry. This is the girl I posted about 2 weeks ago who had made a "suicide attempt" via overdose knowing full well that her drug of choice was not lethal, and then refused medical treatment. Aside from pulling stunts like that (again, I realize that it was a cry for help) and breaking our rules (she's behaved poorly at events before), she also has not been dependable in terms of her duties. Again, I can't elaborate, but let's just say it's been one thing after another.

There's going to be a meeting excluding these two, which I feel terrible about but we've got a majority in favour of it happening. I'm foreseeing A getting a reprimand and a second chance, and B getting asked to leave. I'm worried that A is going to react unfavourably to our decision regarding B, I'm worried that the situation with A and the sorority is going to filter through to relations in our social group outside of the sorority, and I'm worried that B is going to cause a whole lot of trouble on her way out.

I am the president of this sorority, which makes dealing with the fallout of all of this my responsibility along with our vice president (VP). I'm not sure at this point which way VP is going to react. She's a "Momma bear" type character - loving and soft, but cross her and you'll regret it - and I don't know if she'll look at this objectively or not. I'm having trouble figuring out whether or not I'm looking at this situation objectively myself. In dealing with A, I'm worried that if things go badly, I'll feel like I'm being forced to side with one good friend over another, and I hate that. I've made many poor choices over the years because of situations like that. I know it's a hallmark of adults with a history of child abuse to be compulsive peacemakers, and that's certainly how I feel. I'm an excellent suck-up. In terms of the situation with B, I don't feel that I've developed a friendship connection with her, but I deeply empathize with her. Even though I agree with the general consensus that some serious repercussions are in order, I'm worried that I'll be the only one at this meeting worried about the reasons behind her poor choices.

*Sigh* That was longer than I thought it would be. Any advice?

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Hello,

This may constitute odd advice, but might there be a means whereby you could be consistent towards both 'A' and 'B' in line with affording a less-severe reprimand, but at the same time attach some discreet series of conditions or a community service obligation that would in all likelihood 'wash out' party 'B'? In short, 'A' would commit to the terms for carrying considerable good will in, whereas party 'B' would in all likelihood balk, act out - or perhaps gather herself up and honor the terms of what is asked given that you might point at the fact that you'd endeavored to be both even and fair towards each party. In a sense, you would be called upon to be creative enough to devise terms that would cement the respect but also challenge 'B' to pull matters together. Delicate stuff, we know. Kind regards...

M.

 

[Rumors]

I think I might reprimand A like you suggested because she hasn't been in trouble and make B's penalty subject to probation then tell her that she is required to go talk to a school councillor x amount of times about the happenings over the last few weeks. Otherwise, she is out. Then you have offered her the opportunity to recognize her issues and maybe even deal with them while still maintaining the integrity of the sorority rules. Perhaps she will get further help.

Good luck!

 

[rightkindofme]

It would be awfully kind of you to give B a probationary period. If she hasn't been warned that she is on the verge of being kicked out then it isn't fair to escalate that high. That's a big step without warning.

Good luck. That sounds hard.

 

[Orglethorp]

Thanks for the kind words and advice. Unfortunately, B decided to leave the sorority before we could offer her an option at all, and now there are nasty rumours flying about in regards to the manner of her leaving, and it seems that she's started them. A has graciously accepted her minor penalty and has jumped right back into performing as she usually does in the sorority with no issues so far - in fact she's getting us started on a nutrition challenge now that we're headed into final exams.

I have seen or heard from either of them today. I'm not overly surprised or concerned that I haven't seen A, as she rarely attends lectures all 5 days of the week. (She's a master self-teacher - no one's too worried). With B, on the other hand, I find myself compulsively checking to see the last time she logged in to facebook to reassure myself that she hasn't gone and done any other self destructive things. I hope she'll let me continue to be around, because I worry about her.

 

[rightkindofme]

If you are worried about her hurting herself that is something that would be appropriate to notify school officials about.

 

[KP the nut]

With B, on the other hand, I find myself compulsively checking to see the last time she logged in to facebook to reassure myself that she hasn't gone and done any other self destructive things.

The first priority is YOU. You cannot be responsible for what others do, it is their choice and they know the consequences. 'B' sounds like a very manipulative person who knows how to play people for a reaction.

You sound very much like me, a peace keeper. However, people like 'B' will do what they want and your responsibility is not to let yourself be dragged down by her actions.

If you are worried about her hurting herself that is something that would be appropriate to notify school officials

Good advice.

 

[Eleanor]

You can't rescue B. The very best you can do is offer her help, which it seems she is uninterested in at the moment.

The fact that she is making up stories about how she quit the sorority indicates to me that she is a) feeling guilty and b) unable to take responsibility for where the is at and the decisions she makes. You are totally right that she is in a bad place, and she is not your job. If she seems like she is going to tumble off and harm herself - there are people in your institution whose job it is to keep their eye on such things and intervene. Give them a "heads up." You have plenty on your plate with school and presidency of a sorority. Sheesh!

 

[The Albatross]

B bailed before a consequence. Stories from her about the events are classic shame avoidance. All you can do at this point is to keep clear of controversy, but make it known that her decision to leave was before any decision was handed down. Nothing less, nothing more. Leave it where it lays and don't play into gossip or back and forth story swapping. If she seeks recourse, give her a chance. If not, let it ride being beyond reproach.