SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
I have been under a lot of pressure as many of you know. I am also hard on myself.
The last days I saw some friends, thought it would help me face the situation I'm in if I talk.
I thought it did, I have some very loving people around me.
Today was the first day without plan or pressure (at least at the near 5 days) and I broke.
I've been having some back pain and what I used before didn't agree with my stomach so I asked the pharmacy for alternative. Maybe that added to it. Suddenly the same thing happened to me as it did the first few weeks home once I got PTSD.
I slept, had breakfast, and then dosed off. Waking at moments,asleep at others. I eat, I sleep, I eat again. I'm not upset, not I pain,not angry of upset. Just dosing over TV.
I have to use every second to save My situation. I have to work on so much else. I should be doing healthy stuff for myself. I should be proving my friends faith in me right...
But all today was,was not being here. Not feeling the date or place. I ran to the store and it wasn't like I went to a store I've known for years. It was like few snapshots of being present and the rest was automatic. Then a lot of time in bed, half-watching something that was interesting enough. And all else was like I was under thick fog and for once I couldn't think of the result or the goal, the aim, the pressure, just nothing.
It's not like I did anything. It's not like I was fully asleep either.
It was just like a bunch of random moments where I would be present and think: no errands or obligations today, perfect time to get to the rest I'm responsible for this month. What a great idea. Maybe some yoga. Then I'd slide again in that feeling,because it was a relief from all I wasn't feeling, it was like being on flu medication and getting relief from being sick for a moment.
Happened tome a lot when I got home not knowing I had ptsd and looking for a job. I would intent to do it. I would stay up watching until I fell asleep, avoiding nightmares. I would have good breakfast, scrolljobs, and sleep in hazy fog. Have lunch, maybe send few resumes, fall in the fog again. Then my family who didn't know would be back, and I would either listen to music walking in the park for 2 hours,orcry in the bathroom for no reason, like the world was ending. Rinse and repeat. But i was younger and not in asdire situation like now.
Yet today is remarkably the same, it's like when you wake at night and know you can continue sleeping and then the world is gone again.
Like I know my world will continue falling off it's axis tomorrow, but it's Sunday and I have no feelings,and desires and the world just comes in snapshots and i should be concerned but I know the next wave is coming and welcome it.
I know this is bed but it's been months since I felt this peace and I can't seem to get out of it.
My hope is it's just until tomorrow morning, like gathering strength maybe? But it's scary after the pressure and tasks and errands and meetings and crying a day of totally opposite. Like I'm under fog and I know I should care and I just keep sleeping, doing nothing but occasional snacks and falling into the abyss again.
The sad part is, it feels good. I know there is a hurricane of things waiting on me tomorrow but today feels good.
The last days I saw some friends, thought it would help me face the situation I'm in if I talk.
I thought it did, I have some very loving people around me.
Today was the first day without plan or pressure (at least at the near 5 days) and I broke.
I've been having some back pain and what I used before didn't agree with my stomach so I asked the pharmacy for alternative. Maybe that added to it. Suddenly the same thing happened to me as it did the first few weeks home once I got PTSD.
I slept, had breakfast, and then dosed off. Waking at moments,asleep at others. I eat, I sleep, I eat again. I'm not upset, not I pain,not angry of upset. Just dosing over TV.
I have to use every second to save My situation. I have to work on so much else. I should be doing healthy stuff for myself. I should be proving my friends faith in me right...
But all today was,was not being here. Not feeling the date or place. I ran to the store and it wasn't like I went to a store I've known for years. It was like few snapshots of being present and the rest was automatic. Then a lot of time in bed, half-watching something that was interesting enough. And all else was like I was under thick fog and for once I couldn't think of the result or the goal, the aim, the pressure, just nothing.
It's not like I did anything. It's not like I was fully asleep either.
It was just like a bunch of random moments where I would be present and think: no errands or obligations today, perfect time to get to the rest I'm responsible for this month. What a great idea. Maybe some yoga. Then I'd slide again in that feeling,because it was a relief from all I wasn't feeling, it was like being on flu medication and getting relief from being sick for a moment.
Happened tome a lot when I got home not knowing I had ptsd and looking for a job. I would intent to do it. I would stay up watching until I fell asleep, avoiding nightmares. I would have good breakfast, scrolljobs, and sleep in hazy fog. Have lunch, maybe send few resumes, fall in the fog again. Then my family who didn't know would be back, and I would either listen to music walking in the park for 2 hours,orcry in the bathroom for no reason, like the world was ending. Rinse and repeat. But i was younger and not in asdire situation like now.
Yet today is remarkably the same, it's like when you wake at night and know you can continue sleeping and then the world is gone again.
Like I know my world will continue falling off it's axis tomorrow, but it's Sunday and I have no feelings,and desires and the world just comes in snapshots and i should be concerned but I know the next wave is coming and welcome it.
I know this is bed but it's been months since I felt this peace and I can't seem to get out of it.
My hope is it's just until tomorrow morning, like gathering strength maybe? But it's scary after the pressure and tasks and errands and meetings and crying a day of totally opposite. Like I'm under fog and I know I should care and I just keep sleeping, doing nothing but occasional snacks and falling into the abyss again.
The sad part is, it feels good. I know there is a hurricane of things waiting on me tomorrow but today feels good.
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