Sufferer I Think I Have Been A Massive Idiot.

[Neverthesame]

How to begin? I guess I will start with where it all started to go wrong.

About 8 years ago, I was training to be an EMT. One night went out with a couple of friends for a little camping trip, at one of those rv parks. I don't feel up to going into a lot of detail about what happened. There was an accident on the highway near where we were camped. I ran to assist, the whole situation went horrific when a drunk driver in a semi trailer crashed into the scene. I was not physically injured in the crash. I saw it coming and managed to run away before the impact. The five people trapped in the car from the first accident, did not survive.

After a few months I began to suffer severe anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks and began tuning out while doing anything that required more than five seconds of concentration. Gave up on the EMT career ambition. Just tried to do odd jobs, and can barely hold those.

Sorry for the wall of text, I'm getting to the point now, I promise.

Why I feel I'm an idiot:

I found that I was being triggered by semi trailers. I read in some psychology magazine somewhere about exposure therapy. So my bright idea was to get a job on a loading dock. Actually worked... Sort of.

Life works in mysterious ways. Doesn't it? I now have found myself in a job that I hate. Now, due to the economy as well as some family issues, I can no longer afford to leave. I am finding that the stress of this is also making my symptoms almost impossible to manage.

I don't know what I wanted from all this. I guess I just had to get this off my chest.

I also hope my grammar is tolerable, it has been some time since I have written anything longer than a shopping list.

Cheers,
Chris.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[JustBe]

Welcome to the forum Chris. I hope you find this a good place to share and begin to heal like I have.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

 

[Jen93]

You're not an idiot. I've been doing what you've been doing as well. In my case, I've been walking half an hour down a highway to get to my bus stop instead of taking the municipal buses which could drop me off at the bus stop which I walk to. They could do it in 20 minutes. So why do I risk my safety and waste my time?

The same reason you do: I was triggered. It's okay to run away when you've been triggered. It is acceptable. Try to expose yourself in small doses. (Maybe look at a picture of a semi-trailer) and it will get better. I applaud you for having a job. Any job. Maybe take up a hobby too if you're unhappy with your jobs. Something you like to do. Play an instrument? Play sports? Read? Write? Do something like that, and then when you feel better, you can try to find another job you like.

Take it slow, no one's asking or expecting you to spring back right away. It's called PTSD which stands for POST TRAUMATIC STRESS Disorder. Which means you've experienced trauma, and you have stress from after the traumatic event. Take care of yourself. Be kind to you. Do what makes you feel safe.

I'm also glad you have started to recognize triggers. It's the first step to processing.

Take care,

Jen

 

[safenow]

Hi Chris,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. What you experienced is horrible. I'm so sorry those people died, but I'm happy you were able to get out of the way. I know for me, when I've been trying to help and others have died, I have carried that with me for a long time. I'm not sure why we do that. Perhaps it is just part of who we are. I hope that makes sense.

It's the pits when we end up in a job that we hate. I feel for you in that regard. I hope something opens up soon so you can switch jobs.

I don't know a lot about exposure therapy. I suffer with PTSD from multiple traumas. I do hope you will contact a therapist in your area who can help you process all you went through. I'm sorry you felt you couldn't go on with the EMT training. You sound like a very caring, action oriented type of person.

Here, you will find lots of wonderful, very supportive people. There is also some great information to be found here. Might I suggest you go to the home page, and read the wiki thread on The PTSD Cup. It can add light to what you are going through right now.

It's nice to meet you. See you around the forum.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Chris and welcome to the forum.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Welcome Chris. Check the forum out. It has loads of incite and learning.

 

[KP the nut]

rv parks

Hi Chris, can you confirm that bt rv you mean recreational vehicle, similar to what in the UK we'd call a motorhome? Please refrain from using abbreviations as what is clear in one country may not be in another.

Thanks

 

[Whitneys story]

Hi and Welcome to the PTSD Forum! Sorry for why you are here, but so glad you are.

You are off to a great start by letting it out. I wish you success on your journey. Hugs if you accept them. Whitney

 

[Neverthesame]

Morning.

In my attempt to keep my post short, I realized that I had left out a few key details.
First off. I was diagnosed with ptsd about 7 years ago. A few months after my accident my mental state had deteriorated quite a bit, I soon after found myself in the psychiatric ward of a local hospital. It was a short stay (only a few hours) but enough to wake me up a bit.
I did group therapy for a while, though sadly. I did not find it worked for me.
I then did one on one with a psychologist for about a year, which did help. But I am still a long way from cured.

I am still working at my "exposure therapy" job. Which has been getting worse and worse over the last few months.
Some of the problems here have been internal company changes, and some have been my own fault.

I had managed to keep my ptsd a secret until about 5 months ago.
I had an incident with a truck driver. Something in his body language. It just triggered me and I lost my temper with him.

I was forced to take mandated counselling, which on one hand, I don't regret. As it kept me employed.
Sadly though, It was too short to do more than stir up a lot of very unpleasant things during a very stressful time.

Hence why I hate my job.

I do apologise for not having been clearer to start with.

To answer a few questions.
Hobbies. I have tried a few things over the years. I can never seem to stick to anything. I find it very difficult to find joy in anything that I do.

Rv parks, my bad. Yes, I did mean recreational vehicle. You would think having lived in both the UK and Canada. I would remember that everyone does not talk the same.

Chris.

 

[Whitneys story]

Chris, There is a lot to say about talking with others that suffer VS therapy. Out of the blue someone will make a comment that resonates. There is a difference of hearing an experience from someone who has lived it. Most therapist learn from a book. The most discerning can't learn the emotional pain by reading a book!