I think he got frustrated with me now what?

[Hojay]

@Pippi427 I don’t think you did anything wrong, or that there’s anything to apologize for here (though I love @Friday’s gratitude angle. I think that’s a great approach either way!) I also don’t think email was a horrible idea in this situation. Emails—as opposed to calls or texts—are a much slower form of communication, and it’s implied that the receiver should respond when and how they see fit.

I agree that you should take his response as an honest explanation and apology. That, however, also leaves you in the position of having to accept what he’s able to offer at the moment. That means, no further prodding or pushing. He’s already communicated what his priorities are at the moment. That doesn’t mean you have to be alright with that for the end of days. See how long you’re willing to give him the space to figure his new job out. You’ll know when it’s gone from “transition” to “new status quo.” Should this lack of communication establish itself, you can figure out how to approach it with him so that both of your needs can be met.

(Personally? Yeah, I’d struggle with a sudden drop on communication over a long period of time. I’d find it hard to feel like I’m in a relationship at all if communication were sporadic and only on one person’s terms as a rule. But only time can tell if that’s the case here no?)

 

[blackemerald1]

@Pippi427 - there is a stage called 'work hardening'. It is the period of time between not working (even for relatively short periods of time) and transitioning up to full on work schedule. It is quite a difficult adjustment period. You have possibly felt this yourself? I think that is all that is happening here. He is adjusting. He will, given time and persistence, adjust to this new schedule. When that has happened and he has settled you will see how much energy, time and interest he has.

And...also yes the Stress Cup analogy is relevant too.

And I agree with Friday's approach as well. :)

 

[Pippi427]

@Pippi427 - there is a stage called 'work hardening'. It is the period of time between not working (even for relatively short periods of time) and transitioning up to full on work schedule. It is quite a difficult adjustment period. You have possibly felt this yourself? I think that is all that is happening here. He is adjusting. He will, given time and persistence, adjust to this new schedule. When that has happened and he has settled you will see how much energy, time and interest he has.

And...also yes the Stress Cup analogy is relevant too.

And I agree with Friday's approach as well. :)

I would assume this as well. I just wanted him to talk to me about it and let me know how it was. I guess he's not ready. I will use @Friday's approach to thank him for taking time to get back to me while he was super busy. I have always used the "Rock Star" analogy to build him up. So I guess I'm doing some things right. ?

 

[LuckiLee]

I don't think he's frustrated with you. Just frustrated in general. This is a very new relationship and I think you're just now finding out how PTSD affects him. Everything is trial and error in the beginning.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Lots of great ideas here!

His email was completely an explanation. My vet does that all the time. I have given up on communication with him during his work week. I try, but I accept that my texts usually go unanswered. But we live together to I do actually get to see and lightly interact with him before and after work.

My vet also has a public service job going in and out of homes for 12 hours a day driving hundreds of miles a week, so I totally get where you're coming from.

Just last night while he was working I texted him to ask if he can pick the dog up from boarding on Sunday or I can do it Monday when I return. He said "I don't know. I have too much going on right now." I told him I'll handle it and didn't send any more texts including my usual good night/love you text.
He got home this morning....I asked "rough night?" He told me I didn't want to know. I said ok and rubbed his back. Then he started opening up about the chaos...but the bare bones version.
To me, it seems my vet is just so self-sufficient it doesn't cross his mind to share with me because its not helpful to him "surviving" the shift nor does it cross his mind that I want to know and be "part of" what he's going through because he's too busy going through it. He talks and shares the most when I have no expectations and don't ask what happened...but more how was your day? Then he gets to control where the conversarion goes. I think I've also built trust over the years by reacting to what he tells me with nonchalance and his same emotions. X situation made him angry....X situation makes me sad....I say something like "that sounds frustrating". And leave it at that. Sometimes he goes into yes it was....sometimes he moves on. But he gets to decide and steer the conversation.

 

[Pippi427]

So @Friday's idea was a great one. We talked this morning and he told me about all the hours and miles he'd been on. I have learned to sense the same frustration and not further inundate him when he's on overflow. He also thanked me for the support and encouragement and mentioned, like @blackemerald1 said, he needed work-hardening....he calls it his "battle rhythm"

So for today and the past 6 months, my boundary remains clear and respected...communicate to me at least every 4 days. He shares how he's feeling, coping, eating, sleeping. He gives words of affection and expresses the desire to get together once he's off his on-call assignment.

 

[Pippi427]

Update on this. Our communication has improved. We're talking via text and phone a few times a day now. He is actually loving his job, so part of him not stopping to communicate was actually just him head-down working hard. I'm happy he's got something going that he feels important doing. (It is a necessary public service he does.)

I also have to learn that when he transitions from having his daughters to being kidless when they go back to his ex requires several days to transition. It's almost like PTSD gums up his works and it takes a bit for him to get going "normally" again.

Thank you everyone for helping me work through this new step for us.