Relationship I triggered my girlfriend due to my job loss grief

[Joenot1368]

Hello. My (currently ex) girlfriend (whom i have been with for 3 years) suffers from PTSD from a prior 20 year relationship with an emotionally abusive husband. Her ex and she had 3 kids together and I have grown very close to them, and then me.
2 months ago I lost a job at a company I was at for 22 years. I also suffer from depression and anxiety. The job loss was something of a shock to my system and it through me into an episode of depression. During the first few weeks of the depression cycle I became more and more resentful of my prior employer and started to not be so nice to be around. It culminated when I fell into a deeper depression and hit bottom with thoughts of suicide (I have been in therapy and medicated for several years). I just hit bottom. At this point I said and acted mean to my girlfriend. Due to things I said (lashing out at her unreasonably i know)
and my raising of my voice, her PTSD was triggered. She immediately shut down and said she needs to walk away because “we are both broken”. That triggered my abandonment/anxiety reflex and it began a push pull cycle that went on for several weeks. I absolutely take ownership of my behavior due to the depression and anxiety and abandonment (suffered due to an unavailable mother) issues. I felt and feel horrible and I remain depressed. As I said above we were together for 3 years and truly it was the best relationship of both of our lives (I’m 50 shes 42). Her kids looked at me as a father figure (their father lost all parental rights due to abuse) my kids and her kids loved each other and everyone commented on how happy we both were (and we were) .
the final straw for my girlfriend was when I showed up at her home because i thought talking in person would solve it (we had not seen each other during this span). In hindsight I know that was not a smart move given her PTSD and need to feel safe. I feel horrible in that my depression and anxiety are triggering her PTSD and then her shitting down is triggering my depression and anxiety. Yes, it’s been a cycle of crisis. We were planning on getting married this year. We made each other so happy. Her kids felt safer when i was at their home and now they see I scared their mom and that has scared them). It’s awful i know. But it Truly is neither of our faults. It was a perfect storm if you will.
she has now cut all contact with me. I am Respecting that but it is torture. We literally never fought during the 3 years and we were happy with each other and for each other.
i know it sounds bleak and that I ahlild just walk away but she really is the love of my life and I hers. That being said she has completely shut down and I assume interprets my out of the norm anxious behavior as a trigger which threw her into flashbacks (forgive me if I’m not using correct terms- I’m really trying to learn about PTSD to support but it’s very new to me).
Is it possible if we give each other space and time things can reverse themselves or is this a lost cause. She is in therapy now (just started) and I am In my own therapy. It sounds like we are a train wreck couple but I assure You this crisis was the first we even fought. I’m devastated. I am Still not working and have lost my best friend and worst of all I have hurt and scared and triggered her to this place deeply enough to really cut all contact and blocking me. I accept responsibility and support the no contact but I still have some hope. At this point in my life after finding each other it would be a tragedy of sorts to lose her and she and her kids lose me. Sorry if this is rambling. I’m very sad. Thanks for anyone’s help or guidance.

 

[Sweetpea76]

So let me ask you this?

You took responsibility for your mental health... You owned what you did, sought treatment, worked on managing it, etc?

So why shouldn’t she?

It always gets to me when supporters come on here feeling ate up with guilt for “triggering” their partners. You didn’t trigger her... she was triggered. It is her responsibility to deal with her reactions to the world around her.

You had a crisis in your life, and you had a hiccup in your mental health. You’re only human. Stop feeling guilt for that.

The first step in dealing with this is to stop being the whipping boy for her mental health issues. You’re going to set yourself up to be a doormat forever. You’re allowed to have feelings, tough times, stress, and mental health hiccups too, even if you’re the “healthy one”.

 

[Joenot1368]

So let me ask you this?

You took responsibility for your mental health... You owned what you did, sought treatment, worked on managing it, etc?

So why shouldn’t she?

It always gets to me when supporters come on here feeling ate up with guilt for “triggering” their partners. You didn’t trigger her... she was triggered. It is her responsibility to deal with her reactions to the world around her.

You had a crisis in your life, and you had a hiccup in your mental health. You’re only human. Stop feeling guilt for that.

The first step in dealing with this is to stop being the whipping boy for her mental health issues. You’re going to set yourself up to be a doormat forever. You’re allowed to have feelings, tough times, stress, and mental health hiccups too, even if you’re the “healthy one”.

I can’t thank you enough for your quick and thoughtful reply. You are correct logically I wish I could not latch on to the guilt. i was in a really good mental hospital for 4 day’s last month and my meds and everything was reset. I know most of this exists only in my troubled brain. I’m not boasting but I’ve been relatively successful in life and am or was considered Intelliigent and compassionate. I guess Part of it is how incredibly fast she turned and it hit right in the midst of my crisis. And my depression and abandonment just made things worse and now she has cut me out of her life and her kids life. So I am grieving 4 losses and yes you are right unreasonably putting it all on me. Thank you so much. Your words mean a lot and I am Trying

I even Offered to go to couples counseling because like i said it truly was this acute event or series of events over 6 weeks. We really were best friends. I know People say that a lot. I Also may sound like I’m idealizing her but I assure You it was the most rewarding and actually healthiest (up to last month) relationship of my life with a partner.
My head is having trouble getting its arms around all of this I know. But yes my condition and current life situation doesn’t make patience and self esteem flow freely
thanks so much

 

[Sweetpea76]

You’re not going to be able to say the right magic words or do the right magic thing to make her come back around. What you can do is prove that you respect her boundaries by giving her the space she asked for. You’re already working on your mental health. That’s all you can do. She’s the one who has to manage her own issues.

 

[Joenot1368]

You’re not going to be able to say the right magic words or do the right magic thing to make her come back around. What you can do is prove that you respect her boundaries by giving her the space she asked for. You’re already working on your mental health. That’s all you can do. She’s the one who has to manage her own issues.

Thanks for the response. I am giving space now. I am embarrassed as to how hard it’s been, frankly. Not that this is an excuse but it was literally a snap from one person I knew and loved for 3 years and then a stranger. Literally in a moment. But I guess that’s the nature of the beast called PTSD isn’t it? Here is another excuse but not a good one - I had some pretty major abandonment issues stemming from childhood. Also, her expression of love was very excessive. Tons of positive affirmations and you’re great and our love is forever. The week before the initial crisis, she wrote me a hand written note basically saying the opposite of what she was about to do (I love You scars and all and we will walk through this together). Now I know That’s irrelevant now, but it’s a shock that all.l for someone w abandonment stuff. And part of it is I’m in withdrawal from all the love and approvals I received multiple times a day. I never Asked for them but my ego or part of brain must’ve become addicted. she put me in that dangerous place on the pedestal, with lofty standards and one sign of a crack in the armor and down off the pedestal I went.
Basically it’s just extremely hard and I appreciate Your words. I need be patient with myself and let it process. Just never had a relationship which was so good end in a way where there wasn’t even an argument. Thanks again

 

[Sweetpea76]

Welcome to a relationship with mental illness in the mix. One day everything is fine, the next day it can all blow up in your face. It’s like walking through a field of rakes blindfolded.

Also, and I think you’ve learned this the hard way, you cannot always count on love, support and compassion from your partner in your time of need. They just may not be capable of it.

 

[Joenot1368]

Thanks. Yes, learning very much the hard way. Living through the pain now. Tough way to learn an lesson but that’s all we can do is learn from the losses. Thanks again

 

[Zeekayk]

You can't make someone who doesn't want to stay, to stay. you can't mend the wounds her ex husband had caused.

I'm sorry you had a great experience and now its over. we all have our wounds and we all consciously or subconsciously act on them. i don't really know if she really still wants you or not and no one can tell you that except she herself. She asked for space and you didn't give her so she blocked you. Maybe she did it because she doesn't want to say things she'll regret or maybe because she no longer wants you at all.

Whatever the reason might be. You now have to work on healing yourself . For YOU. Not for anyone else. And then you can be a better person either with her or someone else.

Don't hold on to anything she's given you, or said. I'd recommend you actually throw away all tangible things you might have from her.

After you heal you'll find yourself and find what it is you want in a person, in a relationship ....

Wishing you healing, and I'd recommend you read about "codependency"
best wishes

 

[Joenot1368]

You can't make someone who doesn't want to stay, to stay. you can't mend the wounds her ex husband had caused.

I'm sorry you had a great experience and now its over. we all have our wounds and we all consciously or subconsciously act on them. i don't really know if she really still wants you or not and no one can tell you that except she herself. She asked for space and you didn't give her so she blocked you. Maybe she did it because she doesn't want to say things she'll regret or maybe because she no longer wants you at all.

Whatever the reason might be. You now have to work on healing yourself . For YOU. Not for anyone else. And then you can be a better person either with her or someone else.

Don't hold on to anything she's given you, or said. I'd recommend you actually throw away all tangible things you might have from her.

After you heal you'll find yourself and find what it is you want in a person, in a relationship ....

Wishing you healing, and I'd recommend you read about "codependency"
best wishes

Agreed. I have made much progress form last week. Thanks for your input. I am not her caretaker - I am mine. She reached out this week and I just had a very short reply to her telling her I hope she gets well. Ultimately I am not the cause of her triggers . I have Now realized that. I never bumped up against PTSD before. It’s not pretty for survivor or supporter (abuser gets away free but..)
I no doubt have co-dependent traits- thanks for the book reference.

 

[Zeekayk]

Agreed. I have made much progress form last week. Thanks for your input. I am not her caretaker - I am mine. She reached out this week and I just had a very short reply to her telling her I hope she gets well. Ultimately I am not the cause of her triggers . I have Now realized that. I never bumped up against PTSD before. It’s not pretty for survivor or supporter (abuser gets away free but..)
I no doubt have co-dependent traits- thanks for the book reference.

I would recommend the book by Pete walker - c-ptsd it helped me a lot. Goodluck