I Think I Am In The Right Place

[hopetha2]

i have been living with cptsd all of my life since exposed to horrific trauma in childhood and beyond; choosing unhealthy abusive partners as an adult, reliving my childhood in a sense. i am just really sad tonight...feeling once again abandoned by someone that i thought really understood me, but discovering that she doesn't get it at all. confided in her for several years, but now i am faced with her truth, which is that something has changed in our relationship and the bond is severed.. she is my sister in law, the only family member i have connected with and now she feels gone to me. after decades of terrible misdiagnoses and poor counseling in which people basically had their own agenda, i finally found someone in private practice 10 years ago who actually listened to what i had to say. he determined that i was definitely disassociating most of the time, with different parts of me dominating who were developmentally stunted.. the good news is that in our relationship, i have been transparent with him and i trust him which has given me and him the opportunity to help me come together as one person- an adult. i met my husband and it is only through the safety that i feel now for the first time in my life that i am able to do this work. that being said, i have to come to accepting that i will always be affected in alot of ways, and triggers won't go away-today being triggered at work. i work part time and live on soc. security. i am sad because old feelings are coming up and it hurts so bad in so many ways. i seek support and commonalities with other survivors as in the world out there i basically am isolated. i am trying to take care of myself better with a food plan and exercise, but whenever i start something positive for myself, fear comes up like a part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, something bad to happen because it always did. looking for comraderie and welcome those who can identify with this. i have to remember that i am this way because of what happened to me, not because i was born bad or defective. working on that shame piece is hard. thanks for listening and hopefully i will check in again . -h

 

[Teasel]

Hiya, welcome :)
I can relate to just about everything you wrote there :) look forward to seeing you around the forum

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Welcome and glad you're here. Shame is an intrusive beast, indeed. Let's kick it's ass every chance we get. :cool:

 

[hopetha2]

having a really hard night during an excruciatingly difficult week...waiting for a reply from my therapist. feeling alone and really devastated. this pain feels unbearable. i am supposed to work tomorrow but i can't see myself being in the 'real world' without wigging out. just a really tough several days. just need to get it out there.

 

[ladee]

If you don't hear from your T you can share here if you want. Listening and supporting you.
We are here for you.

 

[hopetha2]

a little down tonight. just a lot of stuff going on. tomorrow i see my therapist and processing all of what's been happening over the course of a week. I have to remember that I do not have the luxury of being high functioning with a sense of normalcy (if you want to call it that) Every day is a struggle and every time i have to face the world outside of the safety of my home, i pray, meditate, breathe and remind myself that i am no longer a helpless child but an adult with a family who has responsibilities. I have to look at every trigger as an opportunity for growth even though it may hurt like hell. case in point, sister in law. i don't think i can trust her anymore. just don't feel safe to be real with her after she minimized my life experiences as if i had a choice. i don't choose to struggle. the condition i have is 99 % involuntary with physical and emotional triggers every day. if i had a choice, i would choose differently, but i can't. i have to look at this as a condition or conditions, warranting the severity of a chronic illness; a cancer of sorts, that needs constant care and vigilance. my brother is in denial...he avoided his way out of dealing with his life. glad that works for him but there again, he had a difference of being 10 years older than me; and his home life was way different than mine. at 4 years old, i was fending for my life, knowing little human contact except for the sexual attention i received from my mother's boyfriend. by 7 years i was in charge of the house, taking care of my binge drinking mother and signing her credit card bills; locking the door, making sure we were safe. At 7 years!! my daughter is 9 and to have her get dressed is an effort for her. i was a little adult facing demons every day and it was too much for me to handle. the first 15 years of my life were horrific and still i tried to be like everyone else pretending i was unscathed. but time caught up with me and i fell flat on my face. just off on a tangent i guess, but i hurt tonight, sad and trying to have some sense of sanity. my daughter knows only love and the freedom to be who she is; a loving, creative little girl who knows she is loved and who is spirited and fiesty. everything i wasn't at her age. God bless her. And God is another tangent but i hasten to say i am spiritual not religious. there is a loving life force within every one of us. i wouldn't be this far along in my life if there weren't and i have to believe there is a reason for all of this if only a journey. now i am babbling and tired. i hope to get to know others who share similar sentiments. grateful to have found this place. -h

 

[ladee]

There are times we get blinsided by ignorance. And oftentimes it is by someone we felt understood on some level.
So we don't have our guard up as we would with someone who doesn't know us well.
So being invalidated like that cuts deep. And we feel betrayed.
I'm sorry she hurt you so deeply. So a good reason to come here often.
We do understand.
Take time to sort this out.
Sorry she is going to miss out on knowing a very exceptional woman.
Be good to yourself!
Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Teasel]

Sounds like you've got a very good head on your shoulders and are dealing with great difficulties well.
Beautiful to know your daughter is loved and spirited and evetrying you could want for her :)
Sorry to hear you've had your experiences dismissed by your sister in law. Amazing how many people dismiss us and our experiences isn't it.
Best to you

 

[hopetha2]

sad tonight, but making a lot of lifestyle changes after this quaking trigger. Decided to not sit by and be passive about my weight and disordered eating immediately after my issue with sister. Have been tracking food and exercising more frequently having joined a health forum online, and really aware after a week and 6 pound weight loss of how much I have treated myself like crap over the years all stemming from self doubt and self hatred. trying to change the tune a bit with small lifestyle changes and the result is feelings are coming up leaving me feeling raw and pensive..although I am still able for the most part to participate in family stuff and am cultivating a stronger bond with youngest daughter who is a light in my life. i have spurts of loving behavior towards myself but this journey is just the beginning. i really hurt inside and food for me has always been my go to for 'love' and 'nurturing' from not having had any affection or bonding as a baby and child. that in itself makes me profoundly sad, not in 'feel sorry for myself' way, but more of a compassionate and thoughtful stance. going to try to quit smoking tomorrow-one of my demons that needs to be obliterated. just lonely and sad, tired from the day. I find that i really do well with 9 hours of sleep a night, but lately have been waking up at 4am or 5 am causing me to get only 7 hours-more apt to be emotional and draggy. i appreciate you folks who provide encouragement and experience. somehow it is a comfort in all of this. saw my therapist yesterday and he likened my situation with sis as if someone told someone who had been raped that they asked for it. in my case, it is incredibly important for people who know my story to believe, not only that it happened, but the impact it has brought upon my life with daily struggles and misgivings. sis doesn't believe me after years of having invested in a close relationship with her for years. just can't deal with that. my mother always called me a liar and deceitful, fake and rotten never being good enough for her all of the time i lived with her. for a very young kid, that in itself is devastating. after all of her abuse over the years, i forgave her on her deathbed only to have her say f*ck off never having acknowledged any wrongdoing. my therapist said she sounded like she possessed the qualities of a sociopath, which really made sense to me. just on a tangent as i check in here wrapping up my evening. going to bed early and keeping on. hope all who are out there know that your stories of your experiences are valuable and are meant to be heard. we are special people, survivors broken or not. just keep carrying the torch and maybe one day we'll light a fire under a bigger fish. just babbling now, tired. have a good night. -h

 

[Llith]

Just wanted to say, welcome to the community :). |

I was also abused through childhood, and I believe many other people on this site were. My parents still won't acknowledge they did anything wrong, and I have even had my grandma lecture me on how I am making things up about my father. I don't have anyone aside from my sister in my family I can trust. Always makes family dinner awkward, them joking about things that happened that deeply traumatised me.

I am sorry you had to cut things off, it always just makes you feel more and more isolated, but if she felt that way then you were right to do it. You have lived through shit, and come out the other side, you do not have the time or emotional space to deal with other people who won't acknowledge it.

I also wanted to say there is a section of this site devoted to trauma diaries and it may help you to create one if you haven't already and post in there regularly. Obviously if you are more happy posting here that is fine, I just thought I would say :). I mainly use mine as a place to vent and mull over what happened.

I hope you manage to sleep okay tonight!!!

 

[Kintsugi]

I also wanted to say there is a section of this site devoted to trauma diaries and it may help you to create one if you haven't already and post in there regularly.

This is a really excellent suggestion.

The trauma and stressors section exists for more focused discussion on the details of that particular trauma type or resulting consequences. The trauma diaries section(s) might better serve you for broader, more generalized conversation about your journey and trauma experience. :)