I Turn Every Emotion Into Anger. I Feel Most Comfortable With Anger.

[Justin Smith]

Of course I'm sure most people turn sadness, loneliness, anxiety, confusion, depression, defeat, embarrassment, etc. into anger. But why do I turn happiness, love, joy, closeness, etc into anger? I feel like a real a-hole all of the time. It's like I feel angry so I don't have to feel numb. Angry is better than nothing. I think I turn numb first for a split second and it goes right to anger. I'm able to experience the good things in life for a short period but then I find imperfections in everything good or bad. I wish I could just feel like a normal person. I'm getting angry at myself right now just writing about this when I should probably be feeling a sense of relief that someone else might relate. I just want to enjoy my life. Will I ever be able to? If so, how long will it last? I really want to find joy through Jesus Christ and that's very important to me. But if I'm always angry how can I feel His joy? Any Christian knows what I'm talking about weather they go to church or not. If they were raised to be Christians, at least. Or even if they weren't I guess. I just started trying to mend my life with God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit and I'm finding it hard to do because I'm always angry and that's not how I'm supposed to live. I want to be a good example for others eventually. Now I'm starting to feel sad while I continue blabbing. I'm already getting angry about that. Counting to ten and taking deep breaths sounds like it might work but my anger definitely stops me from even wanting to do that. It's funny how we fought for our country in the name of freedom and liberty and we're just trapped in our own misery. If anyone feels exactly like I do or can relate. Please comment on this thread. Thanks fellow freedom fighters.

 

[reddevil1111]

Justin we all fight this in a similar way. I think you should spend some time reading in here about the reasons why you feel this way. Look at the voedo about PTSD. Once you better understand why you are feeling the way you do, it makes it easier to know why your getting so mad and how to keep that from happening as much.
The anger is easy to give in to. I know that. But the hardest thing sometimes is to not feel alone in this fight. There is no cure but with time and some understanding, you might be able to work out some of the anger to leave room for other feelings. I hope so.-Dan

 

[Jimmy1]

Justin, welcome mate.

This is just my opinion, but I see it like this.......
For starters, when you served, or if you are still serving, you were taught to conceal all your emotions, even joy and happiness. If I saw a happy private then I thought he was up to something. You were trained to be an emotionless machine, to do a job. The purpose of training you like this is so that you would no go to pieces if your mate beside you went down.

Next you add a traumatic event, or multiple traumatic events. I don't know about the rest of you, but I did not sleep well while I was on active service. Deep sleep in my opinion is where the body processes everything that has happened, hence, it does not get processed, and because we are trained to suck it up and harden the f*ck up, we have to bottle it all up in storage.

Then they place us back in society, and with a lot of us they turn us into civilians. No more discipline enforced.

Now it is like a batch of dynamite in the hot sun. One bump in the wrong direction and $&^#**@^#

Its not the end of the road mate. With the right medication and the right therapy you can deal with that f*cked up storage bottle and deal with your traumas. You will eventually be able to smile again and laugh and not be angry all the time. I did not think it was possible but it is. Don't get me wrong, I still have a short fuse, but at least I am not walking around looking for an outlet.

Jimmy

 

[Zipperhead]

I find I am uncomfortable in crowds. I take offense and can't let go to minor comments. Anger is a constant companion. It's not that I'm looking for excuses to be mad, it just happens. If I'm already stressed look out! I'm hoping once I start treatments it will be better. We'll see.

 

[Misera1013]

Sweetie, I wish I could bring you to church with me. It seems like every time there is something like that heavy on my heart when I go to church the answer is supplied to me. I don’t know how, but it is. This to me seems like the time to read the story off Job. I'm not sure what book it was in, but from what I have been told of it, it has touched me, when I have felt like it seems you may. (((Hugs)))

 

[deborah l. boylan]

Justin, glad you are here. We all here feel the anger at times like you do. Its something that we battle everyday. Sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that you can't see anything else in your life. With treatment and time you can get better. Once you are able to process the anger that you feel you will be able to reconnect with your faith. Just my two cents worth of advise. Take care and hang in there.

Deb

 

[5line]

thanks for sharing man. the more i browse the site the more symptomatic similarity i see. it seems that "angry" is where im most comfortable. when im pissed i can justify the way i feel about everything. negatively. when im not in a rage my internal turmoil is overwhelming. like something is out of place. but as soon as my temper is up i feel "normal" again. my counselor says its a choice i make to be upset. that i seek those feelings out. i thrive in it. he says i need to just "make the decision to not be angry". i dont know what the f*ck he is talking about.

 

[HereticCurt]

Wow Justin. I can't relate to everything that you mention in your post; however, I can relate to the emotion-->numb-->emotion deal. My pattern seems to be, anger-->numb-->rage. I don't want to think of what might happen if that pattern continues.

Thank you for sharing your story, it's oddly comforting that someone else experiences something similar.

 

[Aronoch]

Hey guys it's been awhile since I was on last .I was reading with Justin had to say about anger and I really can relate to that. And also Jimmy's response is so true as well. We're trained not to feel anything or show any emotion that we have to hold everything inside. But then when we get out and come home there's no one to show us how to flip the switch that we shut off how to turn it back on. I find myself lashing out at everyone about everything. And the worst part about it is I hurt my girlfriend the most and it just destroys me inside. I've been in love with this woman for 26 years and we were separated for 22 of those andvnow were back in our relationship. But everything is different mown because of all of my mistakes and now I relate everything with anger. The worst thing about it is I take it all out on her you know I made my own bed with the mistakes that I made because of everything that I've done and I understand why she's angry at me and she has every right. It seems like her anger at me makes me angrier because I know it's my fault, I created the mess that were in and things are different because of it. And I'm trying to fix things and I just find myself getting angrier and angrier by the day. I remember going through basic and all my other training using that anger to get me through, you know the saying to myself well nobody's time going to tell me I can't do this because that's what I was always told when I was young. But now I lash out because I'm angry at her for no real reason, I think I have reasons to be angry but I don't know if they're true or if they're in my head because of everything I've experienced. You know how in the field you have a reality and perception. Like when you're sitting at night on watch and you think you might see something but theres really not there it's in your mind and your fear and hyper vigilance to protect the squad fills in the imaginary blank. Now I'm doing that in my relationship I'm filling in blanks that I know are really not there I think but when I puts those falsehoods there I just generate this anger and I'm hoping maybe somebody can give me some advice on how to regulate my anger to control it better because the way I'm handling it now isn't working and all I'm doing is pushing her further and further away every time I open my mouth. Does anybody have some advice to help me out?

 

[Aprooster74]

I am an Iraq Combat Vet and this is what I have learned:
As a soldier we are trained to take all are fear and 'suck it up and drive on,' or 'swallow it and continue mission.' We all have heard similar motivational statements. With each branch or MOS the sayings differ, but they all say the same thing: 'Charlie Mic!!!' If anyone of us have to be told this we become extremely angry, because we know better. So, what we do is take that fear and that anger and focus it towards completing the mission and taking care of our buddies.
In my personal experiences, I was the sacrifice. If anyone was to go down it would be me so I did everything I could to make that happen. What I did not know at the time is that my buddies were thinking the same thing. The end result is that in most cases we all returned (no, that did not always happen but that was the desired endgame).

THEN:
The tour ends and we go home. "Holy SHINGLES!!!!"
Anger and fear are the emotions that gave us the strength to do what we had to do (they were all that we felt). Yes, we joked, pranked, giggled and smiled 'Inside the Wire,' but always in the back of our mind was Fear and Anger at being afraid. Now we are home, and what do we do? We spent 3,6,9,12,18 months full of fear and anger. How do we become Civilian again?

You can't! Once a Combat Soldier, Always a Combat Soldier. However, training has taught us to Adapt and Overcome (did it not?).

Use your military training. The enemy has changed (crowds, loud noises, undisciplined civilians hee-hee), and the tactics are different due to the fact that we are not 'locked and loaded.'
1. -If you are in a crowd and uncomfortable? Evac! (If you cannot do that physically then find a happy place in your mind and 'Charlie Mic.'). Do Not cut yourself off from where you are, but finish whatever it was you were there to do and then leave. Grocery Shopping, a Concert, Family celebration etc. etc. etc... Never forget what you are, ' A Soldier!'
2. -Loud Noises, Fireworks, Unknown sounds? Simple: Acknowledge, Identify, React.
Acknowledge that you heard it
Identify what it is
React accordingly

The reason that Anger is an issue is because you are unsure what to do with it? Where to direct it? and how to make it go away? Once a Soldier Always a Soldier. Do what you were trained to do. Stop running from what you are. If You made it to the epitome of 'Combat,' then you are a rare bread, and what a Soldier is trained to be --> a "Combat Veteran."


FYI: If you look at my Avatar it is an 'Outlet' which is why I am here, and if you look really close it is completely full of bugs (crickets). Also, why I am here (I am bugged by something). Yes, I took this photo and it was something I had to deal with at work.)

 

[Trying to get home]

I have the same problem. My two choices of emotional state are "flat" or "rage." The therapist I saw insisted all the other emotions are in there. The way he saw it, if I'm trying to get in touch with my emotions, I don't get to decide which ones can come out. If I want happy, I can have it - but everything else is coming with it. It seems to make sense.... every time I start to really feel that I'm moving past this, that I'm starting to feel normal (whatever that is) some minor disagreement will turn into an explosion, and it takes weeks to get back to calm. Maybe if I can ever get to a point where my answer to how I like anything is anything more enthusiastic than "okay" I'll get to a point where every emotional state doesn't turn into anger. But honestly, most days I'm either numb or pissed off.

Haven't given up on it. Dude seemed to know what he was talking about. Maybe there is a rich emotional life somewhere in there, if I can just find it.

 

[Sludge]

Feeling emotionless, even when you are not, is classic PTSD. Sadly, there is no cure and no pill that makes it go away. But if you take your time and force yourself to slow down and stop worrying about being "normal" you will find your emotions return.

Wish I could say it is a quick process, but it ain't. The biggest mistake I see with PTSD vets is that we tend to hurry and want things to be done yesterday. That is beast food. It makes things worse rather than better.


I guess what I am trying to say is, embrace who you are and recognize who you were, but don't try to be both.