I Think I Am Dying

[Justmehere]

I hear ya. It sounds like you really need relief from the pain you are in. Is that part of why you want to lay down and die? To stop the overwhelming pain?

 

[Anarchy]

do you know anyone who's pee would show negative - and get them to donate a fresh sample that you could submit?

politicians and their stupid scribbles:poop:... I won't even go there.

 

[Little Flower]

No not really. Around here it's just a normal thing to do. A lot of police turn their head the other way. In Podunk there are no theatres no climbing gyms. Nothing for kids n teens. When u sign the release firm at the doctor it says u give up all rights to privacy to local state and federal officials. It's against Hippa and its a trap. Many many people will stop going for help for depression anxiety. And PTSD. Maybe that's their plan. Cut down on health care cost. Bastards

 

[Chava]

I can relate to a lot of these feelings, and sometimes they last a long time. I was on semi-dead mode for a long, long time, feeling more like I was dying than living. It sounds like you are overloaded with current life stress, old triggers, and just shutting down. I don't want to say that it's "okay" because it's not healthy for us and it feels horrible, but I don't think it's atypical given all the stress. I'm no expert but in trying to understand my own stuff, I shutdown under loads of stress or triggers...something like parasympathetic overdrive. Basically, even if in a sort of maladaptive way, my body is trying to protect me. It's shutdown or nervous breakdown...like those are my options sometimes. But life feels so joyless when bombarded by stress or my own numbness. That's maybe the worst part. I have to find little bits of good, which is hard, but sometimes it's just finding a new song. I can't do the dying thing long because I really end up hospitalized.

When I feel like this, I allow myself to shutdown with some awareness, and shield myself from stress...hang out in a small interior room with dim light. No noise. I also cut back on what I can. And ask for help where I feel like I can, though it becomes very hard to do that when I'm shutting down. I also try to work on staying present and active in okay ways, like walking my dog or just cleaning a countertop. Do you feel like you can talk to your doctor about this mj vs Xanax thing? Medication and substance stuff is stressful, especially when we fear being cut off. I won't suggest you sober up because I don't know if you're an alcoholic or even feel up to that route...I understand alcohol "helps" (I got sober years ago). But you're right, it's a mega depressant. My sense of humor (life-saving) returned when I got sober and had to simultaneously go off meds because my insurance quit paying for them. For me, that stuff added a very thick layer of deadness to my feelings of non-existence. I didn't realize how bad it was for me until I was clean for a while. Mj...same thing. This feels understandably horrid for you, but it might be a super uncomfortable transition vs a death. If you can manage on something less of substances, whichever they are, and find other ways to reach out, it might actually help lift a part of your cloud.

Aside from the meds and substances are there other things that help you feel safe or protected in your shutdown place? I've had to increase this list for myself because I personally can't do meds and my doctor won't prescribe benzos because of my horribly addictive history. I go through some hellish days but getting through them has forced me to grow and get more creative, which reminds me that i'm not dying, i'm just struggling to live sometimes.

Hang in there, moment by moment if needed. Reach out for help wherever needed (here, others, doctor, hospital/treatment/support group, therapist). You're not alone in this. Glad you posted.

 

[joeylittle]

HELP ME PLEASE.

@Little Flower, I worry sometimes that this forum can't provide the kind of immediate support you are sometimes looking for. I'm not saying you should stop coming here; but do you have any additional resources available to you as well, for times when you might not get an immediate response here?

Or, have you ever made a list of distraction techniques? I would not survive without my list.

 

[Little Flower]

I have crisis line but they are not so helpful. This my second or third round of this I should probably be in hospital but no money. I'm curled up in the bed I don't wanna eat. And I want my kids n grand kids They're pretty far away. I have my bf who's taking some care of me. But I don't feel anything. I don't taste anything. I'm scared of doctors now because I'm afraid they are trying to trap me like they are on the polices side. That stress is making PTSD symptoms worse n I don't know where to turn Except my bed

 

[Little Flower]

Alcohol in moderation Making the woodpeckers fight with my own mouth making the sounds. Smoke. Walk around the slough and hearing nature. Trying not to cut. Trying not to cut. I really really wanna. It stops my gut from hurting. Isolation. Making the world go away.

 

[Little Flower]

No one wants me in chat. That's par for the course. I'll just ***** a little bit n that will let the pain out

 

[Jane.l]

The thing is drinking and cutting do help - that's why we do it but it's only a very short term fix and then you are perpetuating the guilt and shame cycle, which is going to bring you back to having to keep doing it.

With the suicide ideation I read something the other day that made me think - what if dying isn't any better ? We don't know what happens after life.It made me think.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

My heart really goes out to you! Helplessness is the WORST place to be! No matter how much you want to die, your kids need you in their lives! Even if they are grown, they still need your presence to give them reality checks. The worst abandonment is to choose to die. I DO know the feeling of wanting to die...but truly it's more that I didn't want to HURT any more!!!

I finally told my doctor about my mj use. I have to take pee tests now and then, so I just got honest. I have fibromyalgia, and severe arthritis in my feet and ankles, and because I can't take anti-inflammatories, I wear morphine (Fentanyl patches) to be able to function, and when I quit mj a couple years ago...a miracle of it's own) she increased my pain meds because mj has pain killing properties. Is it possible to be honest with your doc?

Don't give up, no matter how much you want to. The scars you leave behind, for your children, their children are unavoidable! They will forever wonder what they could have done. LOVE THEM, be there as much as possible, even if right now it's only staying alive!

 

[Little Flower]

I see that. Maybe what I really want is to be alive and free to do what I want without HAVING to break the law to or circumvent the law. I thought I wanted to life for my grandchildren. But now I suspect maternal sides father SA him and paternal side. EA. I know that from first hand ex. Other Middle son fired today He relied they were cutting asbestos n they fired him for whistle blowing. Kid has inferiority already :(. Sorry. I gotta stop. :(. If u read this thank u from my heart

 

[Little Flower]

I will be honest to him. He's been straight up with me. To be ok or not to be ok? That is the question