I Think My Roommate May Very Well Be A Narcissist. Advice Needed.

[digger]

I asked her about it and she told me that she still has not spoken to the landlord.

Can you ask the landlord yourself for it?

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

She prefers to keep sole contact with the landlord, but I did think of approaching and simply asking for it myself. This morning, however, my roommate approached me and said that the last time she spoke to the landlord (which was three days ago) she (the landlord) said that she'd remove the mail for the other tenants (which she hasn't been doing [sometimes mail sits in the mail box for more than five days before she retrieves it] and it is feels to me also to be an invasion of privacy). My roommate says she wants to give it a week before she approaches the landlord again with the request for the key. I agreed to it because it appears reasonable.

Still, I think dealing with a roommate (that I believe to be a narcissist) is difficult for me because when she starts acting normal again there are parts of me that start to doubt myself again and I think, well maybe I got it all wrong and maybe she isn't as awful as I originally thought her to be. For me, this is the biggest danger -- the self-doubt, self-blame, etc.

My experiences with narcissists is that beneath reasonable or even honest remarks and behavior hides self-serving agenda.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

@Justmehere Based on your own roommate experience, are there any specific remarks or behaviors or patterns that I should be on the lookout for with my roommate? I'm hoping that if I keep conversation very limited with my roommate, I'll manage until I find a new place.

@Lizio Strong boundaries as in only discuss that which relates specifically to the apartment and is really important and and keeping my private life under lock and key?

 

[Edina]

Don't invest anything in a narcissist, not an emotion, not resources, not anything. Keep as much distance as possible between you and them, and NEVER EVER hurt their feelings or seem threatening to their egos. Make them believe you are on their side. Always.

Get out.


Hug.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

True. It's good advice. I appreciate this forum because it provides me with the opportunity to engage people that actually make sense. It's quite refreshing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You're feeding into her narcissistic tendencies by bowing down to her desire to be the only one who contacts the landlord? WHY? You're on the lease, you have a right to contact the landlord. Screw your roommate. She is controlling you by saying SHE must be the only one who contacts the landlord. Do it yourself. You're not a child who needs to be controlled. You have a legal right to contact the landlord yourself and get your own key.

I agree with the others who say its not a matter of simply kicking narcissists out of your life. You've been groomed to accept narcissistic behavior, so when other people see red flags and run the other direction, you're more prone to ignore those flags and move forward with that person. I think this is evident in the fact that you saw flags before moving in but decided to move in anyway.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

I'm not on the lease. My contract is with my roommate.

I realize she's being controlling, and there was one time when I went to one of the owners of the building about the key (my roommate tells me that a brother and sister own the building -- one lives on the second floor and the other lives on the ground floor), and she ("the upstairs owner") lied to me and told me that she doesn't have the mail box key and that the owner downstairs is the only one that has it. (She later produced the key when my roommate spoke to her.) These people all speak Chinese (and almost no English), so it's nearly impossible for me to develop a relationship of my own with them, or communicate properly with them. They don't appear to be the most honest people, either, obviously. By the way, there's something sketchy, I think, about my roommates relationship to the landlord(s), but I don't know what it is.

I get the bit about treating me like a child, because even as an adult and despite all my accomplishments, my parents insist on treating me that way, too. I'm actually a very assertive, outspoken, insightful person -- a big part of the reason I was targeted by my parents as a child for the abuse. They wanted to shut me up, break me down, and destroy me.

I'm going to sit on the idea about approaching the downstairs owner. I didn't want to get into an argument with my roommate this morning because I don't want to escalate the situation. I am determined to maintain emotional distance from my roommate and the situation so that I have clear perspective.

My experience with people, in general, is that the average person is f*cking nuts. I've said this before, I know, but it's been either deeply disturbed or seriously psychotic. I ignored the red flags with my roommate because I see them everywhere. By the way, in a similar vein, it took me over a year to finally find a normal, competent therapist.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

I just went and spoke with the downstairs owner/landlord and was fed a bunch of conflicting information (lies). Basically, they don't want to give me a key. My conclusion, all the people that live in this building (me being the exception) are nuts.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Have you discussed these issues about your room mate with your therapist? She maybe would be able to guide you.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

I spoke with my therapist briefly by telephone this afternoon and at this point (to be further discussed when I see her in a few days) she thinks that it's a manageable situation because I am not dealing with a family member.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

I'm still really struggling with the situation.

Last night, my roommate arrived back at the apartment (with her boyfriend) at approximately 9:30 PM. She asked me a couple of questions and I lied in my responses to her (part of my strategy for dealing with her now). I went to bed at 10:30 PM and about 15 minutes later I hear very loud talking and banging noises outside of my bedroom. (A similar situation occurred a few days after I moved into the apartment and I spoke to my roommate about it and she promised it wouldn't happen again.) I waited for a few minutes to regain my composure and also determine if the noise would stop, but it didn't so I finally left my bedroom and went into the living room area. A side note: the apartment is small and the walls are thin and we agreed that we would both be careful about keeping the noise volume down to a minimum before I agreed to rent the space. I even purchased a sound machine, which I now use, prior to moving into the apartment. When I came out of my bedroom, I saw that she had called in the landlord to make miscellaneous, insignificant repairs to the apartment that could have waited for another more appropriate time. For instance, the landlord was banging a nail into the wall so that she could hang up a huge, really tacky, even creepy calendar in the kitchen area (which I don't agree to). I immediately told her that this was not an appropriate time to do this type of work, etc., and that she should reschedule with him for the following day or some other time when it wouldn't be disruptive to me. She acted like her behavior was normal, and came back with a few responses feigning ignorance that what she was doing was so completely inconsiderate. The landlord left on his own accord when he saw I that I had a problem with what was going on.

I also found out her boyfriend (who she has in the past been complaining about incessantly and swore she was dumping last week) has a copy of the keys to the apartment. A couple of weeks ago, I discussed with her getting a spare set of keys for the apartment for emergencies, and she said she's never done that before.)

She's also now using the shared living space (i.e., the living room area) as storage for personal belongings and it's beginning to look like a dumping ground.

I intend to speak to her tonight about these issues. I intend to be very matter of fact in my speech. (I am concerned that she will up the ante, though.) I would like to know if it ever works to also throw out passing, mean remarks to a narcissist (like she's been doing to me) without getting emotionally involved in any of it. For instance, I don't want that horrible, monster-sized calendar hanging in the living room (it's in Chinese, anyway), so is it poor strategy to tell her, I don't want it in the living room, it's ugly, and then say like you.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

One more thing: My roommate just sent me a text telling me that she left the mailbox key in such and such place. (I don't know how an ongoing issue was somehow so easily resolved and it's suspicious to me.) Typically, my interactions with people are warm and kind and friendly and generous, but I'm thinking now that I shouldn't even respond to her text at all. I have been met by devastation after devastation in my life because of these types of people and I would like to put an end to it. I think I need a step by step guide on how to deal with these people.