I Want Than I Don't.

[sonicwhite]

What is up with me. I must be very stubborn. A veil has been lifted off my eyes about my relationship in 05. I now understand why she acted the way she did but I keep it a secret.


Than I look out my own backdoor and wish well it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with. Than I think about fights and how they can make me so anxious. The woman would have to completely accept me for me. That means my faults insecurities and some things that have happen to me that I couldn't control.


But, then again I look out a window and see how far me a God have gotten. I see His wonderful face. How He has taught me self control in some areas. But as any human being it is natural to long for a relationship. Can the woman be saved by the spirit of God that is in me. Absolutely. I believe 100% that if God places a relationship in my life. That He has full control over it.



But, where do I find her. Do I keep praying? I'm scared of crowds ever since I got saved. I never had social anxiety until I quit hanging out with my druggy friends. All I want is my life in order. Me to be at peace with myself. With or without someone. To be happy with me.


Than I think someone will come along. Maybe see something beautiful in me and pull me out of my hole I'm in. But I always got to remember that I come first in my treatment. So I can be better. I've been through quite an ordeal. So I know what trauma feels like.



Help me Lord be happy with myself so I can be happy in a relationship.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Umm... I'm not sure if you wanted any responses to this thread, but I wanted to wish you well in your quest for a relationship.

 

[sonicwhite]

I know this wasn't really a question but more an outpouring. I decided to give my life to Christ. I don't have to worry about a mate or my children. The world is getting more wicked every day.


God says He will keep me from the hour of tribulation that comes upon the whole world to test those living on the Earth.

I let these words ring true in my heart because as bad as the choices I've made He has loved me like I always wanted.

Two days ago I had a fever. It broke at midnight and I remember telling God I'm finally ready to repent. I started to feel the joy I did when I first gave my life to the Lord but this time I didn't want it. I understood finally that how much I have grown and how that was the beginning till now.


Hardship falls on everyone. What matters is if you learn from your mistakes or anything else. God has loved me with a unconditional love that no one showed me I. This life. So it is my duty to step down to do my calling. I have to have a silent conscience and I have to have a sound mind and still heart.


I cannot be up at a pulpit causing confusion. I will not be called out by Christ for this crime on the day of Judgment.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm glad for you that you've found something that gives your life meaning and purpose, sonic. :hug:

 

[sonicwhite]

Like Paul I had an abnormal birth into the faith. I saw things and heard things I never imagined where real as a human being. This made me gain a lot of interest into being a Christian.


I still desire like every human to be with someone. It's not that I don't have faith in God that He can do all things. It's that I have no faith in myself as a man to attract someone who has the same interests as me.


I believe me and her must be like minded. If it's a lukewarm relationship it will fail unless God gives me the grace to be patient and hope she sees Christ like I do.


It's all in time. I don't mean to sound stuck up or only choosy. I want a marriage to survive and I believe the two must be likeminded.