I Told My Therapist I Need To Be In The Hospital

[Justmehere]

Thank you @FindingMyself88

I'm so confused by the way people have responded to me off-line the past few days. I think there is something I need to really look at about myself.

I tried to call my T. I tried and I couldn't get myself to do it. I wrote her things to tell her on Monday. For some reason, I get weird about calling her on the weekends, or anytime outside of business hours. She encourages it, says it is ok, she tells me this so often it's getting silly, but I just couldn't get my head to do it. So I will call her first thing on Monday and I'm going to read her most of what I posted in this thread. She knows I am "connected to a group of people with PTSD online" and that I don't want her to know where. (She is very supportive of it.)

I did go to the ER. I was able to tell them I was "not feeling safe to myself" and that I had a lot of anxiety from PTSD. They gave me Ativan, but anything sedating scares me. So they offered me Ativan to take home with me. I still haven't taken it. The feeling of being sedated is a whole other trigger... The ER also offered a psych eval, and the therapist came, and gave me a form to fill out and left. She never came back. The ER doc handed me discharge papers while I was waiting for her to come back. I started to cry and freak out. He said I had to leave or security would be called "since you refuse to be calm." I was so baffled. I almost screamed that I needed help. But I think my refusal of Ativan just made me look manipulative or attention seeking. :/

I feel really bad about it. Really ashamed. It's hard to even share it here. My therapist and friends all say I am "so independent" (my therapist and even my friends don't see it as always a good thing.) I had to have some scary medical tests this week, and I think once I got through it all, I have put on an unintentional air of being more ok than I really am. My T has offered to write a letter explaining my diagnosis - what I have and do not have, and how doctor's area trigger, and what helps. I could give this to doctors so they could understand better. Part of my trauma comes from a family member who's day job was being a doctor. As an adult, I worked in a hospital for a short while and was attacked in one. So hospitals and doctors scare me. I think I need that letter...

A friend of mine texted me Friday night in the middle of everything. She deals with an eating disorder that is very tough at times. She was admitted on Thursday. I didn't know until she texted me on Friday night. I texted her back things to encourage her. Somehow, it's so easy to find hope for someone else. It also slowed me down... If I am going to tell her something, but not believe it for myself, or at least try, it sort of makes me a hypocrite. So somehow, encouraging her helped encourage me. Maybe that's really unhealthy in some way... it helped me get out of my head though and stop being so hard on myself.

I'm trying to not see this as just a failure, but a chance to learn.

The thoughts and urges are still there but lessening. My sweet dog and this forum is what got me through the past two days. Setbacks stink.

I am very grateful for you all.

 

[Anarchy]

:hug: it's good to know that you are safe, feeling safer, and that you are back typing.

That inner critic which we have is a complete ******* to us. Big hug.

 

[joeylittle]

The ER also offered a psych eval, and the therapist came, and gave me a form to fill out and left. She never came back. The ER doc handed me discharge papers while I was waiting for her to come back. I started to cry and freak out. He said I had to leave or security would be called "since you refuse to be calm." I was so baffled. I almost screamed that I needed help. But I think my refusal of Ativan just made me look manipulative or attention seeking. :/

I don't want to be triggering to you, so feel free to ignore this question if it's upsetting: I'm wondering, did the therapist take the eval form and not come back or had she not taken the form and not come back? Also, did you tell the ER doc you were waiting on the therapist?

Having that letter from your therapist sounds like a very good idea.

And I don't think that encouraging your friend and finding that you are also helped by it is bad in the least. It's actually really good. That whole thing of "what would you say to someone else in your position" can be hard, but actually being able to help someone in a similar situation can make it really clear that you can give yourself at least that same level of patience and support.

I'm really glad to read you are coming out the other side of this particular tunnel you were just in. :hug:

 

[FindingMyself88]

:hug: I am extremely thankful to hear from you!

I am sorry the hospital gave you a hard time. But I am glad you went and sought help of some sort, that took courage. As for the Ativan, have you ever tried it in pill form? For me it is not sedating, but then again I have a rather high tolerance for meds. Maybe you could take it right before you lay down to go to bed, so you are already trying to go to sleep, so that if it does make you sleepy, maybe it won't be triggering? I know it is long acting, so taking it at night, it should still help some in the morning.

Please do contact your therapist on Monday. If needed, do it before. I think your T would be proud of you for reaching out to her.

Hug your pup extra tight and know that we are all here for you :hug:.

 

[Justmehere]

I talked to my therapist. She said she would be more worried if I wasn't so panicky about my suicidal thoughts.

I don't understand. It's like every other thought. I won't let myself go in parts of my house and I threw away all of something so it's harder to act. But all I can think of is doing the very thing I'm in a panic to try stop. I don't know what is going on with me.