alexabroad
New Here
Hey there. I'm Alex. I was diagnosed with PTSD a little more than two years ago after I was assaulted. I was in university and studying abroad at the time, so at first I was so focused on finishing the term that I didn't realize how bad things were and thought it was all just initial processing. Once I got home and couldn't manage to go to class I got back into therapy and started seeing my psychiatrist again, but it still didn't really sink in as an important diagnosis.
I had problems with OCD tendencies, panic attacks, and severe anxiety as well as depression before my trauma, so most of the changes that came along with it I just attributed to those conditions getting worse. Even when things were really severe and new for me (vivid flashbacks and nightmares, hyper vigilance and agoraphobia, etc), I wasn't in a place to think about what PTSD meant to me.
Over time and with therapy and a lot of work, the most severe symptoms got better. I graduated, I moved abroad to teach English as a second language in Thailand, and things were really looking great. Things are still good. But now that the dust has really settled and the excitement of a new place has worn off, I'm starting to take stock of the ways that PTSD still affects me and realizing that it touches my life every day. I have trouble getting through the day without being exhausted. Even though I can get through the work I need to do, I constantly feel fatigued and have difficulty finding the motivation to do anything "extra," even if it's something I'd enjoy. I have a lot of anxiety about being able to control my surroundings, and unfortunately my only effective coping mechanism is just to ride the waves out. It's a little intense right now because I'm in a foreign country and it's impossible for me to understand everything around me as I'm not fluent in Thai. A reoccurring anxiety/paranoia of mine is when meetings are held in Thai by members of my school I worry intensely that they're discussing my termination or something else like that, which is rationally not at all happening. I always go to the worst case scenario in an intense way and just have to make my peace with it before I can move on.
All of these things are parts of my life that I just lived with, but lately I've been reconsidering how seriously I should take my PTSD. Recently I was in a vehicle accident and since then I've been having difficulty using transportation. I'm not actually unable to do it, but it stresses me out and I just... it just feels like my reactions to things that are difficult aren't really mine anymore. In the immediate aftermath of my trauma, it was easy to attribute the new way I reacted to and processed things to my condition because I felt so different all of the time. But now I mostly feel like myself and it's hard coming to terms with the fact that I have changed and that I don't handle things the same way I used to, even though I feel like I've really come to terms with what happened to me.
I never expected to really get better. Right now I'm so much more myself than I ever thought I'd be, because for a long time I felt like a completely different person and I was terrified of ever even being functional again in a sustainable way. Now I'm living out a lot of the dreams I didn't think I'd accomplish, traveling extensively and having a pretty interesting life... but I can't fully enjoy it in the ways I thought I would. I'm okay with that, really, I just wish I had access to therapy right now to make it easier. Some counseling would be ideal, but considering where I am and the lack of English resources (or financial resources) available to me, I wanted to reach out in some way and maybe get some support outside of my friends and family back home. Not only are we several timezones away, but it's hard to burden them with the difficult parts of my life when they already worry about me being in a new place and don't really understand the condition to begin with.
So that's me. Hi. I'm hoping this helps me feel less alone.
I had problems with OCD tendencies, panic attacks, and severe anxiety as well as depression before my trauma, so most of the changes that came along with it I just attributed to those conditions getting worse. Even when things were really severe and new for me (vivid flashbacks and nightmares, hyper vigilance and agoraphobia, etc), I wasn't in a place to think about what PTSD meant to me.
Over time and with therapy and a lot of work, the most severe symptoms got better. I graduated, I moved abroad to teach English as a second language in Thailand, and things were really looking great. Things are still good. But now that the dust has really settled and the excitement of a new place has worn off, I'm starting to take stock of the ways that PTSD still affects me and realizing that it touches my life every day. I have trouble getting through the day without being exhausted. Even though I can get through the work I need to do, I constantly feel fatigued and have difficulty finding the motivation to do anything "extra," even if it's something I'd enjoy. I have a lot of anxiety about being able to control my surroundings, and unfortunately my only effective coping mechanism is just to ride the waves out. It's a little intense right now because I'm in a foreign country and it's impossible for me to understand everything around me as I'm not fluent in Thai. A reoccurring anxiety/paranoia of mine is when meetings are held in Thai by members of my school I worry intensely that they're discussing my termination or something else like that, which is rationally not at all happening. I always go to the worst case scenario in an intense way and just have to make my peace with it before I can move on.
All of these things are parts of my life that I just lived with, but lately I've been reconsidering how seriously I should take my PTSD. Recently I was in a vehicle accident and since then I've been having difficulty using transportation. I'm not actually unable to do it, but it stresses me out and I just... it just feels like my reactions to things that are difficult aren't really mine anymore. In the immediate aftermath of my trauma, it was easy to attribute the new way I reacted to and processed things to my condition because I felt so different all of the time. But now I mostly feel like myself and it's hard coming to terms with the fact that I have changed and that I don't handle things the same way I used to, even though I feel like I've really come to terms with what happened to me.
I never expected to really get better. Right now I'm so much more myself than I ever thought I'd be, because for a long time I felt like a completely different person and I was terrified of ever even being functional again in a sustainable way. Now I'm living out a lot of the dreams I didn't think I'd accomplish, traveling extensively and having a pretty interesting life... but I can't fully enjoy it in the ways I thought I would. I'm okay with that, really, I just wish I had access to therapy right now to make it easier. Some counseling would be ideal, but considering where I am and the lack of English resources (or financial resources) available to me, I wanted to reach out in some way and maybe get some support outside of my friends and family back home. Not only are we several timezones away, but it's hard to burden them with the difficult parts of my life when they already worry about me being in a new place and don't really understand the condition to begin with.
So that's me. Hi. I'm hoping this helps me feel less alone.
