I Visited a Dominatrix , and gave me Trauma

[Asus]

Hello and greeting to everybody i am new here Heterosexual Male , its my 1st time posting about this subject as it Has been affecting my mind for 10 Straight months now ..........

1st of all i have never done anything like this before i am single , i traveled abroad because i enjoy travelling and exploring places and trying NEW THINGS , the internet and adult videos are available to us at a very young age sadly with a press of a button on adult sites are you see a variety of videos We Are All humans and have needs ...... , i watched vanilla for years until i saw ( Femdom , Dominatrix , Slave , Humiliation , Prostate , An%l , play ) , i get a pleasure watching it but i never in my entire life thought i would act on it cuz i thought it was ( emasculating ) ( Degrading ) , it was all due to Curiosity , watching is one thing but acting out on it , i really hated it ........and REGRETED IT I wish i could erase it from my mind
( Female on Male )
it was under consent , but my mistake was i did not think about the consequences after doing it , how am i going to feel after ...... it bothered me really bad , i feel like i am DEEPLY ASHAMED of myself as a man , i cant look at myself in the mirror or at my name or my identity the Same Anymore .............how and why did i do such a thing ???? i keep asking myself every morning and every night i feel like i acted out without thinking , 10 month later i keep getting TRIGGERS just from watching movies or even playing games or listening to songs if there is a part of Song or movies or game that triggers me or reminds me of the EVENT i immediately DELETE The Song etc .........

i never thought it would affect me in this way , i just want to feel Normal again .

i even bought and read a book about trauma but still feeling alone and helpless the problem is i dont think i cant talk to anybody about this its embarrassing

i realized if this is my punishment for my act i will endure it but i cannot anymore we are all Human not Angels we make mistakes , have regrets and shame
i am pretty sure BDSM is not my thing and will never act on again , live and learn .

 

[Movingforward10]

It sounds like you are punishing yourself for what happened. How can you make peace with the fact that you engaged in an experience that you now realise wasn't for you (I hope that doesn't sound dismissive as I don't know what happened in that experience or how you felt during it - and how you felt or didn't feel able to stop it in the moment if you realised then that you wanted it to stop).

It's part of life to have regrets and to do things that we wished we didn't. How we hold on to that, or how we learn to forgive ourselves is key.

What's stopping you from letting go?
Where does the shame originate from?
Maybe exploring what the route cause of this punishment and worry is might help you set yourself free from it.

 

[Asus]

Thank you for the Kind reply , I find it hard to let go after committing such a Shameful Emasculating act , because deep down it goes against my moral code and belief , i find it hard to move forward i dont know why

during the event i was not really thinking much i was going with the flow trying out this weird fetish

 

[Movingforward10]

You're in a tough place emotionally. And when we get consumed in feelings like that, it's hard to see the bigger context as we're focused on the specific detail. If you're able to see the larger context of your life, and remind yourself , it might really help.
The positives are:

1. You have done this once and not again. (I.e. you're ot repeating and repeating those sexual encounters knowing the negative impact it has on you. So it's not some sort of compulsion or shame seeking/shame reenactment that you are engaging in. You have learnt it's not for you and haven't returned to it).

2. It's been 10 months. And that means you can practice various strategies to stop the emotional punishment and shame before it builds into something bigger.

3. You recognise your moral compass and what behaviour you want to engage in that marries with that. Learnt a hard way, but learnt. Which sounds like you live your life away from things that don't align with your values. A really positive way of living.

4. This one experience isn't reflective of your life and daily decisions. You have been alive for X years and have many many many other experiences.

Feelings don't go away on their own sometimes if we're giving them messages and it feeds something in ourselves. Ways to manage can be:
Thought stopping (I'm not going to punish myself over this)
Journalling (exploring why it's impacting you and you're stuck in this state)
Reframing (this is a favourite of mine - how can you see the situation differently tjbhelp you make peace with it)

 

[arfie]

hello asus. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i speak as a child sex trafficking survivor. within that confusing world of the 60's and 70's, i was being groomed for, "s & m." sado-masochism. i might update the name for ^it^ to dominatrix. it rolls off the tongue much smoother than s&m, with fewer triggers as a bonus. "reframing" has been a cornerstone of my recovery from that horrific childhood. dominatrix might have reframing potential. maybe. we see what grows.

the internet and adult videos are available to us at a very young age sadly with a press of a button on adult sites are you see a variety of videos

internet was not available during my child prostitution years, but the base perversions were quite prevalent, despite what nostalgics might say. i believe that whether listening through primitive walls, digging through grandpa's man cave or clicking on the internet, the human sex drive will find a way. prayers ongoing for healthier ways. just praying.

it was under consent , but my mistake was i did not think about the consequences after doing it

not too many of my janes or johns i practiced on knew what they were asking for, nor did they have easy access to the information. even with the internet, it is easier to find opinions than facts. i don't care to do the research, but i will bet you dollars to wishes that the vast majority of those janes and johns never ask for a second go. the devoted clients are sad cases. i remain grateful i never advanced far enough to handle those clients.

10 month later i keep getting TRIGGERS just from watching movies or even playing games or listening to songs if there is a part of Song or movies or game that triggers me or reminds me of the EVENT i immediately DELETE The Song etc .........

more than half a century later, i still trigger easily and unpredictably. the good news is that i have built a functional psychotherapy toolbox by which i can work through the trigger events without derailing my day. life is good.

support groups such as this one are among my more effective therapy tools. the load is easier when shared. i hope this forum serves you as well as it has served me. welcome aboard.

off-topic
your username got me curious enough to see is "asus" was more than the name for a computer company. it's not, but i thought it was cute that the name is the last four letters of, "pegasus." fly straight and true, my healing warrior.

 

[OM_™]

i never thought it would affect me in this way , i just want to feel Normal again

Hi Asus, In a forum such as this you already are 'normal'...normal doesn't live here. Welcome.

 

[Muttly]

you've already gotten a lot of good advice.

have you ever done other things against your moral code? If so, how did you deal with those feelings after the fact? Thinking about that might help process this experience.

I understand that it's very hard to talk about it. It was brave to make this post. I have done thingss in the bdsm world that I was not proud of. I've also done things that I enjoyed and have no regrets over. Talking about it here and with my therapist helped decrease the shame.

 

[whiteraven]

i realized if this is my punishment for my act

I'm speaking from the POV of someone who was involved in a couple of BDSM relationships, the last with a married man. While I don't have any qualms about the BDSM part, I felt bad after our relationship ended because he was married. For me, I had to come to terms with the idea that *humans* make up moral codes, and humans decide which ones to believe or accept. I had to think a lot about where that "bad" feeling came from, if it truly mattered in the grand scheme of things, and if I learned anything.

i am pretty sure BDSM is not my thing

This is the most important thing you wrote! You tried something new, and you discovered that, not only is it not for you, but it feels bad to you morally. You learned a lot. And how would you have known if you hadn't tried?

I'm sorry how bad this feels. Shame can take over if we let it. Don't, ok?

 

[Asus]

You're in a tough place emotionally. And when we get consumed in feelings like that, it's hard to see the bigger context as we're focused on the specific detail. If you're able to see the larger context of your life, and remind yourself , it might really help.
The positives are:

1. You have done this once and not again. (I.e. you're ot repeating and repeating those sexual encounters knowing the negative impact it has on you. So it's not some sort of compulsion or shame seeking/shame reenactment that you are engaging in. You have learnt it's not for you and haven't returned to it).

2. It's been 10 months. And that means you can practice various strategies to stop the emotional punishment and shame before it builds into something bigger.

3. You recognise your moral compass and what behaviour you want to engage in that marries with that. Learnt a hard way, but learnt. Which sounds like you live your life away from things that don't align with your values. A really positive way of living.

4. This one experience isn't reflective of your life and daily decisions. You have been alive for X years and have many many many other experiences.

Feelings don't go away on their own sometimes if we're giving them messages and it feeds something in ourselves. Ways to manage can be:
Thought stopping (I'm not going to punish myself over this)
Journalling (exploring why it's impacting you and you're stuck in this state)
Reframing (this is a favourite of mine - how can you see the situation differently tjbhelp you make peace with it)II

I REALLY appreciate hearing other people's Opinion other than my brains endless judgement ,
you are right i need to find help before these thoughts snowball into something even bigger

hello asus. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i speak as a child sex trafficking survivor. within that confusing world of the 60's and 70's, i was being groomed for, "s & m." sado-masochism. i might update the name for ^it^ to dominatrix. it rolls off the tongue much smoother than s&m, with fewer triggers as a bonus. "reframing" has been a cornerstone of my recovery from that horrific childhood. dominatrix might have reframing potential. maybe. we see what grows.

internet was not available during my child prostitution years, but the base perversions were quite prevalent, despite what nostalgics might say. i believe that whether listening through primitive walls, digging through grandpa's man cave or clicking on the internet, the human sex drive will find a way. prayers ongoing for healthier ways. just praying.

not too many of my janes or johns i practiced on knew what they were asking for, nor did they have easy access to the information. even with the internet, it is easier to find opinions than facts. i don't care to do the research, but i will bet you dollars to wishes that the vast majority of those janes and johns never ask for a second go. the devoted clients are sad cases. i remain grateful i never advanced far enough to handle those clients.

more than half a century later, i still trigger easily and unpredictably. the good news is that i have built a functional psychotherapy toolbox by which i can work through the trigger events without derailing my day. life is good.

support groups such as this one are among my more effective therapy tools. the load is easier when shared. i hope this forum serves you as well as it has served me. welcome aboard.

off-topic
your username got me curious enough to see is "asus" was more than the name for a computer company. it's not, but i thought it was cute that the name is the last four letters of, "pegasus." fly straight and true, my healing warrior.

Thank you for the lovely advice , i enjoyed reading your story because it makes me not feel alone , and that someone else has gone through a simliar

hello asus. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i speak as a child sex trafficking survivor. within that confusing world of the 60's and 70's, i was being groomed for, "s & m." sado-masochism. i might update the name for ^it^ to dominatrix. it rolls off the tongue much smoother than s&m, with fewer triggers as a bonus. "reframing" has been a cornerstone of my recovery from that horrific childhood. dominatrix might have reframing potential. maybe. we see what grows.

internet was not available during my child prostitution years, but the base perversions were quite prevalent, despite what nostalgics might say. i believe that whether listening through primitive walls, digging through grandpa's man cave or clicking on the internet, the human sex drive will find a way. prayers ongoing for healthier ways. just praying.

not too many of my janes or johns i practiced on knew what they were asking for, nor did they have easy access to the information. even with the internet, it is easier to find opinions than facts. i don't care to do the research, but i will bet you dollars to wishes that the vast majority of those janes and johns never ask for a second go. the devoted clients are sad cases. i remain grateful i never advanced far enough to handle those clients.

more than half a century later, i still trigger easily and unpredictably. the good news is that i have built a functional psychotherapy toolbox by which i can work through the trigger events without derailing my day. life is good.

support groups such as this one are among my more effective therapy tools. the load is easier when shared. i hope this forum serves you as well as it has served me. welcome aboard.

off-topic
your username got me curious enough to see is "asus" was more than the name for a computer company. it's not, but i thought it was cute that the name is the last four letters of, "pegasus." fly straight and true, my healing warrior.

Thank you for the lovely advice , i enjoyed reading your story because it makes me not feel alone , and that someone else has gone through a simliar situation , i would love to have to toolbox to let Trigger not affect me as much and not ruin a whole day over 1 or 2 triggers , also i might change my Name to Pegasus that was beautiful

you've already gotten a lot of good advice.

have you ever done other things against your moral code? If so, how did you deal with those feelings after the fact? Thinking about that might help process this experience.

I understand that it's very hard to talk about it. It was brave to make this post. I have done thingss in the bdsm world that I was not proud of. I've also done things that I enjoyed and have no regrets over. Talking about it here and with my therapist helped decrease the shame.

this is the only thing that really haunted me for 10 months , nothing else ever did on this level
I heared advice saying that i should let it be as Guilt that happened in the past and move on , instead of it being my identity and this is my problem it snowballed into being my identity

I'm speaking from the POV of someone who was involved in a couple of BDSM relationships, the last with a married man. While I don't have any qualms about the BDSM part, I felt bad after our relationship ended because he was married. For me, I had to come to terms with the idea that *humans* make up moral codes, and humans decide which ones to believe or accept. I had to think a lot about where that "bad" feeling came from, if it truly mattered in the grand scheme of things, and if I learned anything.

This is the most important thing you wrote! You tried something new, and you discovered that, not only is it not for you, but it feels bad to you morally. You learned a lot. And how would you have known if you hadn't tried?

I'm sorry how bad this feels. Shame can take over if we let it. Don't, ok?

Yes and thanks for the reply , the lesson is dont jump into things blindly think before you act

You're in a tough place emotionally. And when we get consumed in feelings like that, it's hard to see the bigger context as we're focused on the specific detail. If you're able to see the larger context of your life, and remind yourself , it might really help.
The positives are:

1. You have done this once and not again. (I.e. you're ot repeating and repeating those sexual encounters knowing the negative impact it has on you. So it's not some sort of compulsion or shame seeking/shame reenactment that you are engaging in. You have learnt it's not for you and haven't returned to it).

2. It's been 10 months. And that means you can practice various strategies to stop the emotional punishment and shame before it builds into something bigger.

3. You recognise your moral compass and what behaviour you want to engage in that marries with that. Learnt a hard way, but learnt. Which sounds like you live your life away from things that don't align with your values. A really positive way of living.

4. This one experience isn't reflective of your life and daily decisions. You have been alive for X years and have many many many other experiences.

Feelings don't go away on their own sometimes if we're giving them messages and it feeds something in ourselves. Ways to manage can be:
Thought stopping (I'm not going to punish myself over this)
Journalling (exploring why it's impacting you and you're stuck in this state)
Reframing (this is a favourite of mine - how can you see the situation differently tjbhelp you make peace with it)

I will read those Points you made many many times , i think each step is a good lesson for healing i really appreciate this , and would look forward for more help if possible :)

 

[arfie]

i would love to have to toolbox to let Trigger not affect me as much and not ruin a whole day over 1 or 2 triggers , also i might change my Name to Pegasus that was beautiful

the awareness that it is possible and the desire to build one is an all-important first step.

dunno. . . if i ever manage to get pegasus to rest a spell in my pasture, i can see myself calling him/her asus for short. i never met a peggy i liked. maybe just coincidence, but? ? ? why take chances? in real life i have two asses (donkeys) i am quite fond of. asus would fit right in.

 

[Friday]

i realized if this is my punishment for my act i will endure it but i cannot anymore

Consensual sex is all about personal preference.

You don’t know what you like, until you try it… or something adjacent to it. And are either thrilled/intrigued, or repelled/revulsed, or bored/uninterested. That’s normal. As is trying something you think you’d like, and find out you don’t. Whether it’s food, sex, sport, work, entertainment… do you think you deserve to be punished for disliking the last food you hated? Or asshole boss in what should have been a great job, and was miserable, instead?

 

[Jade-]

it bothered me really bad , i feel like i am DEEPLY ASHAMED of myself as a man , i cant look at myself in the mirror or at my name or my identity the Same Anymore .............

What's behind feeling ashamed of yourself as a man? Where do those feelings and beliefs stem from?