I Struggle Even With A Hug

[Brokensoul88]

Handshakes, I can manage although if it's a man it's harder because you move in close to do so. So the proximity becomes an added problem.

My nice colleague hugged me today because I was in a state, she knew straight away because I backed off & she looked at me & said "I know ur not comfortable with this but you need a hug" I let her & I just tensed right back up. I wish it could be different

 

[barefoot]

I find hugging really difficult too - especially people I don't know very well unexpectedly swooping in for a big grabby bear hug. I've realised that I get a very, very quick freeze response and by the time I've unfrozen and processed that I'm getting a hug, it's already happening so then I just sort of let them carry on because it feels rude to push them off but then my anxiety is absolutely rocketing off the chart internally. It's horrible. And it's got much worse over the past year or so :-(

My therapist once casually dropped into conversation that she hugs some of her long term clients at the end of sessions. She wasn't saying anything about me or asking if I wanted one or anything - it was just a throwaway comment from her because I think she was just trying to make the point that some people were huggy and some people aren't. Anyway....I had a very strong reaction to it...pretty much had a full on meltdown about it, in fact. It makes me feel freaked out to think about it now and I still don't really understand why, even though we talked about it in the next session.

It sounds like you would really like to work on changing this. If that's the case and you really long for a hug from your therapist, perhaps this is a good opportunity to work towards exposing yourself to this kind of contact with a safe, compassionate, non-judgemental person in a safe space. Good luck!

 

[deleted]

I felt like I was reading about myself when I reading this and my heart totally goes out to you. I experience all of this almost exactly like you do! My mom who I also love so much can rarely hug me because it makes me so nervous and uncomfortable. When I am in a bad place mentally, I've hit or screamed at people who touch me from behind or hug me unexpectedly. It's so embarrassing but in that moment my brain immediately goes into "danger mode" and I think that "he's" behind me or touching me all over again.

For me, the only person I am semi-comfortable with touching is my best friend. When I first had to address not touching me with her she took it upon her self to start out with just a simple quick touch on the arm, shoulder, high five, fist bump, or other really quick contact after asking me if I was ok with it and in a good space. If I wasn't she wouldn't touch me and leave it alone. We worked slowly until the point where she could give me a side hug or just be in my personal space (I have a huge problem with people even being near me) and me not feeling so scared. Then we worked up to side hugs and now she can give me a very quick, almost full hug and I feel somewhat safe. Granted this was over a period of YEARS so it takes a long time for that comfort to be built up, at least in my experience.

If you have a close friend, or even your mom, you could ask them to do kind of the same thing for you. Just small touches when you feel comfortable. Starting out with a hug is really scary as hugs are confining and you have to touch a lot of the other person. In a way its like starting with a 10k when you are just learning to run. :)

I don't know if I can help you with unexpected touch though as I still struggle a lot with that myself.

Good luck!