I Think More Flashbacks Are Coming

[Heather]

I'm really having a hard time. I think more flashbacks are coming and I'm trying NOT to panic but it's not working. It's the same awful feeling that I had when the last one happened. When I remembered my father on top of me.....

The same feeling of terror and the tears that don't stop. I had the same feeling the other day but the fb didn't come. I feel shaky and awful right now. I don't want to know anymore. I feel like I can't handle this. Like I'm going to split in two. This is all too much to handle.

 

[Nyx]

Heather, are you in therapy? Did you learn any grounding techniques? If not, maybe you should talk to your T about learning some... For the moment, here's a [DLMURL="http://www.psychologytools.org/ptsd.html"]site[/DLMURL] where you can find some resources. Download the documents and read them, see what helps you when the moment comes.

Take care.

 

[jadebear]

Sorry you're having such a hard time Heather.

I so totally understand what you're going through. For me, just going with the flow is best, rather than trying to prevent the flashbacks or worrying about having more of them.

I've also found that it's best to just rest and pretty much not do anything that's not absolutely necessary until I'm in a better state of mind.

 

[Heather]

Heather, are you in therapy? should talk to your T .

Thanks Nyx. My therapist is useless when it comes to this. Last time he just said, "what do I do? What do I say?" What an incompetent. My sexual assault counselor gave me grounding techniques. And I looked at that site you gave me added it to my fav's. I JUST HATE FEELING THIS WAY!

He's actually NOT that bad I'm just in a vile mood right now.

Thanks JB. It helps to know that I have support because being in so much pain right now really does SUCK A$$! The tears won't stop!

 

[Heather]

I don't know what just happened but I'm REALLY freaking out! I'm taking deep breaths. But trying not to completely lose it is really hard.

I was watching a movie and I heard this man say (in a really creepy voice) "ollie, ollie oxen free" the woman in the movie had opened the closet door and was looking at the coats and when I heard the voice I wondered why she didn't react. Nothing. That's when I realized it WASN'T coming from the t.v.

I looked outside the window - NO one there. No one in the hallway of my apt. I immedately start to panic and cry. I feel so gross and "icky". And then I realize this voice had to be coming from inside my head.

Can you have auditory flashbacks? Is there such a thing? AAAuuuggghhhh. What is going on?!

I vascillate between feeling completely numb one second to being completely hysterical the next. Can anyone else relate? I feel like a lunatic. HELP.

 

[Heather]

I've also found that it's best to just rest and pretty much not do anything that's not absolutely necessary until I'm in a better state of mind.

I'm taking your advice JB. I'm pretty much comatosed these days.

 

[savvybeachbum]

Heather, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! Do you keep a journal? It might just help you to right down your feelings about your flashbacks, how they make you feel and what not. I'm sure it would help your therapist understand you a little bit more as well. Please don't let that pathetic excuse for a father (remember my dad was my abuser too) own you (or your thoughts) even still today, you can overcome this, you're never alone!! Peace & love sweetie :hug:

 

[Heather]

Thanks savvy:). This is swiftly becoming an all to familiar scenario of this time last year. I can literally feel my body shaking inside. Is there such a thing of seasonal PTSD? 'cause I think I have it haha.....well it would be funny if I wasn't serious. I just want to cry.

 

[Lionheart]

This is swiftly becoming an all to familiar scenario of this time last year. Is there such a thing of seasonal PTSD? 'cause I think I have it

Heather, you may be having an "Anniversary Reaction." These can come at certain times of the year, when you are subconsciously reminded of the originating trauma(s). (I have an anniversary reaction in the fall of the year when the leaves begin falling off of the trees, it makes me want to cry ...a lot).

By the way, I am sorry that you are having such a tough time. Feel free to message me anytime if you need to talk to someone about things.

 

[Heather]

"Anniversary Reaction.

It really doesn't correlate with any incidents of my abuse. It just happens to be that this time last year I was spiraling down so badly that by July I admitted myself into the hospital.

Thanks I will pm you on the main forum:). That means a lot.

 

[savvybeachbum]

Seasonal PTSD could be possible, we all experience it differently. Aww I hope you don't cry :( **HUGS** to you Heather!!

 

[Powder]

Yes, Heather, my FB was just auditory. But then what happened next came visual and auditory, but I was seeing it from the ceiling, and I saw that the body that was me was lying there almost lifeless as I was out of it, and heard it whimper when I tried to get back into it.

I read online that CSA flashbacks are often just physical sensations(tactile), auditory, or visual; some have shared that they started just one sense and the other senses joined up later to make more sense for them. I believe that the memories get fragmented and stored in different ways and parts of the brain to make access to them more difficult as a survival mechanism.

Heather, what you are going through is not abnormal, but you can exert some control over it all. Your mind is your own. I encourage you to watch your thoughts and to not allow your thoughts to go near your past or father for a while to take a break from the memories. They are not serving you right now; it's time to allow yourself to feel good, better, and to appreciate your strengths and take control of your present. Re-experiencing abuse is not beneficial to you right now. I wish I had more help to offer you today. But I want you to know I'm in the same boat, and I encourage you to keep busy and don't isolate yourself totally but stay away from people (and movies) that can be or are triggers or even reminders.

Muse