I Stopped Using Drugs & Alcohol Hoping My Life Will Change, Unfortunatelly No Joy...

[Larrry_Nash]

I don't know where to start, but will try keep it simple.

I was sexually abused when i was age of 5-8 I can remember exactly, as I tried to ripped it of from my memory more than 35 years.Unfortunately, today I can say its not possible to do this.

In age of 18 I left my home to change the place, as I ashamed to live in same place, I had obsessive thought that everyone knows that I was abused and worst thing is, that I was thinking it was my fault.",-I could not go, I could say no, I could do anything."but.. to late...
From age of 10-14 I start gambling. from age of 18 I start using alcohol and drugs to shut down all thoughts, that something wrong with me. I just pretended to be well behave men with no problem or any personal issues whatsoever. In my 30' I was a wreck of men with everyday suicide thoughts completely addicted to drugs, alcohol and gambling. Everyweek after I lost my wages I went to drink or smoke drugs to forget for minute what is my miserable life is about.Surprisingly I knew, if I continue to do this I will die shortly and 8 years ago I decided to stop drinking, gabling and taking drugs...I was hoping, if I do this my life will change.Yes I was right my life has been changed in some way.I have a kid I have a family.I don't have a hangover or obsessive thought where to get money or cannabis to smoke.But my family don't know what is going on with me .I spoke with my wife couple of times about this.but I can see that she cant understand me at all.She tries, but no way she can imagine what I go through..I don't want to put also my life to her shoulders.I went to PTSD therapy but didn't work for me..

I am very nervous person and what I hate myself for is I shout on my kid when she does something wrong. Its a small stupid things.It can be a dropping a glass on the floor or spill water ect.But this is how I react on small things.She is 6 years old and I think she is scared of me.And I hate that feelings,knowing this. Every time I do apologise to her saying , that daddy loves you , sorry about shouting I promise her to do not do this again.But I do shout every time.

I attend to AA, GA ect groups and I am looking for PTSD supporting group in London.Is there any of ?

I don't have a joy of my life.After years of gambling and drinking I cant find anything what can me give a little boost to my life.Is there anyone who went trough this and he or she enjoy day by day life ?

 

[Philippa]

Hi Larry nash. I'm pretty sure everyone here can in some way relate to your story. PTSD is very hard to live with, for the person suffering and the people around them. Little things set us off. I was kicked out of home by my father after I lost it with my mother for drinking a bottle of wine my boyfriend gave to me. It makes us look petty, but petty things do set off the stress that is over flowing. Try and forgive yourself.

I think though that constantly apologizing to your daughter may cause more damage, as that word means you will never do it again, and you cannot promise that...so, to her it may be causing an erosion of trust in you, unfortunately. It's hard because I'm sure you don't mean to yell at her, but kids can be annoying, even in their innocence. They don't realise how they can annoy adults, they are just being kids.

It's good you can be honest about it, and that you are seeking help. Hopefully you can gain more support here. I think you will find us a very supportive bunch.

I'm wondering, do you have a creative outlet? That can be a way to find joy in living again. I paint, so, for me, art and writing are ways in which I find joy again. If you are depressed it is hard to imagine ever feeling joy again though.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah I went through it, and went to AA and got sober. But the "promises" didn't manifest for me. It turned out I had PTSD, ADD/ADHD and some undiagnosed underlying health issues. The thing is... I did grasp the concept of personal responsibility from the program and decided to use the self discipline and leading a life based on service to others and/or spiritual principles was better than going back to the booze. I used practice, patience, persistence, perseverance and prayer (prayer being optional) to initiate a small series of challenges/goals/exposures over the last 5 years or so. Things got better. Things are better.

The self examination portion of the program was helpful to me as well, and I ended up broadening out with a secular program (SMART Recovery) for relapse prevention which uses CBT techniques (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) and also some REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) techniques. I found myself able to grasp, learn and use those with some consistency. I don't have a whole lot of "joy" particularly but I have moments now where I do experience joy, happiness, peace, calm, contentment, exuberance... some more pleasant emotional states that were unattainable for me even after 3 years (then relapse for two months) and another 2 years sober.

In your post @Larrry_Nash, you acknowledge that you are a very "nervous" person. I think that would be an beneficial place to start examining for yourself. Also maybe "emotional regulation/dysregulation" as your response to small incidents is disproportional at times and you are aware that this is an area that you could endeavor to explore and change/improve to create a more peaceful, calm, happy/joyful home environment.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I'm very sorry you've been through so much pain and trouble. You didn't deserve that. I can relate to parts of your story, too.

Also, I applaud you for having quit alcohol and gambling. That's a great big step! Be proud of yourself, you deserve that.

Unfortunately, quitting addiction doesn't instantly make things better. However, it is an essential step to get strong enough to make that change. It's obvious you want to be a good father for your child and I think that could be a great motivation for you to keep going. You really are on the right track.

Recovery just takes a lot of time and effort. You've already done one of the most difficult parts, which is undeniable proof that you can get better. Just hold on. Things will change eventually.

 

[Lizard05]

Larry, I also spent a number of years doing an excessive amount of drugs. I quit 3 and a half years ago after another arrest and have found Narcotics Anonymous to really help me. At least for the daily stuff. The harder stuff to deal with the PTSD at this point. I used drugs to not feel the feelings of low self esteem, panic attacks, complete freak outs, crying spells, etc. So when I stopped using them, of course, the feelings came back but it really feels like they came back with a vengeance, stronger than ever! That's why I started to search for other help.

It always amazes me that I can relate to so much on this site. Our stories are very similar even though we as people are very different, from our age to our location. I wish you all the best in your journey! I don't know what it's like having children, but as a daughter to a father that has major anger problems, know that at the end of the day, you are her father and she wouldn't ask for a different one. I am almost 27 years old and my dad and I are able to have a very healthy and happy relationship. It took a lot of time and effort to get to this point, but know that it is possible. Hope that helps even just a little bit!

 

[Hashi]

I went to PTSD therapy but didn't work for me..

There are different types of therapy that people with PTSD find useful. I don't know what you tried before, but I suggest you try more trauma therapy - maybe a different type of therapy or different therapist.

I wonder if shouting at your daughter is not because you're nervous but because she's the age you were when you were abused. This could be bringing up all sorts of difficult emotions. Therapy that is specifically for trauma might be helpful.

 

[Larrry_Nash]

Thank you for all your stories and support. Reading your stories again and again makes me feel, that I am not alone, as most of my life I was feeling that loneliness. That the world is completely different and it is for all other people, than me. I did my calculations and because my parent divorced when I was in age of 1,5 years and its more likely, that I was unwanted baby. I always felt that feeling. Might be this is the reason of my feelings about the world. Perhaps another reason is the feeling of fear and disappointment, may be some flash backs which probably I will have this summer, as after 20 years I will go back to my city, when I was born, raised and had my trauma never been there and I just tried to erase that city from my memory. But it’s not possible. It’s not a city's fault. have a big family there and they always ask me why you don't visit us, bla bla bla...? Anyway I realised that this is the one of the reasons why I found this forum and why I am sitting here now and typing this .Simply, I am scared ..Funny thing is that my wife always says, if someone doesn't know you, you have so scary face, like some mafia movies faces...But inside it is completely different me..

I also want to meet my father and speak with him, perhaps tell him go in piece and I am prepare to forgive you the fact, that you never contacted with your first born sun., whatever your relation were with you wife. My mum raised me alone.

So many things going in my "washing machine" and I can’t stop it. In one hand I know I should face this emotions once again, perhaps for closing that chapter., but in other hand I am scared, am so scared. I am so scared of meeting people who abused me. They are not my family. I am scared to face them and perhaps hold still and do not do anything stupid, as I had a plan in all my adult life to revenge my miser ability in very drastic way. But After many rehab programs, attending supports groups, I know the only way of get rid of this revenge feelings it’s just let it go. But sorry, I can’t forgive them now. Even if I know, it’s good for me, I am not able cant. I don’t want to meet them at all. Have anyone did this ? Have you forgive them ? How ?

I was so close to end my life . many times. And every time I was near the death, I was blaming them for all what happened to me. How to forgive someone, who changed so many thing s in my life. Of course , some of you can say, look, your life changed, you are sober, your child did not see and meet that monster , when you were in hell. Nevertheless that feelings of emptiness and fear kills me.

You know how obsessive am I am with security ? Wherever I go first priority is security. I always check how secure it’s the place I go or buy , ect…I hate banging doors and falling plates as it gets back to Fight and Flight respond. This is when I shout on my family members..


I hope one day it is going to be different…

 

[Larrry_Nash]

Can anyone advice is there any PTSD supporting groups in London ?
thank you

 

[Larrry_Nash]

Sometimes I think my life created for constant suffering...It is really hurts..After 30 years of Silence I decided to tell my mum what happened to me 30 years ago..The reason why I tld her, not for blaming her, that I couldn't tell her about sexual abusment when I was 7-10 just because I afraid of her reaction , rejection, ect..But I wanted to show , that there is huge alcohol problem in my family and this could be the reason , why I didnt trust her or I was scared of telling her..And yes, it is happened again and I have been punched again.She is 3000 mile away from me , we spoke trough skype and she said its not possible...That at that time in early 80's there was not such a think in "our" country..Even now it is very rare...So if you can imagine what feeling went trough my receptors , well I just said go **** yourself...My mum never drunk, she is not in any addiction,( If she was, I could understand her response) but she is like ice rock without any feelings.I dont remember any hugs from her, ect...Mu granny was the one who I feel much closer than my mum, as she always working...I cant imagine how it is possible to response in such a stupid way.She could say everything and anything but not what she said..I just hanged up the phone and now I feel really bad.Not because I did something wrong.I feel this is a end of relationship with my mum.The only mum and only one sun.Life why you are so crazy..Ok I achieved what I did nearly nine years sober from alcohol , drugs and gabling.But I had to stop this, because I wanted kill myself.But nevertheless, today I feel shi***..I fells so lonely .The only person who understand me and support its my wife...Why my mum has no any feelings ? Sometimes I think, maybe she was sexually assaulted when she was young , that is why she cant accept that what happened to me. I can understand that it is difficult , as she can feel( if she) that she failed..as a parent..Nut is it so difficult to say nothing instead of defending herself...Sometimes I feel that I am in close circle and there is no any way out of this mess...Feel so lonely...really...but sober...

 

[Ronin]

I don't know if that could help any, but I find that kind of 'disappointment' pretty common as an adjustment phase? After all, addictive behaviors - any kind of addiction - fill a certain need, have a function, in people's lives. With that gone you've got a missing spot that can feel like nothing, useless, just there, staring back at you. Give it time. It will get easier, your body'll have time to adjust to different chemistry, things will even out a bit. Just have patience & take it slow; you can do it. It'll be worth it, even if it sucks balls meantime.

Don't try to take it all at once, either. You don't have to fix your relationships while you're busy fixing *you*. They will come along. I found focusing on getting healthier is more beneficial - it's something I can control to much greater degree & it's also what helps putting my relating to others more into perspective, what gives me maneuveuring space to get my life together.

& then there are responsibilities you simply don't hold. Your parents and they changing their emotionality & how they go around life? Not your responsibility. It's their lives. You have yours to patch up.

 

[Larrry_Nash]

I am 9 year sober, what chemistry should change more ? for now I put the cross on my famly. I dont want to contact them and I asked them to do not contact me either.,..

 

[Chava]

I sobered up a long time ago and for me it was a huge relief and I did regain some sense of humor, but it was initially very hard and stressful. It gets better. Quitting smoking has left me with that sort of joyless feeling...pathetic to realize how much I needed dumb little cigarettes to lift me up. It helps me to remember that it's all a process...and even noting that I don't feel any joy. Instead of thinking about it too much or worrying that it will always be like this, I focus on little things I need to get done, like just walk the dog. If I find something that gives me a feeling of joy, I make sure to give time for that (artwork, walking, whatever).

As for the anger, it's good you're aware and want to change. Depression, anxiety, PTSD can all lead to intense irritability sometimes. When you feel that instant trigger to yell, can you quick turn away and really blow out some strong air? Something? Don't neglect the feeling, but channel it somewhere. If you always yell at your daughter, then apologize, it's just confusing. Mindfulness stuff has helped me some in realizing I can create a bit of "space" between my thought or feeling and my reaction. I don't have to immediately react or over-react. Have you tried anything like meditation, yoga, other mindfulness practices? For me the most helpful part is that recognition and learning that I can have a thought or feeling, and even validate it, but not have to instantly react or feel trapped. Sometimes I wait a bit and it feels worse...then I know I need to walk up the hill or do something to lessen the angry or anxious charge in my body. Exercise helps me in many ways...doesn't always increase the joy, but helps take the edge off the really difficult feelings so I can process them and respond in a way that lets me feel like I'm actually in control of myself and my actions.