Dissociation was my go-to coping strategy for a long, long time. I lived in a kind of protective numbness to which I am sure a lot of people on this forum can relate. In my experience, dissociation can certainly bring relief, respite, protection, a chance to breathe... an escape from terror, from dark thoughts--and of course, a mental escape from concretely inescapable danger and harm in our environment.
At what point does it stop being protective in a functional way, though? I kept using dissociation to escape my inner dangers--even when the external dangers were long gone. And, although dissociation kept me safe from my scariest thoughts and feelings and memories, it enabled me to side-step my fears in a way that prevented me from actively working through any of it--for decades! And, as I look back at those decades, I realize I was much more deeply unhappy than I realized.
"Blissful" is never a word I'd use to describe dissociation, no matter how useful it ever was. For me, there was always a price for that escape--a big price. All that negative energy was still in me. It was pushed down, but still took its toll. I paid the price in stress, in self-isolation, in self-denial--and I didn't even fully realize how much I was sacrificing until I stopped dissociating so much. I have found that there's a certain freedom that comes from being able to be true to yourself, to not escape through dissociation. And, for me, the ultimate freedom has come from being able to connect with people on a more "real" level. When I was caught up in dissociation, it was impossible for me to really connect with others. I thought I knew how to connect, but it turns out I didn't. And I would have never known that if I had kept relying on dissociation to escape myself.
That's just my own experience! In sum, I do think we use dissociation for good reasons, and I sympathize with the urge to call on this ability. Sometimes I almost feel like it's a superpower, ha. That said, I also think it's totally worth it to keep trying to stay present with yourself, even when (especially when) it gets scary. The payoffs for me have been greater than I could have imagined. Anyways, I think the fact that you're aware that you even do it is already a huge step towards moving beyond it (if that's what you want).
