I Think I Have Terminal Ptsd

[Abstract]

I think things do get really bad when trauma is coming up or we are facing hard stuff. I don't think there is any chance of being able to see things accurately when in that place sadly. I too turn against myself badly and that never results in a happy place.

Hang in there. It sounds like you are doing important work.

 

[littlelostchild]

I have really been thinking about my work with my psychiatrist the other day and a chat I had with a friend yesterday. I didn't yet mention a comment that my doctor made. It was like a shove that I wasn't really expecting, but as I have been thinking about it, probably what I needed. He said in response to my comment about having terminal ptsd, after saying that he didn't agree and I told him that he was paid to say that, he said ..."it's like you are saying, 'f*ck you Dr. X. I'm not going to let you help me." I was rather surprised at the time, but in talking with my friend who I think was shocked, her comment to me was, "When have you ever not had the answer or known how to get the answer?" And for me, that was when the penny dropped. That's it, I think.

I have been emotionally self-reliant certainly since I was 6 and probably before that. I don't let others 'help' me because I don't want to let them in at all. A couple of weeks ago, we talked about vulnerability and how I am scared to be vulnerable. So after a year of therapy once a week with this guy (and trust me I have made progress and he is a trauma specialist), I guess it is like saying that - man was he blunt about it, but it did get my attention.

I think it is about not only the anger, but also about the vulnerability and maybe both at the same time. Does that make sense?

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes littlelostchild that makes sense entirely, actually, one infers the other.

I don't think it's about (necessarily only) anger as I can relate to your experiences but don't have the anger (not in a denial way, it's just not present in how I think about 'stuff'), so perhaps that's not the determining factor.

Best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[Only 1 of me]

Lots of us struggle with trust, and therapy should be a safe place to explore. By the time I was 8 I had consciously worked out that it was my job to meet everybody's needs and fix things by denying the existence of my own needs and becoming entirely self reliant. What a remarkable little person I must have been. Unfortunately that 'stubborn, gritted teeth, plough the furrow single handed' attitude required to survive has slowly all but killed me. We have to let people in, even though it's hard, because the fact is you can't do life alone.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Only 1 of me , I think I was (as was one of my sisters) a mirror image of you. A 'remarkable little person' ( to the 'untrained eye'). That's a unique way of putting it though, I never thought of it in those terms. Thank you for that. :hug:

 

[zaniara]

"it's like you are saying, 'f*ck you Dr. X. I'm not going to let you help me." / I don't let others 'help' me because I don't want to let them in at all. A couple of weeks ago, we talked about vulnerability and how I am scared to be vulnerable.

Glad that you're updating. I was wondering how things were going for you. It seems that you have a very good doctor and therapist! Sometimes they have to be very upfront with us, to get our attention yes. Sometimes there is no time to waste on being polite and discrete. :D (My therapist is pretty upfront too.. It's hard sometimes, but good.)

Does that make sense?

It does. (I'm not in a good place tonight, so I can't really find the words, but I just wanted to say it does.)

 

[Kintsugi]

@Only 1 of me , wish I could print that out and give it to my mother. >.< Great way of putting it.

Sounds like your T and you are making progress! Keep us updated!

 

[littlelostchild]

Thank you to everyone for your support as I continue through this difficult time.

So last week we were talking about safety, trust, vulnerability and anger. All things I have mentioned above in various entries. You should also know that my husband attends my sessions with me and that we have been married 28 years (together for 33 - we met when we were 18). Now as you would imagine, we are like well settled puzzle pieces in our relationship and I believe that my psychiatrist is really trying to create some motion. H and I do not argue or show strong emotion - never really have.

The Dr. asked me if I love my H. I went into amygdala highjack - which sounds crazy, but I don't usually tell him that I love him. I said "Of course I love him. (turning to my H, I say,) I love you". Then the Dr. asked if I let him love me? Which made me totally uncomfortable and I started rocking in the chair and poking myself with a pen in the leg. After a bit I answered, "To a point" which I was told is not an answer. He then asked my H if he could speculate about why I might have become so uncomfortable. Which he suggests may be related to the lack of love I received as a child, etc. This was like the culmination of the safety, trust, vulnerability and even anger of our discussion. In my own way, I love my H so much that it terrifies me. The concept on not letting him love me is about the vulnerability, safety, trust and anger along with the layers of feeling unlovable and undeserving of love. I hate myself and can't understand how he can love me. I can't believe that he is still with me, especially since my PTSD has completely pulled the carpet out from under me during the last year and a half.

My homework this week has been to let my H know when I am angry with him, but it would mean bring up old resentment which I am holding and I feel really uncomfortable bringing forward, like I should be over it but I am not. It seems immature. As I became ill, he has really stepped up to help me. I think because I have been so independent, I found a man who matched my need with his own and it worked well for us. He also unintentionally helped reinforced certain perceptions about my self-worth in subtle ways that I am sure he is not aware of because he would never knowingly hurt me. For example, when he was unemployed for 2 and a half years and I was working in a very demanding job that had me away from home 11 hours a day, I had to prepare dinner as soon as I got home from work even though he had been home all day. Of course I should have talked to him about helping out, but I didn't even think about it - I just figured that I should be doing everything even though I was exhausted. I would sometimes wonder why he didn't think about helping me, but then figured it was because I wasn't worth it. You see what I mean.

I can anticipate that the Dr. will not be letting me off the hook as there is important work to be done here. This really cuts to the core.

Be well everyone

 

[littlelostchild]

Deep breath - we are leaving in less than an hour for the nearly three hour drive to the psychiatrist appointment. That gives us lots of time in the car together and my H will ask me what I have been thinking this week and about the homework. I will not lie - there is no point to that at this stage in the game. I must be brave. Deep breath.

 

[littlelostchild]

So it has been a while since I have updated here and lots of things are going on. On the car ride to my appointment when my husband and I were talking about the homework, I briefly mentioned about some old anger, but really skirted the issue and we got into a deep discussion about love - mostly because it had really impacted me the week before. We continued the discussion during the therapy session and I imagine that for non-ptsd folks a discussion about love can be a fun thing, but for me it is not - it is hard work. Our sessions since have been about my perceptions about my being deserving of love, my being lovable, how I view love from others and how I can take risks about love. My homework during the past two weeks has been to tell my husband that I love him - first 3 times a day (week 1 and I was really only able to do it 2 times a day) and this past week 4 times a day which I have mostly been successful with. My husband loves this homework! We have also had to use the evidence technique to explore the statements 'I do not deserve to be loved' and 'I am unlovable' as well as 'love is double edged' and drill down to the core beliefs that drive these perceptions. Phew!

During one of our discussions my husband challenged me so much about why I still believe that I do not deserve to be loved even though we have much evidence for and none against, that I began to dissociate. Thank goodness he attends the sessions and has seen me do this before so that he could calmly remind me to ground myself. I went off so quickly that I had no idea to ground even though I could feel myself pulling further away. He was sooo upset that his challenging me had helped to create that situation, but I told him that we learned how important his suggestion was and we will have something important to discuss when we visit the Dr. this week.

I think my psychiatrist has realized that as much as I need to learn to understand and embrace my 'dark side' (which had been part of our discussion the week I was assigned to show my anger toward my husband), it might be best to begin with embracing my 'bright side' because even that is a huge challenge.

I have promised my husband that if I have SI again that I will tell him. He says that he does not feel protected when I don't tell him about it, he feels hurt that I do not feel that we love each other enough for him to be able to understand that I am in pain and for him to help me. Fair enough, so the promise has been made.

Be well everyone and safe journey

 

[littlelostchild]

Last night was brutal again. The Prazosin didn't work, but the session was tough. We talked about why it is still not easy for me to say 'I love you'. It is much better, but still not easy and we got down to the 'I am bad' belief. It is so hard.

About 6 months before I became so suicidal that I needed to leave work, I started using Play Dough with students as a way to help them get chatting with me. It worked really well with all ages, but I vividly remember the first time I decided to try it. He was a really upset and angry 13 year old. I had bought the dough for a younger student for a different reason, but I was desperate to get this boy doing something to calm him down and get him talking. He looked at the containers like I had 3 heads, but I ignored his reaction and opened one myself. The smell overwhelmingly reminded me of being a young child when I lived at my first house. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and told him that it reminded me of being a little kid. When I opened my eyes, he had opened a jar and was squeezing his blob of dough too. I was so pleased that it had worked that working with him became the focus and the Play Dough became another tool in my bag, but over the next 6 months it came out probably at least 3 times a week. I didn't realize the impact that the smell was having on me, though. I completely skipped over that part - which was absolutely the way I dealt with my triggers and feelings until I could no longer take it anymore. A cluster of situations and that odor all culminated to finish filling my glass to overflowing.

Yesterday my psychiatrist asked me how I can engage the little me. I have a visualization of me as a 9 year old in our second house. I take her outside (she can't stay in the house - not safe) and we quietly cuddle on a big chair outside sometimes. When I take her outside, I need to carry her, she is like dead weight and she won't speak. My P asked me how I would usually work with a child and I had no suggestion, so my husband suggested the Play Dough which lead to the realization above. She refuses the Play Dough, but after whispering many times that there is no point and what's the use, etc - she whispered that the first house should be burned to the ground. That blows my mind.

I am reassuring her all the time - I will take care of her now. Nobody will hurt her like that anymore. But I was unprepared for that level of rage. I know I call her 'she', but I know that she is me. It is very scary!

I have never been violent in my whole life - I am trained in and have for decades used many other methods of non-violent interventions. What the hell is this??

 

[zaniara]

I'm in a very bad Place so can't find so many words. But I recognize my self in your struggles. I think the anger is very healthy. A sign that you are moving forward in your healing.