Sexual Assault I Think I Was Raped - But I'm Devastated That I'm Not "sure"

[The Albatross]

Glad you're going to receive professional assistance. You are though skipping a series of other errors in judgment and apparently did not perceive the increasing pressure for sex as a reason to avert the situation by making another decision and removing yourself from the situation. For me it was a definite perceptual and also alcohol issue. For you it may be entirely different.

I chose for myself because it was a repeat theme/pattern... and I was the common denominator... that it was a lesson. My personal choice and it worked for me but as you can see by the activity in the thread... there are various ways to look at the incident. The key is most always getting and finding the viewpoint that is necessary for your emotional wellbeing. That is different in various ways for each of us as individuals.

Following along with your analogy: "If I crash my car into a wall and get hurt it's my fault. I will take responsibility. If someone crashes into me and I get hurt it is not my fault. I made the decision to get into that car and drive it around - but it is not my fault someone crashed into me." For me I came to a different conclusion that is all.

Mine looked like: "If I get in a car and become impaired with alcohol it is my personal responsibility to stop the car and get out before I hurt myself, hurt someone else, or get a consequence for doing so." "If I am in the car with a friend and we are both drunk... the judgment of both are impaired whether I trust them or not and the wise thing to do is still personal responsibility which means, do not drink more, get to a safe place, get out and away from the car til I'm no longer impaired, and assess my relationship with my friend before somebody gets hurt or a consequence because we were both impaired and driving around in a car."

Individual differences in thought... not an assignment of fault.

 

[Chava]

The logic applies here - I made the decision to get drunk with someone I thought was my friend. That did not give him permission to rape me (or "take advantage" of me). It is not my fault.

You chose to hang out with him and drink with him after he made you feel unsafe the night before. You repeated the same set-up. Nobody implied getting drunk = consent. But this would be a hard case for the authorities because you chose to ditch your own boundaries early on. He might have raped you...you just don't know. I don't go back to a bedroom with a guy I don't want to sleep with, especially if he tried to get somewhere earlier...at least there would be a very clear discussion about what happened and where the boundaries are. Your story just makes a very gray and difficult case. Many of us have been there. Yes it's painful and confusing. So all I was trying to say was go forward by looking at what you can change. You can trust people and have boundaries. These things are not the same...like having boundaries does not mean trusting nobody. I'm actually working on this myself, so will admit I don't have it figured out perfectly but I know that's a goal.

You are though skipping a series of other errors in judgment and apparently did not perceive the increasing pressure for sex as a reason to avert the situation by making another decision and removing yourself from the situation.

Agree.

I also agree with not searching for black-and-white blame/fault-finding. You were in a bedroom with him...your fault/choice. You chose to drink with him even when you sensed it wasn't the best idea. If he raped you, that is still not your fault. But you don't know that he raped you. There is no fault. You could go to the police with your story but I'm not sure what you have to go on. It sounds like you want it resolved through finding fault or answers, but that doesn't come without record of what happened. Record shows you allowed very weak boundaries with this person when given the chance and do not know what happened because you blacked out. Black out memories have never come back to me.

 

[Lorena]

Firstly, I'm sorry this is so long. Secondly, I have refrained from detailing my emotions at the time of th...

Yes, you were raped. I strongly recommend that you and anyone else suffering from the guilt and confusion associated with acquaintance rape read Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town by Jon Krakauer. He happens to focus on rapes at the University of Montana but his points are universal and the women he highlights are all going through the same feelings that you are. It is shocking how pervasive this is and how both men and women have trouble reconciling the events with their thoughts on what rape is, because we have all been taught to fear the stranger jumping out of an alley type of rape. In fact, the majority of rapes are acquaintance rapes rather than stranger rapes. You no doubt made choices that you regret, but that doesn't make it your fault and that doesn't make it OK that he raped you. Look at it this way, if one day you forget to lock your front door that wasn't smart but it doesn't make it OK for someone to come in and steal your belongings. All the best.

 

[intheprocess]

 

[Chava]

She said "No" the first time and he backed off. She does not remember the second night because of alcoholic black out.

You no doubt made choices that you regret, but that doesn't make it your fault and that doesn't make it OK that he raped you.

She does not know if she consented or not. Maybe she didn't, or maybe she couldn't (hard to know...I did many things in blackouts, but other times I just passed out, according to friends). This is why this situation became murky. I've been through all kinds of this sort of thing with my drinking and can't say in every uncertain situation that I was raped, because I have no good memory of how it went down if I woke up with missing clothes. It's just not fair to accuse a guy of rape without some information.

I think the education on rape, including acquaintance rape is very important. However, I don't think it's helpful to anyone to turn every extremely gray area into a rape case, IMHO. In my own life it's ultimately been more helpful and healing to look at what was going on with all that gray area...that's usually something I had control over. It didn't excuse assault...but what could I do when I didn't know if I was assaulted but woke up with clothes missing...I'd have no idea if I lowered my own inhibitions, got just plain horny, or said "No" or tried to get away (and memories from blackouts never returned)...the ONLY thing I could do to "heal" or make personal restitution for numerous cases like this was look at my drinking and boundary issues.

The poster mentioned her guilt over cheating but then steered her mind towards being assaulted. It's difficult not to wonder if, after a blackout, it would be easier on one's conscience to believe their horrible feelings were coming from being assaulted and not from cheating (takes away personal responsibility). This is what she said when she was bawling...the first sober memory was of cheating. Then when she got home she cried every day and said it was easier to lie to her boyfriend than tell him what happened. Is it a story that morphed into a different meaning/belief in order to make life back home feel easier? I don't know. But I'd understand that it's all painful, especially the not knowing and likely wanting to assign some meaning that doesn't involve personal responsibility.

This might sound terrible, but I'm pointing that out because in gray areas, like I said, there is a lot of information to comb through. If we miss big pieces, it's easy to repeat the same situations. Trauma survivors do this all the time with their boundaries and recreating trauma in various ways, so I have become quite critical of all the pieces.

I'm not excusing rape. I'm just not excusing "I don't know what happened" in a case like this being lumped into the rape category without more information.

 

[Beech]

The way he attempted to manipulate you into not telling afterwords is a clear sign to me that he had bad intentions and it was rape.

We can sometimes be consensual one minute and crying th next - especially of alcohol if involved. The way for a man to handle that situation is to be supportive and understanding, not tellling you people will think bad of you and mollesting you in your sleep.

 

[Chava]

The way he attempted to manipulate you into not telling afterwords is a clear sign to me that he had bad intentions and it was rape.

I don't see clear signs of anything other than he was afraid of her telling her boyfriend that they had slept together. He could have had any number of reasons to be afraid. Read the original post carefully. It sure is confusing and doesn't warrant many clear answers though I understand that is what the poster wants. Sounds like she started believing she was raped when her boyfriend suggested it. Maybe the details she shared with her boyfriend and her friend were different than what she shared here. But I don't see enough to call it rape. It's not black and white like that.

 

[Zadie]

Alice,

I had a similar experience in that I didn't realize I was raped because I was 13 and too young to understand what had happened. I think that you have to trust your feelings, if you feel like you were raped, you were raped. Trust yourself. It's a shame how common the doubt is and how it can insulates violators from accountability.

I don't know if you have Netflix and have seen Orange is The New Black, but there's an article in Slate about the type of rape experience you had that you may find useful. Unfortunately I cannot post the link.


I hope you will find counseling and find peace.

Zadie

 

[rapedorNot]

Firstly, I'm sorry this is so long. Secondly, I have refrained from detailing my emotions at the time of th...

hi I had the same insident. I was talking to a guy for 3 weeks and decided to go out with him to get some drinks and just chill. he picked me up and it was cool. went to a bar and had a few drinks. watched a game and had some later finnrr. next thing I know he was leaning over to kiss me. I thought he was cute so I allowed. and then we sat there and talked more. then we proceeded to go to the car to go home. but we ended up kissing and one thing lead to another and we started making out. I was alittle In shock cause I remember I told him I just want to be friends. the sex was horrible and I felt disgusted afterwards. he stopped and took me home and then never contacted me till a week later. and guess what he said. that he v was not interested in being friends or gave anything to do with me. I told my ex fiancee a week later cause I felt hurt. he tells me that I must of been raped. and he's forcing me to go to the police. I just want to forget about it and move on. i dont know what to do.... because I'm unsure if it was rape or not. I don't know much about the guy plus afterwards I deleted everything pertaining to him. can anybody can help me..... ?

in answer to your problem. I feel that it was rape but Im not sure myself.

 

[RussH]

but we ended up kissing and one thing lead to another and we started making out. I was alittle In shock cause I remember I told him I just want to be friends. the sex was horrible and I felt disgusted afterwards.

There is nothing in your post that would indicate rape. When did you tell him you just wanted to be friends? At any time while you were making out did you tell him no?
It sounds like, from your post, that the sex was consensual.

 

[dianna m]

Firstly, I'm sorry this is so long. Secondly, I have refrained from detailing my emotions at the time of th...

I think I know how you feel

I experienced something similar, except it only happened once, and I told my boyfriend the next day. I let him convince me into it (part of me also wanted something to happen, because I'm a very sexual person, which is the worst part and the main reason I blame myself) but after a while I asked him to stop, which he did, but I still had to swat his hands off of me for a while until he got the hint.

We weren't drunk, neither of us, but it was a sleepover party and I was having so much fun that I didn't want to just go to sleep..

After that I felt shocked and confused. I loved my boyfriend, I still do, so how could I have done something like that with someone else? When I asked him what now he said "we pretend nothing happened" and he begged me to tell no one, or at least as few as I can, because he had some sort of authority over me (he was two years older than I was) and he didn't want to get kicked out because of our 'incident'.

I still get the flashbacks and shivers at the sound of his name, and reading that part of your story made me cry. I still feel guilty, for being so stupid and giving in to him and to my stupid physical desires at the time.

That's why I came here. That's why I look up "was I raped?" on google every once in a while. Because I don't know either. And I can't stand the fact that I don't know how to label that night, because I mainly see it as the night in which I willingly cheated on my boyfriend.

My boyfriend doesn't like to think about it that way. He doesn't like talking about it. Who can blame him? But I feel like I need to know, and I need to hear it from someone neutral.

I just want to know

 

[joeylittle]

after a while I asked him to stop, which he did, but I still had to swat his hands off of me for a while until he got the hint.

I'm only asking for clarification: so this person stopped the sexual activity when you said you wanted it to stop, and then resumed with groping and you had to push him off for awhile until he finally understood and stopped for good?