I Want To Know Why I Was Raped

[Fadeaway]

does it make sense that I was too scared to fight back? I like froze up when it was happening...it was really scary

In the last few years, there was a few times that I knew I would have to face my ex. I knew ahead of time that he would verbally assault me and try to mess with my mind. I would brace myself for weeks in advance. I would mentally go over his most common insults and would practice comebacks in my mind. I would mentally prepare myself on how to behave and how to hide my fear so that he would believe I was unaffected and not afraid.

Despite all my preparation, every freaking time I would freeze up, forget my comebacks and make a stuttering, fearful fool out of myself. He would come at me just to see me flinch, and I would just freeze up and flinch the way he wanted instead of standing boldly with defiant look on my face like I had planned.

Fear makes any preparation or rational thought go out the window. The part of our brain that controls rational thought shuts down and instinct takes over. All the karate lessons in the world won't do you any good if the instinct to automatically use them hasn't been ingrained into your subconscious.

 

[scout86]

People knew these bad things were going to happen..I don't understand how I didn't see it.

I don't think any of those people KNEW that bad things were going to happen. I don't actually know what ANY of them were thinking, but they may have been thinking "bad things were possible". They may have been thinking you needed to stay near the pool so you didn't miss your turn. Who knows? We rarely know, with 100% accuracy, what's going to happen in a given situation. You could have been luckier in all of those situations too. That's the random part of life we can't control.

As far as the reason you reacted the way you did at the time. At any given moment, I think we all react the best way we can at the time. It might not always be the best way possible, for some future version of ourselves, but it's the best way we know how and can manage right then. That's not something to blame yourself for. If you want to learn and change, one thing you can do is have this discussion with your T, who knows you and your situation better than we do. It's fine to consider what your other options were, as long as you use that to learn and improve. Doing it as a way to punish yourself is something else all together and it doesn't help.

 

[marylouise]

Healing Reins,

I honestly think you're being too hard on yourself. It's totally normal for *everybody* to freeze up during an attack, especially when you're also dealing with the shock of being hurt by someone you already have a relationship with. That's why in Model Mugging, we 1) learned techniques that were easy to remember and targeted to the common forms of attack, and 2) we practiced them repeatedly until they became instinct. I seem to recall 7/8 of the classes practicing the same techniques over and over again, and also being encouraged to practice them at home. When my ex-boyfriend came at me to choke me, I went into one of the techniques without even thinking about it. I was shocked that I did that, and so was he.

Also, (and congratulations to you for having a brown belt - seriously, that's bad ass), but an actual attack is not the same as the simulated attacks you would experience in karate class. Because of this, in Model Mugging we learned specific techniques - inelegant, awkward techniques - that were geared towards hurting the attacker in order to distract him so he would stop and/or we could run away. The techniques were nothing like what I later learned in Akido.

But I reread your post, and it's only been five weeks since what you believe was your last attack. That's not very long ago. You must be really hurting. I hate to see you blaming yourself. I hope you can find a way to be gentle with yourself. None of this is your fault. Yes, because of bad people in the world, we have to learn how to take care of ourselves, but even so 1) bad things can still happen to us and 2) the world shouldn't be like that.

Anyone else watch "Law and Order SVU"? Most awesome show ever for survivors of sexual assault. The detectives are crusaders. Healing Reins, Detective Olivia Benson would be showing up at your house about now telling you that it's not your fault.

 

[jmni]

am I an easy target? Do I have rape me on the top of my forehead and I can't see it? Is it my fault? Why was I raped? like Why was I raped, what made him think it was okay to do that to me. was it because I didn't fight hard enough? Did I give him signals that screamed rape me? Will I ever know the answer?

I'm starting to get angry about this. Is this normal? Being angry about being raped?

I just want to know if anyone else feels like this.

I think its normal to question your own judgement after you've been violated. But to answer you, I would that there is nothing specific about you that makes you a preferred victim. They are more likely looking for an opportunity.

@Fadeaway
People knew these bad things were going to happen..I don't understand how I didn't see it.

Did your parents mean, do not skip class in general? That seems more plausible. They didn't really know that you would actually be raped. Rape is a crime. It's a sex crime, hate crime, violent crime, sadistic crime, brutality... When crimes are committed against people it hurts them. We look for someone to blame and end up blaming ourselves. But pain can cause us to over-analyze something that is not really that complicated and victims become paranoid.

does it make sense that I was too scared to fight back? I like froze up when it was happening...it was really scary

That is very normal. Sometimes people freeze with fear when they are put on the spot. Aggressors are not always aware of how threatening they are or they might be playing it up. But freezing is a natural response to fear and still his fault and not yours.

You really did not do anything bad. You went off with a boy you liked, you went somewhere alone with a boyfriend, you drank. Its all fairly typical.

The unfortunate reality is that you are competent and you can do this kind of thing, but the people you were with cannot. They are too insane, too incompetent, too dangerous, too vile and nasty. You trusted people you did not know. The act of rape is very depraved and disgusting and for someone to do this to another person which implies that these people were able to mislead you and that you do not actually know them at all. Rapists are opportunists so you cannot do things that put yourself at risk and cause you to be more vulnerable around them (going somewhere alone with them, drinking, drugs) because they will exploit it.

Think of it this way. Rape is about someone feeling like such garbage and believing themselves to be so weak, that they chose to sexually assault another person in order to feel powerful. Do you think anything about your personality says "I want to be horribly violated and degraded so losers can feel macho." I doubt it.

 

[cherryblossom]

That is part of the point of having PTSD, so we can find out more about who we are.

I'm finding it really hard to understand this statement. I don't want to jump to conclusions or make assumptions - can you explain what you mean about 'part of the point of having PTSD . . . ' ?

 

[Healing Reins]

I don't really know what to say honestly...I don't feel like it was my fault. But I do feel like I played in active role in all of this happening. I feel like If I just listened to the people around me, none of this would have happened. Thank you all for your comments though! It means a lot that you are willing to write out such great responses for this. Thank you so much!! xx

 

[Alfred.Greene]

I'm finding it really hard to understand this statement. I don't want to jump to conclusions or make assumptions - can you explain what you mean about 'part of the point of having PTSD . . . ' ?

For me, I take a teleological approach to my PTSD. That means that PTSD for me is not a accident, and I believe for me at least, part of it means making my weakness my strength. PTSD has point for me, it was/is to make me stronger, to appreciate the good days, to understand that I am no better then anyone else. These are lessons I learned by coping with PTSD.

In my belief, God wanted me to have PTSD, I can't wait for it to go away mind you, but I would rather have lived a life with PTSD then not.

I did not mean to oppress anyone, and I just get carried away. I am not trying to say that anyone needs my viewpoints or my solutions.
I simply write from my heart.

 

[marylouise]

That means that PTSD for me is not a accident, and I believe for me at least, part of it means making my weakness my strength. PTSD has point for me, it was/is to make me stronger, to appreciate the good days, to understand that I am no better then anyone else. These are lessons I learned by coping with PTSD.

In my belief, God wanted me to have PTSD, I can't wait for it to go away mind you, but I would rather have lived a life with PTSD then not.

This would make a good thread on its own.

 

[Hashi]

In most situations of the "stranger rape," (your dark alley sort of rape), there probably isn't much a person could do/have done differently to prevent it - unless one makes it a habit of walking alone at 3 am through the roughest urban ghetto, or dark, secluded, wooded park. The case of "acquaintance rape," (which I have been through 2 of) I think is a much more complicated matter.

@TimeToHeal, I think I understand what you're saying, and appreciate the spirit in which you're saying it. I would then say that I'm not sure I agree with your distinction, in terms of this thread topic. I've experienced both kinds. The stranger rape (twice, four years apart) was not a dark place at 3am. It was me being vulnerable, without other people's support and monitoring, unable to see warning signs, unable to take care of myself, unable to be connected enough to myself, unable to care enough about myself... and so on.

To me, there's little distinction between stranger rape and acquaintance rape. The distinction would be between relationship abuse and stranger/acquaintance rape. (That distinction is in terms of dynamics, not in terms of our ability to do anything about it.)

 

[Hashi]

I agree with other comments here about martial arts training not necessarily equipping us to deal with a situation. I was training in judo and aikido when I was abducted.

It's all about expectation/alertness and preparedness. By preparedness, I mean something beyond expectation/alertness, which is why I separated them. This might sound obvious if I say it's about being prepared to defend ourselves, but I think that has two levels of meaning and that's why I make a distinction.

On the level of being prepared to defend ourselves because we're connected to ourselves, value ourselves, and are present in real time - all I can say is that in my case, I wasn't even on that planet. So however good I was at preparing for a fellow student practising moves at the dojo in my martial arts classes - being prepared to stand up for myself outside that? No, I had no preparation at all. In fact, I had been "prepared" to do the opposite.

I can appreciate what @marylouise says about model mugging class type of training. Something that was helpful to me was the self defence training that I had, which reprogrammed me to react differently (and however I needed to) under attack. There's a lot to be said for reprogramming ourselves to defend ourselves in a situation without thinking.

 

[marylouise]

I didn't say this yet in my posts about my Model Mugging experience, but there was also something profoundly affirming for me about going through that class. The instructors not only gave me permission to defend myself with whatever methods that required, they encouraged it. And the other women in the class were each other's supporters, shouting and encouraging each other to take down the men playing our attackers. I didn't get permission like that to defend myself from anyone when I was growing up, as a survivor but also as a girl. I practiced clawing a potential rapist's eyes out because, you know what?, if he's attacking me, I can and should do whatever I can to defend myself. I can recall now how awesome and freeing that felt.

I think all young woman can benefit from taking a self-defense class, but especially survivors. My therapist actually recommended it to me in one of our first weeks working together. I was a quiet, frightened thing back then, and she knew I needed a kickstart.

 

[Hashi]

Sorry for posting so much here. There's something I'm still wondering.

@Healing Reins I'm an endlessly practical person. So I'm wondering what are your decisions about practical things you can do in future to keep yourself safer? (Bearing in mind that I'm not about blame, only about doing what we can.)

I don't mind if your decisions are nothing to do with what I happen to have said here. I'm just hoping that you have something that you're going to put into practice. Otherwise I think there's a risk of thinking and talking, but not doing.

Have you got any kind of plan for keeping yourself safer?