Sufferer I Survived A Serial Killer

[Ruckster]

You mentioned Sandy in one of your posts I think. I was a college student at the U when he came to go to law school. Really creepy nasty guy. My T asked me how I felt when he was executed and if I am for the death penalty. My answer is YES he needed to die, but I am basically against the death penalty.

Stuff happens in the heat of the moment or because of anger or jealousy or drugs or any number of things and people end up dead and someone is accused of murder. The anger can go away, the jealousy can go away, drugs wear off, people can change over time so in most cases I am not for the death penalty. But this guy was just evil. He killed over and over and over and over... you have to say that "over" word 35 times... and it wasn't because he was angry or jealous or on drugs. Killing was his hobby. He was captured and escaped twice and could have started a fresh life and stopped killing but he didn't. If he had not been executed he would have kept on killing.

I have another sort of generic question. My therapist says PTSD is not "curable". He tells me we can't "fix" it and we may never even be able to make it "good" again, but he says we can make it "less bad". Is that actually true? While less bad would be good... good would be better! I am not happy having this. It is messing up a huge part of my life that didn't use to be messed up. I am exerting so much energy trying to "act normal" and I don't sleep and I over react to the littlest things and then I have to pretend not to over react because that freaks out my family and I don't want my co-workers to see me over reacting at work. I cry and get emotional so easily. I am glad I found this site because there really isn't anyone in my life I can express my feelings to. My husband, now that he finally knows what happened as I didn't tell a soul for 37 years, says, "It was 37 years ago, get over it." My question is can PTSD be "gotten over"?

 

[Froggie]

Firstly : I find that your T is taking the necessary precautions to prepare you AND that he/she is letting you a space to control your situation by letting you chose the when of this experience. Will be looking forward to hear about this experience.

Secondly : "can PtSD be gotten over", it can be controlled by many grounding techniques, therapy and medication ... I'm talking about adequate medication and not over medication here. Many PTSDers look normal physically on the outside which can distablize their families, friends and co-workers. Comming on the forum helps us to vent out, get support and make a new social network amongst us in our PTSD reality. There is even a special section for spouses of PTSDers who get a good support and lots information, and also permits them to vent out as they are sometimes overcome and confused about what this is doing to their spouse and their mariage. Can you get over PTSD - I've learned to live with it and use the exercises my T and psy have shown me and the medication that my PsychDoc prescribed have permitted me to find empowerment in my life and eased the tension that family and friends felt.

You have managed to control all this for 37 years, you have strength, turn that strength to will power with what your T will show you and any other adequate professionel advice.

 

[The Albatross]

Ruckster, I too live in the same town where a good helping of my adult traumas happened. After my adult rape I was in Rape Crisis Counseling and upset because many of the about 10 participants were still in their traumas as if it had just happened, though their assaults had been years before. I stopped showing up and was contacted about why. To make a long story short, I agreed to return and the counselor/therapist put me on the "fast track" and told me to repeat the scenario that lead up to my assault repetatively for several nights (the time of my assault). I know now the intent was to desesitize. When I had done this, visiting at night 10 convenience stores, walking in and buying one item, getting back in my car and safely leaving. She told me to repeat it at the location of my assault. I did it successfully.

My experience taught me the value of revisiting the locations of my traumas. I did develop some weird quirks and a couple phobias... but they were managed for a while til I realized that they were related to the rape and assault. Once I made the connection I could beat the phobias as well. Though stressful and uncomfortable in the short term, I did get long term results.

I hope this helps you.

 

[Eleanor]

It depends on what you mean by "cured." If you mean "treated so that it will never ever possibly rear its ugly head again unless you develop PTSD from a separate trauma" (Which appears to be what people mean by "cured") then No. BUT there are people on this forum (see Accomplishments and successes forum) who have managed to work their way to a-symptomatic, that is they would no longer be diagnosed with PTSD given their reactions and behavior now. What level of healing is likely for you (or possible for everyone) is a big unknown. You just have to do the experiment. And, it seems like it is also a bit like managing your weight - you have to keep at the new habits to keep it from coming back.

"get over it" is something pretty much everyone hears - and its a reaction based on a a really really inadequate understanding of trauma and what it takes to heal it. Denial, as you've so clearly demonstrated - works super well, right up the moment that until it doesn't any more. And then the piper must be paid, and the work done to do the healing.

Very best wishes for your trip to "the place"! And how very brave and resourceful of you to have taken advantage of the opportunity you had to survive! (And prosper!)

 

[Ruckster]

Thank you, everyone. I appreciate your comments. I always felt like that entire time period was a giant FAIL. Failed at making safe choices which is how I ended up in the Volkswagen in the first place. Failed at getting proper help for my injuries. Failed at stopping him from killing all those victims after my attack. Failed at relationships. Failed educationally and professionally.

Now, I am starting to think that parts of it may not have been "fails". My escape was cool, dramatic, and sort of like you would see in an action movie. Maybe I should have my own action figure..ha. I did manage to finish college even with all the classes I missed and I got a good job in my field. I have held management positions most of my career . I invented something and started a little business based on it. That business is thriving. I am probably seen by most people as very competent and successful. I am lucky to be alive!

 

[nimkekaa]

None of it was your fault. You did not fail at all. You were just a normal child who didn't understand that people lie to get what they want. Being innocent is not a failure.

Congratulations on your success in your buisness.

 

[Ruckster]

I have been thinking (dangerous activity, I know), but I have been doing it just the same. I was thinking about my motives for taking the step to post anything at all on this forum. After all, I never told a single person any of this for years and years and now I am telling this stuff that has been sacredly secret to people I don't even know and probably never will know. This is where my thoughts ended up:

I sort of stalked this forum for a bit, watching to see if it looked and felt safe. One of my "symptoms" is a terrible, horrible, extreme feeling of loneliness. Even when I am not alone, I feel alone. One day a few weeks back, after a particularly intense therapy session, I didn't want to go home to my family. I can't explain exactly why my family doesn't fix my loneliness, perhaps because they don't "get" it, if that makes sense. Anyway, I went walking around my neighborhood just hoping I would find a neighbor or a mailman or a dog walker or some human I could talk to. I didn't want to talk about my stuff. I just wanted to talk about their dog or their lawn or their flowers or their arthritis. I just wanted to feel like there was someone somewhere who recognized me a member of the human race.

My therapist told me that part of the reason I feel so alone is that there aren't very many people even on the planet that have experienced my level of trauma. I sort of think "Well at least I did that well!" It is lonely at the top. If I am going to go through all the trouble of having PTSD it may as well be over something really good, Right? Don't do anything half way!

When I stalked this forum I found a LOT of fellow trauma-ers. (Sorry Amethist, that probably isn't a word and you will edit it out for me.) I sort of felt like I wasn't so strange and so weird and so different. I didn't feel so alone on the planet any more. I read about a whole lot of horrible things that had happened to really wonderful people who didn't deserve it. I read about people who were experiencing the same sadness and panic and tears and anger and other emotions that I feel.

I am not happy that so many of you have all this pain, certainly not. But it is very comforting to know I am NOT alone. I want you to know that you have been an enormous help to me in just the couple of days I have been active on here. Thank you.

 

[Froggie]

(((Ruckster))), you just expressed something that a whole lot of us have expressed in our beginnings here on the forum. It's the place I feel "safe and normal" as I don't get that feeling of being judged of looking OK on the outside and not having any physical evidence of how eurrrkkkk I can be inside.

 

[nimkekaa]

Wow Ruckster. That is exactly how I felt when I found this forum. I too felt that there are not many people that have experience the same amount of trauma I have and the relief at finding others that "GET IT" has been so healing for me.

This forum has triggered a break through for me. It's the first time I have spoken openly about what has happened to me. Even with my T I tend to talk about the effects of my trauma on my life and coping strategies more then what actually happened.

I'm so glad your here Ruckster.

 

[Taven Carlsen]

Ruckster, that post has what traumatic psychology always needs: Perspective.

 

[Ruckster]

Today I worked at my "day job". After that my husband and I went to see a movie. The movie was not very interesting but at least we were able to sit for a couple of hours in the same room, side by side. It seems we don't do that much any more.

In 3 weeks it will have been a year since my boss spoke to me in the same horrible way that T.B. spoke to me and tumbled all these memories and garbage out of my secret storage place deep inside somewhere. I would think that if your boss talks to you the same way a serial killer talked to you, it ought to be at least inappropriate if not actually illegal somehow or other?

Of course, you understand what happened next, all the anxiety and fear and tears and anger and rage happened. I became a nervous nag. My family stopped even letting me ride in the car with them as I was so naggy. My husband had a heart attack two weeks after the boss adventure and I am totally sure that my sky high anxiety helped bring that about.

He had a stent put in and really ought to be much better now, nearly a year out, but he isn't. He is having his own depression and dealing with his brush with mortality and so he isn't really able to help me deal with my stuff. (And I am not doing a very good job at helping him either).

 

[Froggie]

Sorry to hear that you are both going through some hardships which leaves little time and energie to give one another. Does your H have PTSD also ?

Some bosses have no idea what their employees have gone through. Unless he is a ruthless narcississic sadic, he might rethink about his behavior. I can imagine the number of triggers you have to deal with everyday. It's unfortunate that it's not always easy, nor a good decision, to change jobs as the situation can be critic, but that could be an option for you, find another more humain place to work at. I don't know your situation so maybe my suggestion is a fluke.