Not 100% sure if I have ptsd as I'm not diagnosed. My life sounds like a really cheesy horror made for lifetime tv movie, and if someone told me this story I probably wouldn't believe them lol. Have been talking to a freind who is a counselor and she told me she thinks I probably have ptsd and should see a psychiatrist or psychologist. The idea of having a mental illness is horrifying to me. But I'm such a mess that I can no longer deny that *something* is very, very wrong. I'm terrified of psychiatrists and I don't trust them - due to being raised by a Scientologist(yes it is a cult!) and the fact that psychiatrists killed my mother. In Scientology the psychiatrists are the equivalent of Satan. My mom and stepdad were heroin addicts before Scientology - we lived a very transient lifestyle, at one point in a school bus converted to an rv and traveled around. Mom left Scientology and was diagnosed with everything under the sun by new doctors whenever we moved - schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety, bipolar. In and out of mental wards, lots of meds. The last time she went to the hospital I took her there and she was admitted. While there, she fell into a coma. Very slow growing brain cancer lymphoma in right frontal lobe that could have caused many of the mental illness symptoms. She died a slow horrible death. That could have possibly been prevented if caught years earlier.
I had eastern equine encephalitis at age 11. Woke up in hospital, was told I had been in a coma for a week, that I was now fine. I received no follow up care. To this day I have some physical issues that I believe stem from this. Family never discussed entire incident as if it never happened.
After leaving Scientology my stepdad took up alcoholism and cocaine. He legally adopted me at age 13 after biodad signed away his rights. (Saw biodad for second time in my life that I remember at age 13, he offered me pot, I declined and told my mom, then I was suddenly adopted by stepdad). A year later parents divorced, stepdad got custody of my brother and I due to all of mom's mental illnesses, and I replaced my mom. I did try to tell relatives what was going on and was told to stop making things up. Stepdad constantly reminded that I was crazy like my mom whenever I tried to rebel or question things or stop what was going on. So I gave up.We lived a very transient poverty ridden life.
By age 15 I was a full blown alcoholic.
I left home after I somehow amazingly managed to graduate high school, and went to school to become an RN. My poor little brother, who is 11 years younger, moved across the country the day after he graduated high school.
I have tried to live a *normal* life as an adult and managed to pull it off somewhat well here and there. But it has been filled with broken abusive dysfunctional relationships blah blah blah. I seem to be attracted to men who are just like my stepdad. Diagnosed with depression and fibromyalgia age 25. Raised my 2 sons completely alone, no fathers. Got myself off the booze. Age 31 briefly dated a man who turned into a stalker who terrorized me for 6 months and then broke in and tried to kill me in front of my 2 children - I held a gun to his head and that is why I'm alive. He got sentenced to counseling hahaha. And did the same thing to another woman after me.
Tried antidepressants off and on since age 25, they make me murderously psychotic.
I am now smoking a lot of pot. Which actually seems to really help me have some moments of peace and clarity.
I am now 49. Due to the fibro symptoms I am no longer working as a nurse as of 2 years ago, can't handle the stress and having severe memory and concentration problems. Working part time in a freinds thrift store, it's super low stress. II sleep with a tire iron next to me in bed. So I will be safe in case anyone tries to kill me or rape me. Living with my adult sons who know literally nothing about my childhood other than "things were bad, and I had to leave". I finally had to tell them about the fibro when I got really sick 2 years ago and lost my nursing job, my home, and my car. They seem to just be resigned to the fact that mom is batshit crazy and treat me like an elderly lady who has alzheimers - which is humiliating but I'm ok with it because I would literally be homeless without them lol. The fiercely independent strong woman who will not be beaten down or manipulated or abused has failed and crumbled to her knees.
Sorry this was so long. It is 49 years of shit that sounds completely unbelievable, even to me.
I had eastern equine encephalitis at age 11. Woke up in hospital, was told I had been in a coma for a week, that I was now fine. I received no follow up care. To this day I have some physical issues that I believe stem from this. Family never discussed entire incident as if it never happened.
After leaving Scientology my stepdad took up alcoholism and cocaine. He legally adopted me at age 13 after biodad signed away his rights. (Saw biodad for second time in my life that I remember at age 13, he offered me pot, I declined and told my mom, then I was suddenly adopted by stepdad). A year later parents divorced, stepdad got custody of my brother and I due to all of mom's mental illnesses, and I replaced my mom. I did try to tell relatives what was going on and was told to stop making things up. Stepdad constantly reminded that I was crazy like my mom whenever I tried to rebel or question things or stop what was going on. So I gave up.We lived a very transient poverty ridden life.
By age 15 I was a full blown alcoholic.
I left home after I somehow amazingly managed to graduate high school, and went to school to become an RN. My poor little brother, who is 11 years younger, moved across the country the day after he graduated high school.
I have tried to live a *normal* life as an adult and managed to pull it off somewhat well here and there. But it has been filled with broken abusive dysfunctional relationships blah blah blah. I seem to be attracted to men who are just like my stepdad. Diagnosed with depression and fibromyalgia age 25. Raised my 2 sons completely alone, no fathers. Got myself off the booze. Age 31 briefly dated a man who turned into a stalker who terrorized me for 6 months and then broke in and tried to kill me in front of my 2 children - I held a gun to his head and that is why I'm alive. He got sentenced to counseling hahaha. And did the same thing to another woman after me.
Tried antidepressants off and on since age 25, they make me murderously psychotic.
I am now smoking a lot of pot. Which actually seems to really help me have some moments of peace and clarity.
I am now 49. Due to the fibro symptoms I am no longer working as a nurse as of 2 years ago, can't handle the stress and having severe memory and concentration problems. Working part time in a freinds thrift store, it's super low stress. II sleep with a tire iron next to me in bed. So I will be safe in case anyone tries to kill me or rape me. Living with my adult sons who know literally nothing about my childhood other than "things were bad, and I had to leave". I finally had to tell them about the fibro when I got really sick 2 years ago and lost my nursing job, my home, and my car. They seem to just be resigned to the fact that mom is batshit crazy and treat me like an elderly lady who has alzheimers - which is humiliating but I'm ok with it because I would literally be homeless without them lol. The fiercely independent strong woman who will not be beaten down or manipulated or abused has failed and crumbled to her knees.
Sorry this was so long. It is 49 years of shit that sounds completely unbelievable, even to me.
