Sexual Assault I Think I Was Raped - But I'm Devastated That I'm Not "sure"

[EveHarrington]

There is no evidence that she consented but does not remember.

She was clearly intoxicated and too drunk to provide...

I think the point isn't so much blame...I see no blaming the victim.

Until enthusiastic consent and sober consent is a 100% sure thing, women need to protect themselves from predators. I'm not victim blaming. Rather I'm saying these are the parameters of the game, if you want to throw away your defenses, that's your right, but know that there are indeed predators waiting for your inhibitions and defenses to be lowered so they can take advantage of you.

 

[joeylittle]

There is no evidence that she consented but does not remember. She was clearly intoxicated and too drunk to provide consent.

I'm not going to get into a big back and forth here. Just as there is no way of knowing that she did not consent, there is no way of knowing if she did. And that is why it is not victim blaming to:

1) encourage victims to get serious about their own safety

2) re-frame the question. Women (and men) who experience an unwanted sexual encounter need to seek support - whether it was legally rape, morally rape, sex they regretted but tolerated, or any combination thereof.

Labeling it 'rape' does not change anything about how it felt, and how it feels to live with. We often think it will...but whether rape or grey area or no, we will blame ourselves and we will replay events over and over.

So really: stop thinking that giving it the right label will actually make a difference in the healing process.

 

[CSP]

Reading this honestly made me shake. I was away from my boyfriend for 6 months for visa related issues,I had to move to a different place and made new friends at work. We used to always go out together after every shift and I became very good friends with the other bartender (let's call him Matt*), as we used to work long hours together. One night we all went out and I got myself very drunk (we all had the same to drink, but for some reason it seems that it affected me a lot more). My friend's (the manager and Matt* )ended up taking me to their place because I was very very intoxicated, they lived close and it was very normal for everyone to crash in there after parties since we lived in a small town with not many late night transport options, our manager's girlfriend also lived in there so it wasn't like a crazy boy's pad or anything.
Next day I woke up at Matt's bed, my top was on but my pants and underwear off. I got very agitated and woke him up, he promised again and again that nothing had happened, that he put me in the bedroom and stayed with his flatmate in the living room, and that I probably had tried to take my pants off and drunkenly took my undies with it. I honestly didn't seem hurt or touched in any way, and my undies were with my pants. After taking for hours about what happened he kept insisting that he would never had done anything like that to me especially considering the state I was.
This all happened over a year ago and I never mentioned it to anyone. I used to get very depressed abut it and contact Matt looking for a little more reassurance, making him go on and on about everything that happened that night. After moving back I felt no desire to talk to him again, and once when he had a stop over I met him for a drink but I didn't really want to because it brings that awful feeling of uncertainty again. I am so happy with my relationship and I really love my partner, and to think that something could have happened and I don't know honestly kills me inside.
I would hate myself for still being friends with someone who could had done something like that to me, and at the same time there's no point asking again because I will never be sure.
I just don't know how to move forward without knowing. Should I talk to my partner about that night? It's just never the right time and I couldn't stand ruining our relationship.

I just don't know what else to do!