I Think My Roommate May Very Well Be A Narcissist. Advice Needed.

[Flowers In Bloom]

I just moved into a new, shared apartment about a month and a half ago. I noticed a number of issues before agreeing to rent the space, which I immediately addressed with my roommate, but since then these issues have continued to surface in other ways.

I've been friend-like to my roommate. I'm kind, warm, very helpful and generous towards her. At first, she was demonstrative in her appreciation of me and all that I do for her. Still, on the other hand, I notice that her remarks and behavior to and towards me are mean, passive-aggressive, controlling, hypocritical, exploitive, and deceptive. It's an every day occurrence now.

She takes these subtle jabs at me whenever her mood is sour. I know that she is projecting a lot of her crap on me and then tries to hold me responsible for it in this way. It's also part of the reason she constantly asks me for advice, i.e., what to do about such and such situation, how to handle such and such situation, etc. She talks about herself and her problems to no end.

I also get the sense (not yet fully substantiated) that she is vengeful and that a perceived slight to her ego will be met with quiet retaliation (fabricated, mean statements) towards me.

I believe her to be insecure and intimidated by me. In her mind, I'm someone that she can use.
More recently, in the moment it was happening, I confronted her about the things she said to me, but got no acknowledgement or response from her. I thought I could handle the situation, but last night she triggered me big time, and since then I've been feeling a tremendous amount of rage towards her.
In fact, she reminds me now of my mother who is a psychopathic narcissist.

Initially, I thought I’d address the issues that I’m having with her, but given my past experiences with narcissists and psychopaths, I don’t know for certain that it’s a good idea. In fact, I’m beginning to think that it is a potentially damaging (to me) approach. Perhaps, I should just pull out of the friend-like relationship I have with her (without explanation) and keep our interaction superficial and limited.
I’d appreciate input from people that understand and have (or have had) dealings with similar sorts of people.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that is probably your best bet-----to keep things cordial, but on a more acquaintance type level rather than a true friendship. My mother and grandfather are/were narcissistic, so I know the "game" all too well. Unfortunately there is no changing these people, no matter what you do. They will always be right and will never admit to fault. I've found that the only real strategy in dealing with these types of people is to withdraw. (I've done that with my mother as I can't take any more of her narcissistic crap.)

 

[Justmehere]

What kinds of things are you doing for her?

 

[Chosen]

narcissists are so hard to deal with. there's a person in my life like that right now, and gosh, I want to punch her so bad. But I don't. I'm sorry that you have to live with her! that must be so hard!

 

[Queen Boudica]

If you think she is a narcissist then move out. Why put yourself through that? Trust your gut feeling. You don't have to be with her. She is not family, she is a room mate and it may be hard but moving out is easier than living with it.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

@Justmehere: Your question is a big trigger for me.

I like the advice to withdraw from the relationship and keep it strictly about living in the same quarters.
I've also decided to quietly start looking for a new apartment.

Yes, I've been wanting to strip her naked verbally, but common sense says she'll get off on it, so I won't do it.

I've recently severed ties with both my mother and my father. They're very damaging people.

I thought I broke free of these types of people, though, so it's disheartening that it's happening all over again.

Right now, there's an issue with the mail box key, and despite promising that she'd speak to the landlord about it, she has not. She is also giving me the silent treatment (another big trigger).

Get out for sure, I'm thinking.

 

[Justmehere]

I get the feeling that you may be doing too much for her... And everything you write seems to indicate its best to move out.

I lived with a narcissist roomate - I stayed and got sucked in to doing too much at times and then nothing at all... It ended badly. I was happy when I moved out.

No roommate is perfect, but a roommate who only thinks of themselves is a disaster in the making.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Unfortunately having grown up with narcissists we are prone to become victims of other narcissists. You are being strong, you are recognising the behaviour that is what you need. Always trust your gut and cut them out of your life.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

What about this? I was never given a key to the mailbox. When I first moved in, I was promised a key to the mail box, but I never received it. Last night I spoke to my roommate again about the key and she promised to speak to the landlord today. When she returned home from work today, I asked her about it and she told me that she still has not spoken to the landlord. I asked her to please speak to him tonight and she completely ignored me. Even worse, it is also possible that she had my key in her possession this entire time and is just lying to me. My blood is really starting to boil thinking about it. I don't want to get too involved wit her anymore, but I'd like to protect my privacy (access to my own mail vs. someone else retrieving it for me), so I'd like to know if I should withhold rent as a way of getting my mailbox key? I don't want to escalate the situation , but I don't want to be exploited, etiher. An hour or so ago, I just started looking for a new apartment, but I can't move out until March 2015, anyway (given our lease agreement).

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

@Lizio I thought cutting out my family from my life would do the trick and I wouldn't come into contact with these types of people ever again; but unfortunately for me, it seems that everywhere I turn, I either meet deeply disturbed people or crazy people.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Oh they are everywhere. Trick is to recognise it as you are doing and to just put up real strong boundaries and cut them out. No point in anger or reacting with them, they love it. Hard to do.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

Thank you.